As the days pass our family is beginning to return to more of a daily routine. I’m gradually regaining my energy and know that by this time next week I’ll be back at work. I spent a bit of time today logging into all the courses I’m teaching this semester to update my students online. Again I found myself so appreciative to feel all the support and care from the students I’m teaching this semester who have been very understanding. My energy seems to come in small spurts lately and today definitely proved to be one that called for quite a bit of rest after feeling fatigued, dizzy and headaches today. I woke up from a morning nap this morning to be greeted by a recent purchase we made this past weekend with Pottery Barn, which definitely was the highlight of the day for me.
Since the years we spent struggling to have Jaylen I remember thinking of what we’d do if we ever had another child when it came to such sentimental things to me, like growth charts. I remember in December 2005 running into an awesome ruler growth chart at Pottery Barn kids and thinking it would be perfect for Hope and if we ever had any other children. At the time they were out of stock in the store and I decided to wait to order it when we finally were expecting another child. Once we learned we were expecting Jaylen in 2007 I went back to Pottery Barn and even searched online and could find the ruler no where. I even tried to locate other types that were similar and could find nothing quite as cool as the one I had remembered. I gave in after having Jaylen and purchased cute canvas growth charts for both the kids. As the last two years have passed I’ve come to notice that the canvas has been hard to write on and with the humidity I fear that in the years to come the writing will fade away. It wasn’t until I became pregnant again that I was reminded of that ruler growth chart at Pottery Barn.
The last month I’ve endured so many more emotions than most were ever aware of in that time that I had known I was pregnant. Just 5 days after finding out the good news we were seen quickly by the doctor because the first trimester has always been high risk for me. The doctor even scheduled an ultrasound to confirm an accurate due date. That first appointment left me just as emotional as I have been this week after seeing nothing in the ultrasound because it was so early. I remember fearing that day that it would only be a matter of time before I miscarried but that same evening I held out so much hope after something made me check the Pottery Barn web site and I found this growth chart again. I kept saying that it must be a sign that everything would be okay and it reminded me to remain hopeful. I actually considered using this growth chart to inform many of this pregnancy to say our “family was growing”. I know now that I was so wrong with this pregnancy, but knowing how much these growing pains have been to our family I decided after miscarrying that I wouldn’t hesitate to purchase the growth chart, knowing it will become a treasured family heirloom reminding me how much my children have grown over the years. This by no means has given me the confidence to feel as though we’re ready to even consider going through these tough moments again, but if the day should ever come that our family is blessed with another child I now know that there would be room to keep up with how fast the little one would grow on this growth chart. Hope and Jaylen have been excited about the ruler all day measuring themselves.
MY POUTY PANDA
Today Jaylen’s halloween costume also came in. He’s going to be one cute little panda. We tried on his costume for the first time today. He seemed interested in it at first but it was only a matter of time before he became my pouty little panda. We still need to run out and find some black pants for him to wear underneath it, but I think you all will agree that he’s the most adorable panda ever.
OUR FURLICIOUS NEW BEANBAG
Something I’ve been needing for quite sometime is a new beanbag for newborn photoshoots. Our beanbag also came in today with our Pottery Barn order. It is furry, just like an awesome flokati rug. Hope and I tested it out today. In the coming weeks I’ll get to use this in upcoming newborn photoshoots – something tells me the babies will love our soft new furry bean bag.
HOW HOPE IS DOING
Hope is so emotionally connected to me it’s not even funny. The last few days she has been doing better but she has had her fair share of moody and emotional moments that have made things a little more challenging for me at times. But overall she’s doing well. She’s been very helpful, especially with her brother – she even helped him get into his high chair last night at dinner time!
My heart goes out to my baby girl though. I know she had her hopes up so high before we found out this tough news, so much so that she told the secret about the baby before she was suppose to. All of the kids at school were so excited for her last Friday. So much so that one child today who wasn’t aware of our loss came to school with a gift for Hope’s “baby brother”. I’m sure Hope had a tough time with this, though I know she has the best teachers at school looking out for her. Jason and I are so appreciative that she has such caring people at school that are helping her through these moments while she’s away from home.
Thank you all again for all the support. We continue to receive calls, emails, and notes from those of you who have just learned of our loss. Each and every one continues to remind us how much this family of mine is loved. I hold out faith that as the days pass that we continue to gather the strength needed to get through this.