Our Loss is Heaven’s Gain

The last few weeks I’ve been keeping a pretty big secret from everyone in hopes to have shared great news today that our family was expecting our third child. However, after going to the doctor for the fourth time in just over two weeks it was confirmed today that the baby that I’ve been carrying for nearly seven weeks does not have a heartbeat. It’s extremely tough to accept, but for the third time in just over ten years I have miscarried another baby. During these tough times I am reminded that our loss is heaven’s gain.

Our Loss is Heaven's Gain

My “Hope”
As I have experienced just about every range of emotions these last few weeks, even more so today, the toughest part has been telling Hope. When we first found out that we were expecting three weeks ago Jason and I decided we would inform Hope of the good news, despite my history of miscarriages. She has heard over the years of our losses as well as other family members who have also miscarried so we knew she understood the risks when we told her the good news a couple weeks ago, however, now that I have miscarried one of the hardest parts is knowing how much my baby girl, my “Hope”, is hurting inside. Because we had anticipated good news today, we told her she could possibly tell her class today. She had kept a secret for nearly three weeks now and finally told her class today so when she got home we broke the bad news to her and all I could do was hold my baby girl as both of our hearts began to hurt a little more knowing there was nothing we could do to save this baby we had come to both want so much. As I held her today and we both cried I was reminded of the first two miscarriages before having Hope and how just like now, “hope” was about all I had left within.

268/365: she's such an awesome sister.

I Am Blessed
There really isn’t anything that will make the upcoming days, weeks and months ahead any easier, but the one thing that will see me through all the moments ahead is reminding myself just how blessed I am already. The first two times I miscarried I remember how much it hurt, not just to lose a baby but to wonder if I would ever be blessed with a child. I feel so lucky that I do now have two children. I really thought that my history of miscarriages was behind me, but apparently not. But having two beautiful, healthy children reminds me that through these trying times I have been blessed.

265/365: smooches
My strength
I don’t know how many times people have referred to me as “super woman”. If the world only knew just how much this soul of mine has hurt they’d know I struggle so hard to hold on to the strength to get through painful moments like these and that I am far from “super woman”. The emotions I feel right now are so connected to many of the words Whitney Houston sings in the song I feel has held me through the last few weeks “I didn’t know my own strength”:

“There were so many times I Wondered how I’d get through the night
I Thought I took all I could take
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength”

Just as with the past miscarriages and I am so thankful to have this amazing man standing behind me and loving me so dearly. Jason has been that strength I have needed and once again I am so appreciative he is here through these trying times. He has had to endure so many of my emotions these last few weeks and today as I learned the news he helped remind me of all those important things that life has ahead for me. I’m even more appreciative because as I will likely be taking time to rest and recover he has and will continue to be my strength as he has had to make countless phone calls to inform those closest to us who did know the news.

256/365: "you will have many friends when you need them"

“You will have many friends when you need them.”
Just shortly after learning I was pregnant I got this fortune and found it so fitting. At the time, though I feared the thoughts of a miscarriage, I was almost more overwhelmed with the thoughts of how I’d juggle teaching fulltime, pursuing my masters at Savannah College of Art & Design, continuing with my photography, and adding one more child to my family. I was told time and time again by the few that I did tell early on that if there was anyone who could do it, it would be me. Now as I sit here and experience all the emotions that follow miscarrying, I’m reminded that there are so many of you who do care dearly and are there. I hope not to sound rude, but there are only a very small number of people who I have allowed into this circle of mine during this grieving process and as much as I know you all care – right now I sincerely appreciate the much needed space and continued prayers. As it takes so much to tell you all this news, I must tell you from my experiences in the past, that I likely will not care to talk about it often. Just the thoughts of this loss brings me to tears, and likely will for days, weeks and months ahead.

