Deja Vue.

“Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” ~Lord Byron

As many of you have been reading my blog and staying updated through twitter, facebook and flickr then you’re likely aware that I have been readmitted into the hospital. Total bummer, but we suspected it might happen when the medication prescribed Tuesday didn’t seem to be working. Though I began to feel a little better Wednesday by Thursday it all hit me hard and I realized by Friday I would be calling the doctor. I think back to Thursday and it was a day I tried to rest even more. I let Jason visit Chance without me in the morning and preferred to stay home to rest. Thankfully he took a few photos and videos. Like this one…seems like baby boy was feeling my pain.

Chance made great progress overnight through Thursday since his shunt was put in place. He was still on a feeding tube and the doctor’s could tell he wanted to eat. I was told by the doctor and Jason that he nearly chewed through his pacifier, even though he’s been on a feeding tube – it’s just not the same and at just 9 days old he’s smart enough to know that. So they let him feed that morning for the first time – and I’ve continued to pump all this time so he got his fair share of “boob juice” (as Jason calls it).

I decided against going in the morning to the NICU because I preferred to go in the evening with the kids. I admit more than one trip leaves me feeling very fatigued and the pain was just too much for me to do more. I was so happy to go in the evening, though I spent only a few brief moments near Chance because it just hurt to much to stand or move around. But I did get to see Hope feed Chance for the first time. Aside from me & the nurses, she was the first to feed her baby brother – something she’s begged to do since the day we found out I was pregnant. It was evident that Chance recognized her presence. He was alert and began to stare at his big sister.

We returned to the NICU Friday morning to not only visit Chance but to be apart of an interview with Lauren Rowe of Channel 6 news. They were doing a special that is suppose to air on March 15th covering both Arnold & Winnie Palmer hospitals. As we waited, I admired Chance.

Yes, he slept right through his first media appearance. He was such a good boy though. Lauren Rowe & Dr. Alexander discussed the NICU as well as some of what Chance has been fighting since getting admitted into the NICU.

We got to chat with Lauren about our time in the NICU, a lot about Chance, and more about spina bifida and how it has affected him in his first 10 days of life.

Chance was assessed by the neurosurgeons after our interview. It was something they were able to capture video of after the interview. They were checking his back for leaking. In the morning it was still leaking a bit and was expected to continue to leak without intervention. They applied durabond in hopes it would help seal the leak. It was applied a time or two and by the night time it seemed to be working. If his back stops leaking we should get to hold him upright Friday and possibly go home Tuesday. If it doesn’t stop leaking it could lead him to another surgery to rework the stitching now that the fluid should be minimal now that he has a shunt in place. He was a cooperative little guy for the neurosurgeons.

As the neurosurgeons were working, I got to see the scar for the first time along with the remaining stitches. The blue stitch is where the leak seems to be continuing to happen. His wound looks so awesome now aside from the area where they’re still trying to stop the leaking.

By the late morning I was in a lot more pain. So as Chance was ready to be fed Jason jumped at the opportunity to feed him for the first time. He’s such a good daddy and spends time talking to him a lot when he’s awake.

While Jason spent time with Chance I was sent to pump milk for baby boy. Jason stayed and helped the nurse give Chance a bath. He gets pretty fiesty and doesn’t seem to like baths. I’ve heard after wards he enjoys feeling fresh & clean though.

DEJA VUE
Yes, as I sit in the hospital bed writing this latest update, I feel like I’m reliving parts of October 2009. Except so much more complex…I now have a baby boy who needs so much of our love and attention. He requires more of my energy and yes…food…I’m up often making sure I provide what he needs. I never imagined back then I’d feel so blessed, yet still so cursed. Yes, the pain never went away and actually got worse since being discharged. I feel miserable. Seems like  someone has stabbed me on one side of my stomach and the other side cramps. Sitting or standing is a painful ordeal for me. As is getting in and out of bed. I’m fatigued and have slept a lot more. I’ve had a lot more headaches the last couple of days. 11 days post partum I shouldn’t feel this awful. My doctor has been amazing and doesn’t take any risks of me getting worse. He was the same doctor that admitted me back in October 2009 and assured me he’d help me feel all better and I have the confidence that he’ll do the same this time. I’m on a triple dose of heavy antibiotics that we pray get rid of whatever might be going on. All lab work showed no signs of infection, but I was told some organs like the uterus don’t typically show signs of infection until things get really bad.

The only positive thing is that I am closer to Chance. I have to admit I don’t have much energy to get up to visit him though. These antibiotics make me feel more fatigued. They taste and smell awful. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy…yet, I have confidence they’ll work. Last night I had an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics – Unasyn. I suspect it has sulfa drugs in it but not sure. All I remember was getting hives and my throat feeling swollen. Pretty scary stuff that brings me to tears when it happens. I should be out of the hospital by Monday morning if these antibiotics work. If they don’t I’m scared to know what is next. The on call doctor today said they’d likely do a CT scan to get a better view of things internally.

PRAYER…
The last few months, but more so the last few weeks, I admit I’ve found myself wondering …”how much do I have to pray?” I feel like I’ve been praying non-stop. I’ve kept the “faith”. I’ve tried to remain “optimistic”. I’ve continued to “believe” things will get better. But now I wonder when. I’ve tried not to “doubt” the plans that are in store for us. I admit the plans still don’t make any sense. I’ve heard people tell me “God won’t give you more than you can handle.”  Really, how much more am I expected to endure – I’ve had to go through more in such a short time than most ever go through in their life. Yes, prayer. All the talks of prayer now make me feel more helpless and bring me to tears…I feel like that’s all I’ve done and here I am feeling more weak and helpless…again. Me and my family are completely worn down. I just want to be home…with my baby. With my kids who miss some normalcy. With my love who is feeling just as drained. You guys can do the praying now…and maybe it’ll work. As for me, I shall rest.