Amanda Kern

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.” ~ Unknown

Today Chance is 2 weeks old. It was also his due date. He wasn’t suppose to be here until today, but it was inevitable that he had to arrive earlier and now I can’t help but admire him and how much he’s grown in the two weeks that have seemed to lasted an eternity since his birth.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I’ve had many people tell me to take a break from everything and just rest. It’s a little ironic that the moment I don’t twitter or facebook how concerned people do get. Little do people know that the busy moments twittering, facebooking, and writing emails are what help keep me moving. So for me to just halt was definitely a sign that I was feeling more miserable. I had to have CT scan that morning and visited Chance just once yesterday and took only one photo of him realizing how much we both were growing weary of our time in the hospital.

I waited all day to hear the results of the CT scan yesterday. The day dragged along and I continued to be in pain. Added to the pain were headaches that made the day tougher for me. I had no energy to get up and elected to stay in bed, rest and leave my baby boy to be cared for by the nurses in the NICU. Later in the evening my doctor came in to chat with me and said the CT scan looked good and there were no concerns to worry them with the need for further medical procedures. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I remained overnight with hopes that I’d rest and so the doctor could check on me again in the morning.

Anyone whose doctor is a part of a large practice can probably relate to how challenging it can be to speak as openly to all the doctors. I only feel connected to two doctors in the practice who I know would do anything to help me get better. The others, though I trust their expertise, I always begin to wonder if they feel I’m overreacting or am often told everything I’m feeling is normal. My doctor last night came to me late in the evening, making me feel blessed by her presence. I felt helpless. In pain. I had a headache. And she said that though the CT scan came back normal it’s certainly possible to still feel pain, especially if my doctor stitched the muscles during the C-section, something she says she does commonly. She said the muscles are usually the last thing to feel healing and can often feel more painful because they are used often. It still hurts to sit, stand, and walk. I can’t cough, sneeze, or laugh without feeling in pain. She reminded me that none of what I have went through was what I wanted or expected to happen and that it’s not uncommon for my body to have a tougher time trying to recuperate because of it.

Then she asked the question I didn’t expect to hear, “how are you doing with post partum depression?” All I could do was cry. She said I reached the point where it begins to typically set in and that she was worried about me because I didn’t seem to be myself. And I begin to wonder, at what point do you differentiate the baby blues from post partum despression. I’ve never been treated for it before, but I recall with each pregnancy feeling the highs and lows after my kids were born. I suppose I have never been one to ask for help, nor to know when I truly need help. She reminded me that it was okay to ask for help and that no one would judge me if I needed help reminding me how much I had been through. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen the way it has. How can I not feel anything but sad to know that the perfect little one I dreamed of was born with a disability that has required so much extra care in less than two weeks. He’s already had three surgeries and has been here far longer than I wished. But I knew he’d be here. I know all this would happen. I prepared for it. I expected it. I definitely wasn’t ready for it. I prayed, just like so many of you, that he would be okay. That perhaps he might not really have spina bifida. Or if he did perhaps it’d be so mild that maybe we wouldn’t need to go through so many surgeries or be here this long. I prayed that he’d be spared going through so much in such a short time. And it feels as though as the days pass we are here longer and he undergoes more and more that only breaks my heart to see. I continue to be reminded of my desire to give up shortly after the diagnosis and am not afraid to admit wondering if giving up would have been an easier and better choice. But I can’t imagine life without my son. I feel so robbed of the first two weeks of his life watching him curled up and growing chubbier by the day. I had dreamed of being home by now, finding happiness in doing his newborn photos.

