I’ve been home from the hospital for a few hours now and finally finding the energy to update everyone. I send apologies to all of you who have been waiting for a phone call or some type of message of how surgery went today. As you might imagine, today was a whirlwind of a day where Jason found himself having very few in between moments to call anyone once surgery had ended. By the time he arrived home he was out picking up somethings for me to eat and my prescription and not long after he was equally as drained and had talked to very few people. In fact, most people he talked with had called him. So I take the time to reassure you that I’m doing well, considering the circumstances. Other than a lot of intense cramping at times, I am slowly beginning to regain my energy. Thankfully they have me on some good meds to get me past the physical pain these next few days.

278/365: holding my baby boy
After spending quite a bit of time resting, Jaylen awoke from the nap he had taken all afternoon since I had arrived home. It was the first time I had gotten to see him since we left this morning and I was greeted by a huge smile as he pointed to me and said “Maaaaa”. The next few days I’m not allowed to lift, pull, push, etc. anything, not even my own children. This is very hard for me and with Jaylen it’s even tougher because I know he doesn’t really understand exactly what is going on – he just knows he wants his Momma. So I sat down and Jason brought him to me and we cuddled and watched cartoons for a bit. Of course I was quickly abandoned for his desire to devour Oreo cookies.

It doesn’t matter how many children I’ve had or how many miscarriages I’ve endured, the thoughts of going through another miscarriage and another D&C left my nerves very unsettled this morning. And though I know I elected to put myself through this procedure that made me so nervous, I still believe it to be the best option for me and my family to find closure and move past these tough moments. I arrived at the hospital quite shaken with the thoughts of going through surgery and finally letting go of this little one. I was so thankful to have Jason and my dear friend Sasha by my side most of the time before surgery to help keep my mind as distracted as possible. At first I was felt so alone in the preop area wishing for their company. I cried. And cried. But I knew that before they were permitted to come back to the preoperative area the nurses would need to take time prepping me for surgery with all the medical wires and IV to keep me hydrated and medicated. Thankfully the nurses allowed me to listen to my iPod which helped me while I waited for Jason & Sasha’s company. As time passed before they arrived, more tears fell as I mentally began to not only feel so nervous about surgery but continuing to think that in just a short time I would have no choice but to let go of this little one.

278/365: they said all this preop get up they made me wear made me look beautiful

I not only had to wear the hideous hospital gown but I was sporting this super cool head cover, I assume for sanitary reasons during surgery. Leave it to Jason and Sasha both to find a way to make me smile. I was quite emotional when they first arrived but in a few short moments I some how managed to smile through so many distractions that took all these worries from my mind from time to time. I remember Jason asking “what was up” with the head cover they had me sporting and Sasha told me she thought it made me look beautiful. Jason agreed. How could I not smile, knowing really how dorky it made me feel. They said many other funny things about my silly head cover and Jason took out his iPhone to take my 365 photo not knowing if I’d feel up to photos the rest of the day.

Before they had brought me back for the surgery the doctor had met with us and I asked if she’d double check to see if the baby had a heart beat, just like the first time I miscarried and there was no heartbeat. There’s a part of me that still felt so much disbelief and had held out so much hope that maybe just maybe it was all a mistake. But it was not. I don’t remember much at all from surgery. I was awake when they first brought me back to the operating room and I remember feeling so frightened, shivering so intensely, and crying. The nurses all day were so compassionate and caring and I remember just before I was put to sleep that the nurse reassured me telling me she knew how much it hurt but that they would take good care of me.

I woke up after surgery was over and I remember shivering and crying and again feeling so alone, just as I did the first time I had a D&C. In the post-operative area no family is permitted because the medical staff are to ensure the patient is to a point that it’s safe to have family present. I woke up feeling so heart broken realizing that my baby is now gone. Another nurse was beside me the entire time comforting me and holding my hand and reminding me to hold on to hope and how she knew how badly it hurt. As I continued to cry and cry the nurse held me through my tearful moments and though I had wished it was Jason holding me those moments after I had first woke up, I was so thankful someone was there to see me through some of the toughest moments of the day. Thankfully it was only a matter of time before I was reunited with the man who continues to remain my strength.