Where we go from here
Monday morning I will be undergoing a D&C surgery. Though I did have a choice to wait to see if the miscarriage would occur naturally, I personally did not want to wait any longer than needed. I am sure I will be grieving for a while, but I am confident that the quicker I can put the physical factors of miscarrying behind me that it will enable me to accept and let go a little easier so that I may move on with life and hopefully resume some normalcy in my life. I will likely be taking the next week or more off of work in order to rest and recover.

Will you try again?
If there is one question I do NOT want to be asked, that is it. Right now in these times of uncertainty, no matter how much my family has come to long for this third child, I truly do not know whether or not we will try again for another child. I keep telling myself over and over that no one person should have to hurt as much as I have. I’m not sure if I’m ready to confront that decision because I’m not sure how many more hurtful emotions I can endure. Though part of me does hold out so much hope still knowing how much my family has come to want another child, I don’t know if I ever want my family to experience these painful emotions again. Right now I think it’s so much more important that we take the time to see our family through these moments and perhaps in time, once our hearts have had time to heal, we may consider trying again.

It will get better in time
Of those who have asked how they could help, I really can only tell you that “time” is the only thing that will help us get past the moments ahead. I can’t say thank you enough to everyone for their warm wishes and prayers. As I spend time ahead getting past these moments, I am once again reminded:

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.”

So I wanted to take a moment to thank you all now, before I officially publish this news – knowing how supportive everyone around me has and will continue to be.

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October 2, 2009 - 6:00 pm

Amanda - I have typed and deleted so many times now. I was conflicted about calling you earlier when I heard. I am soo sorry. I didn’t want to burden you with another call as I can only imagine like you said that space is the only thing you need right now. I just wanted to let you know that my heart is with you right now and although I’m not really much of the praying type I will say one now for you and everyone else in the house.

October 2, 2009 - 6:01 pm

joleen - oh amanda i am so sorry to hear that i know what you have been through and i love you more than i have probably ever shown it i wish that my words could find you some comfort however i know that is probably not the case. Please know that you and Jason and dear sweet Hope are in my prayers (i know jaylen is prob too young to realize) I know that you probably wouldnt think to but if you do ever need me im here i love you guys and squeeze Hope for me love you sis!

October 2, 2009 - 6:02 pm

joleen - Oh and i know i told you before but i feel the need to tell you again I LOVE YOU GUYS!

October 2, 2009 - 6:12 pm

P - So very sorry to hear of your loss…

The last words my brother said to me were “keep the faith”. I keep those words very close to me and they have reminded and sustained me through a lot of very difficult times in the last several years. I know your faith will carry you through these difficult times ahead as well.

Please know that I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers and in his healing light in hopes that you find peace soon.

God bless you all.

October 2, 2009 - 6:48 pm

sweetkisses0530 - i’m so sorry :( i really don’t know what else to say, other than the years i’ve come to know you, you ARE a strong woman and no words can describe your pain but you do have a lot of people that truly do care ::hugs::

October 2, 2009 - 7:21 pm

Barbara Peterson - You know you’ve become like another daughter to me, Amanda. So words can’t express how sad we are for you and your beautiful family. Keep the faith and remember you are loved. The hole is big right now but I know they – and maybe some of us too will help fill it a bit over time.

October 2, 2009 - 9:11 pm

Ann OKeeffe - I am so sorry!
I am sure this is so hard for you and I’m sad that you had to go through this. My prayers are with you and your family.

October 2, 2009 - 10:29 pm

ki.p - your children and family are beautiful, and we see their beauty through your eyes in your pictures. the photo of you and Hope comforting each other speaks volumes. be well. my heart goes out to you.

October 2, 2009 - 10:58 pm

Angelique - There aren’t words to adequately express what your family will be enduring in the days to come. You are an amazing, gifted, strong woman. God has blessed you with a beautiful spirit, a generous heart, and a beautiful family as shown through your dear husband, Hope and Jayden. You more than anyone understand what a precious gift your family is. As I will respect your wishes not to ask or speak of this most grievous pain, please know that you will be in the heartfelt prayers of my family in the weeks to come and that if you should need anything you need only ask and I’ll be there. There is healing in tears and allowing yourself this time to grieve.

