Moving on

“Maybe someday, we’ll figure all this out, try to put an end to all our doubt, try to find a way to make things better now, and maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud, we’ll be better off somehow Someday” -Rob Thomas

I’ve never been so anxious to greet a new month. A fresh start. A new beginning. And somehow, someway, I find myself finally trying to find a way to move on past all the things that have troubled our family this past month.

I greeted the month of November with a very busy day. Just one of many busy days that I anticipate are ahead as I gradually begin to plug away at getting caught up in my coursework for Savannah College of Art & Design and continue to pursue building my photography portfolio. I began the morning with a photoshoot with a ten day old newborn. I know you all are anxious to see the photos so until I’m able to finish all the editing please know you can see a few of the photos on my facebook fanpage and in flickr now. I’ll be sure to share the best ones on my blog soon.

I quickly moved on this afternoon to take quite a few photographs at the Sligh train station and the hospital for potential use in my photography coursework at SCAD. Yes, I returned to the hospital on my own terms. I even went inside. Get this, I was NOT admitted! Now there’s a surprise, right. I have to admit it was a challenging trip with many reminders of how difficult this month has been but conceptually I hope the photographs portray this “sense  of place” for this place that I feel has been almost like a second home at times this last month. I’ll try my best to remember to share my projects when I’m finished.

So yes, today is definitely the day that I’ve finally come to feel it’s officially time to “move on”. As tough as it may be, I know life has got to go on. This past month I’ve begun to recollect myself and have definitely found many ways to keep myself busy, but I really truly think this will be the week that I truly begin to pick up where I left off one month ago. One month ago tomorrow was when we learned I miscarried this little one. And though I know the road ahead is likely to continue to challenge me, I won’t allow it to control me. Tomorrow I’ll be back on campus, and I have to admit I’m so anxious to be back – though just as equally nervous to confront the week ahead.

A FEW REFLECTIONS THROUGH MUSIC
Today as I remained busy with photography trips and other errands I found myself traveling and listening to the radio and reflecting quite a bit about the last month. I suppose with tomorrow being the anniversary of miscarrying hearing the song Kelly Clarkson “Already Gone” being played so repetitively on the radio didn’t help but remind me of the day of my first surgery. After hearing this sappy love song on the way to the hospital for the first surgery, it still continues reminds me of that very emotional week when it took so much for me to accept losing the baby. Hearing these words, the same ones that brought me to tears a few weeks ago, will always be a constant reminder of this tough time in my life and this little one that my heart will likely never let go of, even if they’re “already gone”.

Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I’m already gone

I’m already gone, already gone
You can’t make it feel right when you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone, already gone
There’s no moving on so I’m already gone

I also heard the Goo Goo Dolls song “Better days” again today. It reminded me of my trip I took on my own to visit the doctor before I learned I’d have to have the second surgery. I was so hopeful and believed then that I was getting better that day when I took that trip. Hearing that song just made me truly believe and wish that someday there’d be “better days”. Some of the lyrics are just so relevant to what we’re going through right now, remind me now, that better days are ahead.

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
Cuz I don’t need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight’s the night the world begins again

Yes, someday the days will get better, I hope. Someday. I’ve said it day after day and week after week this month and truly have felt this past month has been one long bad dream but I do feel I may just finally be waking up from it all and hopefully will be able to officially move on. Ironically the one song I heard many times driving around today that seems to really help refuel my spirits and inspire me, reminding me that someday things are going to get better is Rob Thomas’ “Someday”. Hearing this song lately not only helps give me a little energy and lift my spirits to keep moving, but it reminds me that no matter how bad things get that someday things are going to get better someday. I’m sure this experience will continue to affect me in the months and years ahead but I know now is the time to keep moving on.

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you wanna do is cry

And maybe someday we’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow, someday

Now we wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

‘Cuz sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over, again

And though I’ve been through a miscarriage a couple times before, I have to admit that the one thing that is so different than in the past is that I have used this blog to update so many of you, but truthfully everything I’ve written has been for myself and my family. Though I truly thank you all for listening, I have honestly found that this blog has become a way for me to not just keep you guys updated but to help me through the healing process as I still continue to cope with this loss and all the trying times that have followed it. I have to admit that after the first two miscarriages other than talking to a couple close friends at times after experiencing the loss, I preferred to keep so much to myself and in turn experienced so many isolated moments that I’m sure only hurt me more. I elected this time to write and share my experiences through my blog partly because writing helps me through so much but also because I know how much you all have cared to know how we’ve been doing. I have hesitated many times in whether or not this was a wise move to share so many personal moments publicly, but I truly believe it has helped me so much. I can’t say I’ll be up to talking about these experiences with everyone who reads my blog, but I suppose in a way it is my way of reaching out to let you all know just how challenging things have been. But also to make sure you all hear directly from me how I’m doing. I’m sure in the coming months you will find this blog will continue to offer an amazing outlet for me to share with you so many experiences to help you see how I WILL turn such a challenging time in my life somehow into a positive impact in my life. I can’t reassure you that I will write every ounce of my emotions as I have this past month through this blog, but if the moments move me enough don’t be surprised if you end up hearing about them.

A FEW CUTE MOMENTS WITH THE KIDS
I thought you all would enjoy seeing just a couple cute moments with the kids. Just before heading out to take photos later this afternoon I went to take my camera out to the van and looked in the kitchen and found Jaylen to have climbed on Hope’s kitchen again having a blast stacking the play doh. I can’t say I condone him climbing on her kitchen but catching him in the moment I definitely had to snag a few photos before helping him down from his new favorite climbing spot.

I took Hope and her friend out with me this afternoon to the train station and hospital. This is one of my new favorite shots of these two! I wasn’t so sure I was going to get this shot because Hope kept squinting and got a little moody. Then she came back and said “I have an idea, how about this Mommy?” – and that’s when she posed just as she is in this photo.

Yes, I better watch out. Hope is quickly catching on to some of the most important things photographers have to know. She even went with me this morning for the first time out to the newborn photoshoot. Though she’s been at our home when we’ve had little ones over, I’ve never brought her with me when I’ve visited a family’s home. She was sure to point out every little thing I was doing wrong and to give me her own pointers. A few times we really were competing for the best shots. I told her at the rate she’s going I may just have to hire her in years to come. She smiled and on the way home we talked about what she wanted to be when she “grew up”. She’s still got her heart set on being a doctor these days. I love it. I asked her what type of doctor and she said “a baby doctor” so she could help the babies who need it. I just admire her spirit so much. She has so many interests and so filled with energy and ambition.

The weeks ahead are doomed to be super busy for me as I return to work, continue to get caught up and pursuing my photography. I’ll do my best to keep this blog updated in the coming weeks – it’s definitely been a source of inspiration this past month. So again, thank you all.