One of the toughest parts of the day was hearing the nurses tell me over and over again that though they knew how much it hurt to go through this loss that I should feel so reassured that I am able to get pregnant because there are so many who are unable to conceive. I found myself telling every one of them that I too had those same struggles and to be honest, I’m not so sure the thoughts of those challenges are any less emotionally draining. Some of the nurses did not know this wasn’t my first miscarriage and every time it came up that it was my third miscarriage it brought me to tears. The doctor came back to talk to me before surgery and said she would see us in two weeks for a follow up appointment and she knew how much it hurt, especially knowing it was my third miscarriage. She reassured me that we’d talk about where we go next and perhaps our chat with her might give me more hope than I have to try again. Right now I’m still not so sure I can ever go through this again. I keep reminding myself that I am already so blessed with the two I have and why hurt myself more when I have so much love surrounding my children. But I also know how much my family came to long for this little one and I will take the days and weeks ahead slowly, just as slowly as I will take deciding what our future holds. My heart must take the time to heal.

I came to realize after I was in recovery that I was apparently on the same floor where C-Sections were also performed. I remember finally settling my emotions while I waited for Jason to return after surgery and hearing the cry of a newborn baby brought me to tears. Yes, I instantly reconnected with those same feelings of having my own children but also for the longing that I had wished to have with this little one. I cried far more tears knowing that during my times of loss, someone else was experiencing the miracle of life. Once Jason returned to the post operative section we heard another newborn baby born, crying it’s intense cry so full of life. I too cried as Jason comforted me and we both felt those same sad emotions wishing that we were the ones getting ready to cry through the newborn cries rather than through such a terrible loss.

I adored arriving home to seeing my little Hope. When I first arrived home this afternoon I went straight to my room to rest. A short time later she shared with me the flowers and cards we received today that made us all feel so special.

278/365: I love her smile

not feeling so well...

She seemed so fine when I first got home but it seems tonight that she’s managed to come down with something. She had coughed and sniffled on and off a bit today but we assumed it was possibly just allergies or perhaps a small cold. Tonight her coughing turned in to spitting up and then vomiting and running a low grade fever. We’re not quite sure what is going on but it’s come at the worst time. I feel so awful because Jason truly hates dealing with the kids when they’re this sick, it’s something I’ve always done. But now that I’m recovering we both know that these next few days I can’t afford to get sick. So Hope has been quarantined to her room and Jason has asked me to do the same. So I find myself stuck in my room, writing and praying that my family will get through these next few days without too many more challenges.

Thank you all again for all the warm wishes and prayers you’ve sent our way – they’ve truly touched our hearts in a time when our hearts are feeling a little weaker. I hope in the coming days I will find the energy to share much happier moments with my family as we begin to slowly find a way to resume some sense of normalcy.

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October 5, 2009 - 10:48 pm

Mandy - I’m glad to hear that you’re recovering. I also hear that blue head covers are going to be all the rage this fall. :) Just wanted you and your family to know that you’re in my thoughts.

October 5, 2009 - 11:25 pm

joleen - I am glad to see you are recovering but sad to hear hope feels like crap tell jason to give her hugs and kisses from us and tell him to give you some too!love you ! please dont hesitate to call if you need anything even if its an ear to listen to!

October 6, 2009 - 1:53 am

Erica Reynoso Montalvo - Dear Amanda **HUGS**
I am so so sorry for your loss.
My heart aches for you and for Jason and for your family. I love you and wish I could help you bear this burden. **HUGS** -Erica

October 6, 2009 - 6:31 am

Jenny - anything you need call me j

October 6, 2009 - 8:28 am

kristy pennino - i have happy thoughts when i hear that you have such devoted friends and family members who are by your side to help you recover mentally and physically from such a tragic series of events. BIG thanks to sasha and jason for taking care of our amanda!!

of course, you can call me any time you need anything, too! :-)

lots of hugs.

October 6, 2009 - 1:02 pm

Lorena - Amanda, so sorry to hear all this. I didn’t even know you were at the hospital. That little one is in Heaven!!
I’m glad you are recovering from all this. God bless

October 14, 2009 - 4:54 pm

DeDee(Harris) Courts - I had no idea you were going through any of this. I don’t do a good job keeping up with people, I just happened to see “Update” on FB…which I rarely frequent.
I just wanted to let you know you and your family have prayers going up from me.
Take care, rest well, and let God handle the rest.

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