Even miracles take a little time

“Even miracles take a little time.” ~Cinderella

Yes, this news seems like a miracle after all we’ve been through. We feel very blessed to inform you all that our family is once again expecting our third little one. We found out this past weekend that many months after our last miscarriage that finally I am pregnant again. I admit I began to think the day would never come and at times began to think giving up would be better for me emotionally than trying month after month and feeling just as heartbroken as I did in October. But this past week I’ve been reassured that miracles just take a little longer sometimes. We continue to hope God’s protecting us and this little one that’s on the way.

Today we went to my first OB appointment and it’s still too early to share anything more than the news that I am pregnant. This morning at my appointment the nurse confirmed how many times I’ve been pregnant as she did she sighed saying “You’ve been pregnant…six….times, correct?” It took so much to hold the tears back realizing that I now face this hurdle again where looking at the numbers I fear the odds are against us but I’ve dug down deep to try to remain strong and think so optimistically this time. Since finding out the news this weekend we’ve sat here debating the last few days when exactly we’d share this news. Given the fact that I have miscarried 3 out of the 5 previous times I was pregnant I think it’s obvious why we usually elect to hesitate to share this news. Though we’ve been to the doctor we have  yet to hear a heartbeat and we’re obviously just as nervous as we are excited. We decided to share this news now because we know so many of you have been just as anxiously awaiting to hear this news. There hasn’t been a day that has passed since October that I haven’t thought about our loss or the hope our family has to someday welcome another little one into this world. I recall the first few times being pregnant years ago feeling like I should hide the news until we heard the heartbeat and have learned it has only hurt us more. Many feel as though we should keep the news secret but I honestly only think it’ll make these next few weeks harder on me trying to hide the fact that I am pregnant. We have embraced this pregnancy fully and know that if anything happens you all will find out either way and continue to be there offering so much reassurance to my family.

Okay, tell us when you’re going to have that baby?
We’re still not 100% certain of the due date but after my first OB appointment today the doctor believes I’m about six weeks along. If this is correct and everything goes as planned the baby would be born sometime in March 2011.

How did your doctor’s appointment go?
Everyone from the moment I entered the doctor’s office was amazing. I’m fairly certain everyone recognized my name or recognized me passing through the office. The nurses that had seen me before were quite excited to see I had OB papers in hand and everyone offered us the warmest wishes for a healthy pregnancy. The doctor offered reassurance and said thus far there is no reason to worry. Easier said than done, but overall the appointment went well. It’s still too early to detect a heartbeat without an ultrasound. Because there are no immediate concerns with this pregnancy thus far we will have to wait a few days before our first ultrasound next Monday afternoon. Hopefully by then we’ll have a more firm due date. I know seeing a heartbeat would help me rest a little easier.

Do the kids know?
Yes, we told the kids yesterday. Jaylen is still a bit too young to understand but Hope knew right away when Jason sat down and talked to her. She’s very excited but I obviously worry how much she may worry about me and the baby. She’s told me a few times since October that she never wants “that” (meaning the miscarriage) to happen to me ever again. I adore her sweet spirit and loving support. I just pray that my body is strong enough to protect this little one through the months ahead because I don’t want my family to relive last October ever again.

How are you feeling?
The last few weeks I’ve been feeling very fatigued and have had very little energy. Beyond working, taking Jaylen to his swim lessons, and a few times doing photography I have felt like I’ve been hibernating…yes, like a bear. I’ve had quite a few crampy growing pains these last few weeks that I can officially attribute to this pregnancy. They worry me so much but the doctor said they are perfectly normal, especially after being pregnant this many times. This past weekend I began feeling very nauseous and every day the nausea has progressively gotten worse where I find myself throughout the day feeling so sick. I’ve stocked up on saltines and toast has helped curb the nausea at times. Eating lots of small meals seems to make the days go a little smoother. I’ve had a few low grade fevers and chills since the weekend. The doctor said it’s very normal during the first trimester and it’s likely my body adjusting to the many changes going on right now.

For the last couple of months as I’ve continued to cope with the emotions caused by the miscarriage this past October and since have clung to the words of this poem. I realize that things are out of my hands now and we just need to believe. So I leave you all with the words of this poem that has echo’d in my head these last few months and looking back has now given me a renewed sense of hope but has also helped remind me that I will never forget the little ones I have lost over the years.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won’t soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

I thank you all now, knowing I can feel the love and support you all are sending our way.

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July 21, 2010 - 12:49 pm

Christine - Congrats Amanda! My prayers are with you!

July 21, 2010 - 12:51 pm

ki.p - Congrats Amanda! Best of luck to you and your family. You can do it. I have a family friend who has 3 kids and 3 miscarriages. I remember being young and my mother assisting her thru the hard times. Joy will come to you I’m sure!! :D

July 21, 2010 - 1:30 pm

Nando - Congratulations, Amanda. God bless and I pray things will work out.

July 21, 2010 - 1:55 pm

yvette - Congratulations, Amanda! I am so happy for you and your family! I WILL be praying for all of you. I was at Pawmosa today and thought of our trip. To come home and see this news only made it more special.

July 21, 2010 - 3:24 pm

Aunt Deb - Congratulations Amanda – nausea is a good sign. I will be praying daily for the little one you carry!!!

July 21, 2010 - 11:31 pm

Ed Cross - Congratulations!

July 22, 2010 - 11:02 am

katie mascarello simari - congrats!! positive thoughts for you and your family! take care of yourself!!! :)

July 22, 2010 - 12:28 pm

Susie @newdaynewlesson - I am so happy for you. Miracles do happen and I am sending joy and light your way.

I am choking back tears at the poem and I want to share one I just wrote yesterday for my sister and her husband who will be burying their third child born at 36 weeks stillborn.

I hope it is okay to share it.

Unconditional love
so plain and pure

for a child born an angel
with a soul too good.

Too good for
the kind of heartbreak
his loss has brought

to the hearts of those
waiting and
wanting him most.

There is
no pain
that can possibly compare

to a parent consoling
a child
who thinks his loss is unfair.

A child who doesn’t understand
why his brother’s heart
won’t beat.

A child who wants to
fix things and make
his brother and mother complete.

All the dreams and hopes
dashed by
no beating heart.

The hearts broken
and aching
and falling apart.

To never have
witnessed you taking
a breath.

Instead we part with you
and try to cope
with your death.

So much love to give
so many feelings
and words

but reality and dreams
are now
a bit blurred.

We say goodbye
and although now
we part

we will carry
our love for you
forever in our hearts.

Thank you
for blessing us
with your angelic face

we release you now
with our love
as your embrace.

“Loving Embrace” © Susie@NewDayNewLesson 2010

July 22, 2010 - 12:28 pm

Susie @newdaynewlesson - just realized the poem got all squished-if you want it in better format, please email me.

July 22, 2010 - 2:40 pm

K. Crafton - My prayers for a healthy pregnancy go out to you. We’re actually due about the same time and I know well of the fear that comes with hope for a baby, a healthy baby. Congrats to you!

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