So to ask me if I’m doing well…I don’t think I can really answer that one. It’s tough to say yes when my heart has ached for quite some time. I feel like the last year and a half I’ve poured out my heart in words on my blog and that it’s evident how much I have been hurting. It’s lasted far longer than Chance’s birth, or his diagnosis of spina bifida, or the time hoping to conceive him. Perhaps the miscarriage and the many surgeries and medical procedures that followed were the spiral down to where I have found myself. The point when I tried to remain “strong” and you all accused me to be “super woman”. I am far from that. I have felt weaker than my written words could ever explain. Though I’ve expressed so much publicly on my blog, I think only a few people have really seen or felt the true sadness I’ve held within. My poor husband has had to see my cry and hold me so many times. My children have watched me in and out of tears. A teacher and some colleagues have recognized my out pour of sadness and have suggested I seek help. Or made the mention that if I were anyone else I’d have had a complete breakdown. I have lost one of my absolutely best friends, all because of the burden of my sadness. Now as I’m suppose to be experiencing all this happiness all I can remember is how I shouldn’t feel abandoned as I struggle to watch my son go through so much and as I continue to try to recover. But so often I feel very alone. I have elected all this time to stay strong and trust that I would feel better in time. And that the happiness would soon overpower the sadness. And then talking to the doctor last night reminded me that my perceived strength isn’t something I need to pretend. To have a doctor tell me how strong I was…yet how much she’d understand if I asked for help was beyond touching. I think those as stubborn as myself are known not to ask for help and to pray the sadness subsides with the belief that surrendering to anything else may make me feel weaker. It was a conversation I cried through and wasn’t ready to talk about. I seem to cope better by writing and I’m not ashamed once again to write publicly, perhaps it’s my way of accepting and realizing I probably do need help. I recall last year posting this quote after feeling as though some closest to me, to include the one and only friend I relied on after the miscarriage making me feel as though they had no time when I needed their help the most:

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.” -H Jackson Brown Jr.

To later have one of my students remind me that all these inspiring people who are well known for bringing greatness to the world had moments where they needed help, or it was later learned they suffered serious struggles in life that made them work harder and more fiercely through their trials. I myself have found my trials to push me to work more intensely and I look back and some of my biggest and best accomplishments in life came just after challenging moments when most people would have given up completely. I suppose all that is happening and all that I’m feeling has only made me realize I am human. The super powers really only go so far. I’ve tried to help so many others besides myself that now I’m probably the one that requires the most help.

Yes, as I begin to recognize I probably need to seek the support for a change I am not ashamed to write it publicly. And perhaps that’s because I can sense so many more of you who have or are out there going through the same. In the past when I’ve openly confronted writing on my blog about things that made my heart ache most, many times it’s in turn caused so many of you to come out of the wood works to thank me for helping them to relate or cope through similar situations. Maybe somehow in helping myself I might help someone else.

I spent a bit of the early afternoon visiting Chance. My little fellow is looking chunkier by the day. He was all curled up in his new pod next to babies that were far sicker than he was. We had to leave the room briefly after one baby required a lot of concerning care. It made me feel a little more blessed that he’d be home soon.

He smiled a lot for me this afternoon. It helped me smile a bit more too.

I fear most that I’ve missed his “newborn” moments I had prayed to capture best like I have for so many other families. Seeing him today reminded me how pudgy he’s beginning to get. He eats about 3oz per feeding every 3-4 hours.

He’s tired of being stuck in the hospital too.

I’m hoping to be discharged from the hospital today. The doctor’s are concerned with the headaches I’ve been having and today the doctor on call even suggested another CT scan of the head. I really don’t want to undergo any additional tests now. I was miserable after yesterday’s CT scan. Not only did I not enjoy the experience but I had to pump & dump every ounce of Chance’s milk and definitely brought my spirits down lower. The doctor plans to check on me a bit later in the day after a dose of excedine.

Chance’s doctor came to check on him. She said he’s doing great. His back isn’t leaking but she did notice a little residual blood/fluid this morning so she wants to wait just one more day before we get to hold him. I told him today as I could sense he was getting uncomfortable that I’d get to hold him tomorrow and he smiled. The goal now is to be home by the end of the week but right now it all depends on how his back heals.