The unexpected third surgery

joleen - i love you!!

Marcos Crespo - Sometimes we don’t know why things happen. We certainly don’t know why certain things happen to us in particular. They just do. Trust me, I know. You just have to take it one day at a time. “Life is what happens to you when you are making other plans”. I cannot say I completely understand what you are going through. But I can say that I understand what it is to have to deal with something going wrong with my body, seeing a lot of hospital, needing multiple (very painful) eye surgeries and not seeing a whole lot of progress (but quite the opposite). Something has been taken away. It’s tough and often dark. But remember, you are not alone.

It’s great to receive so much encouragement from others. I’m sure you deeply appreciate all the sympathy, consideration, words of encouragement and all the warm wishes you get from so many through email, your blog, in person or written. Their faith in you, especially those nearest to your heart, mean the world to you. That, is what keeps you going. You remain positive as much as you can. After all, that’s what your family needs. Being the true soldier that you are, you keep trucking along as you always have. But remember, you are not alone.

Through all this, despite so much expressed love and sincere support, there remain unanswered questions, lingering feelings of inadequacy and possible silent fears. After all, what is happening to you is not normal. As you go along, you have some good days and sometimes you just don’t. You go through it hoping things are going to get better, but you just really don’t know if they will. You hang on to your faith and to the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. You pray you have a better week, a better year. Sometimes that’s all you have, hope and prayer. You are not alone.

Oh! But how powerful that hope and those prayers are! Speaking from experience, they matter. They are not in vane. They are not empty. Hope truly moves mountains. Your prayers are certainly heard, even those your very lips cannot clearly express (but are deep within your soul). I’m not trying to sound profound or poetic. I’m just speaking what comes to mind as I reflect on my own experience, some of which you witnessed as I struggled to make it through school with the endless eye surgeries and the long and painful recoveries I faced (and still struggle with). You are not alone.

I used to have 2 well functioning eyes. I lost one. It’s basically blind. I used to have vision in it. But I see better now. I see that life is precious. I see there is so much to be grateful for. I see that I’m loved, appreciated and I make a difference. I better learned that their will always be things in my life that will try to take my focus away from all the great things life has to offer. I realize that life is much bigger than any medical condition I have. I more clearly see, that there are others who struggle with conditions much more complicated than mine. It may be tough, but what I struggle with is not the worst thing that can happen to me. There are so many things I will miss out on in life if I only focus on me and my struggle.

I continue to learn that it’s OK to feel, to hurt, to cry and to, once in a while, have a pitty party for myself. (I just have to make sure I keep’em vert short so that I can move on). It’s OK, and often very good, to be open about my struggle, pain and fears. That’s why I so much respect and appreciate your openness about your battles through your blog.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned (and continue to learn) is to enjoy the NOW. I’ve learned to enjoy where I am at, despite hardship (or because of it). I better appreciate what I do have and not worry so much about what I don’t. I work hard towards what I want to achieve or acquire. But I enjoy the process more and not let challenges rob me for missing out out fulfilling moments or from creating great memories. I’m learning to, once in a while, stop and smell the roses.

Amanda, you are a great inspiration to so many. You are a tremendously courageous woman, a true soldier. Thank you for sharing with us your knowledge and creative talents, your joys as well as your struggles. You are a great instructor in school and a wonderful teacher beyond the classroom. You are a great performer on the stage of life. Keep it up. You’re doing great! Hang in there, because you are not alone!

Danna - Amanda, I have just spent some time reading through your recent blog posts and my heart is breaking. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. My thoughts are with you and your family.