Cry like pouring rain when sadness takes you over.
Instead of straining to keep a facade of peace,
Cry alone until tears run dry…

Cry, cry and cry…
Tears are there to protect your heart.
When tears finally run dry, your heart will be calm and quiet.
Feeling clear inside,
You will be left with the transpicuous sense of being blessed with life.
So, look for beautiful things around you,
And you will find a hope, a hope to move on and remember that you are blessed.

October 3, 2009 - 4:47 am

Barbara - Amanda ~ no words from anyone can stop you and your family’s sorrow. So we won’t try to tell you anything. Just know that you all are encircled with love, support and prayers from so many. We are all around you now; feel it and draw strength from it. We gladly give it. Love always, Rick and Barbara

October 3, 2009 - 11:49 am

daissylinares - Stay strong A!
We’ll be here when you need us.

October 3, 2009 - 3:31 pm

Lily - I am sorry for your loss. We, too had two miscarriages before I gave birth to my kids and I understand how painful it can be.

October 3, 2009 - 7:50 pm

Jaime Scott - I am so sorry. I know there is not anything I can say to take away your pain, but I pray that you and your family experience God’s peace and comfort and hope during this time.

October 4, 2009 - 2:34 am

Wendy - Amanda, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I know that many of my close friends are trying without success… but they can’t give up. God has a purpose for each of us. I wish your family much happiness and comfort.

October 4, 2009 - 11:26 am

Connie - Amanda, I knew you would express your feelings with writing and photography. It is a gift and talent God gave you and as you can tell, we all appreciate you letting us in that way. I can only say that I love you all and will be there in any way that you need me. I am so proud of you and Jason. You are beautiful parents. And Hope is such a great big sister. I don’t know why this would happen to you again, but I know that only God could love that baby more. It’s as you said, “Our loss is Heaven’s gain”. I told Hope the baby was a tiny little angel that will be flickering around, watching over you all now. Keep your hearts open. You are surrounded by love.

October 4, 2009 - 2:20 pm

Roody Desgrottes - You must be blessed to have such good and precious children as well as those who were too good to be put on this earth. I wish your family well as you move through these trying times.

October 4, 2009 - 2:50 pm

Chris Desgrottes - I can’t even begin to understand the pain you must feel. The strength you must have is amazing. You clearly have great support on earth and in heaven. My heart and prayers goes out to you and your family.

October 4, 2009 - 10:27 pm

michelledupont - Sending you love and strength…. x

October 5, 2009 - 1:09 am

Dacoup Howell - I am so sorry to learn this. I wish there was something to say or do to remove this hurt from your heart… or the tears from my eyes. I can’t find words strong enough to satisfy myself, let alone you. Honestly, i don’t think think such words exist. I would like for you to know that at the very least, I am aware and I care. Please continue to be strong.

October 5, 2009 - 1:25 pm

Aida - Amanda,Jason,Hope and Jayden God Bless you.

October 5, 2009 - 5:17 pm

Angel Vazquez - Hi ma’am,
I’m sorry about your loss, but always remember that there is a God looking over us, and He sometimes allows his children go through certain experiences, so that they can grow stronger. God will not fail you, have faith, because He has faith in you. Seek the Lord and everything else will come added. May God Bless you and your home.


June 12, 2014 - 9:37 am

Morgan - Amanda,

I just found your blog and this post and can barely find the words to thank you. I miscarried on Monday and your words have helped me and brought me so much hope for the future. Thank you for having the courage to tell your story and know that five years later it is still doing so much good.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

July 18, 2015 - 5:50 pm

Alison Pettit - I just found your post and wanted to say how much I appreciated your story. I just had a miscarriage at 15 weeks and it’s the most devastating pain I have felt. I have always been a compassionate person but I understand compassion on a completely different level now. I have a strong faith in God and absolutely loved your quote. I’m so sorry for your many losses – this is my second loss and the pain doesn’t get any easier.

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