The last few weeks I’ve been keeping a pretty big secret from everyone in hopes to have shared great news today that our family was expecting our third child. However, after going to the doctor for the fourth time in just over two weeks it was confirmed today that the baby that I’ve been carrying for nearly seven weeks does not have a heartbeat. It’s extremely tough to accept, but for the third time in just over ten years I have miscarried another baby. During these tough times I am reminded that our loss is heaven’s gain.
As I have experienced just about every range of emotions these last few weeks, even more so today, the toughest part has been telling Hope. When we first found out that we were expecting three weeks ago Jason and I decided we would inform Hope of the good news, despite my history of miscarriages. She has heard over the years of our losses as well as other family members who have also miscarried so we knew she understood the risks when we told her the good news a couple weeks ago, however, now that I have miscarried one of the hardest parts is knowing how much my baby girl, my “Hope”, is hurting inside. Because we had anticipated good news today, we told her she could possibly tell her class today. She had kept a secret for nearly three weeks now and finally told her class today so when she got home we broke the bad news to her and all I could do was hold my baby girl as both of our hearts began to hurt a little more knowing there was nothing we could do to save this baby we had come to both want so much. As I held her today and we both cried I was reminded of the first two miscarriages before having Hope and how just like now, “hope” was about all I had left within.
I Am Blessed
There really isn’t anything that will make the upcoming days, weeks and months ahead any easier, but the one thing that will see me through all the moments ahead is reminding myself just how blessed I am already. The first two times I miscarried I remember how much it hurt, not just to lose a baby but to wonder if I would ever be blessed with a child. I feel so lucky that I do now have two children. I really thought that my history of miscarriages was behind me, but apparently not. But having two beautiful, healthy children reminds me that through these trying times I have been blessed.
I don’t know how many times people have referred to me as “super woman”. If the world only knew just how much this soul of mine has hurt they’d know I struggle so hard to hold on to the strength to get through painful moments like these and that I am far from “super woman”. The emotions I feel right now are so connected to many of the words Whitney Houston sings in the song I feel has held me through the last few weeks “I didn’t know my own strength”:
“There were so many times I Wondered how I’d get through the night
I Thought I took all I could take
I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength”
Just as with the past miscarriages and I am so thankful to have this amazing man standing behind me and loving me so dearly. Jason has been that strength I have needed and once again I am so appreciative he is here through these trying times. He has had to endure so many of my emotions these last few weeks and today as I learned the news he helped remind me of all those important things that life has ahead for me. I’m even more appreciative because as I will likely be taking time to rest and recover he has and will continue to be my strength as he has had to make countless phone calls to inform those closest to us who did know the news.
“You will have many friends when you need them.”
Just shortly after learning I was pregnant I got this fortune and found it so fitting. At the time, though I feared the thoughts of a miscarriage, I was almost more overwhelmed with the thoughts of how I’d juggle teaching fulltime, pursuing my masters at Savannah College of Art & Design, continuing with my photography, and adding one more child to my family. I was told time and time again by the few that I did tell early on that if there was anyone who could do it, it would be me. Now as I sit here and experience all the emotions that follow miscarrying, I’m reminded that there are so many of you who do care dearly and are there. I hope not to sound rude, but there are only a very small number of people who I have allowed into this circle of mine during this grieving process and as much as I know you all care – right now I sincerely appreciate the much needed space and continued prayers. As it takes so much to tell you all this news, I must tell you from my experiences in the past, that I likely will not care to talk about it often. Just the thoughts of this loss brings me to tears, and likely will for days, weeks and months ahead.
Where we go from here
Monday morning I will be undergoing a D&C surgery. Though I did have a choice to wait to see if the miscarriage would occur naturally, I personally did not want to wait any longer than needed. I am sure I will be grieving for a while, but I am confident that the quicker I can put the physical factors of miscarrying behind me that it will enable me to accept and let go a little easier so that I may move on with life and hopefully resume some normalcy in my life. I will likely be taking the next week or more off of work in order to rest and recover.
Will you try again?
If there is one question I do NOT want to be asked, that is it. Right now in these times of uncertainty, no matter how much my family has come to long for this third child, I truly do not know whether or not we will try again for another child. I keep telling myself over and over that no one person should have to hurt as much as I have. I’m not sure if I’m ready to confront that decision because I’m not sure how many more hurtful emotions I can endure. Though part of me does hold out so much hope still knowing how much my family has come to want another child, I don’t know if I ever want my family to experience these painful emotions again. Right now I think it’s so much more important that we take the time to see our family through these moments and perhaps in time, once our hearts have had time to heal, we may consider trying again.
It will get better in time
Of those who have asked how they could help, I really can only tell you that “time” is the only thing that will help us get past the moments ahead. I can’t say thank you enough to everyone for their warm wishes and prayers. As I spend time ahead getting past these moments, I am once again reminded:
“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.”
So I wanted to take a moment to thank you all now, before I officially publish this news – knowing how supportive everyone around me has and will continue to be.