In the arms of an Angel

I find myself awake once again in the midst of the night while most others are resting and while I’m left just a few hours before surgery wondering so much still. There’s a part of me that feels as though this is some awful dream that I just wish I’d wake up from. A part of me wishes this was some big mistake and that when we arrive at the hospital that they send us home and tell us everything will be okay and that this baby will still arrive in my arms next May. But it will not. Though I know that there is nothing I could do to save this little one from escaping this world to soon find itself in the arms of an angel.

Searching for Strength
As I continue to ask myself “Why?” so much this weekend I continue to be reassured by so many of you how I must try to search for the light somewhere at the end of this long long road ahead. You all have helped so much reassuring me in so many ways and continuing to tell me over and over that these emotions I have been feeling are merely moments of weakness leaving me. I find myself more tearful at times knowing just how many think of me as “strong” and I still have a tough time accepting this loss knowing that no matter how strong I remain, there was nothing i could do to prevent this from happening. I continue to wonder why God allows one person…one family…to hurt so much. Lord knows we are strong but no one should have to endure this much pain.

The overwhelming emotions
As I write and write and write my way through so many emotions I have experienced, I realize so many of you probably think I’m a little crazy for sharing so many personal emotions. However, for me the words that flow through my mind that I find it within myself to type have somehow help heal this heart of mine these last few days. I realize there may be some that have a tough time understanding why this has once again come to hurt me so much. You’d think God would leave me feeling invincibility from such pain after being through it two times before and after being now blessed with two beautiful children. But what I’m sure some may never realize is that the moment a person learns they are expecting a child an amazing bond is created so early in pregnancy that even a loss this soon after conception is especially challenging for any parent. Even after having two children, this loss still is no easier than the times before. I remember those first few weeks that I had suspected and then learned I was pregnant that I tried so hard not to cling too closely to all the motherly feelings and hopes that begin so early in pregnancy in fears that this might happen. But it’s tough not to allow such a strong bond to happen. I had come to hope for so many moments of joy, just as I had remembered experiencing with my two children before. But I’m now reminded that never will I get the opportunity to hear this child’s heartbeat, feel it kick, or see it’s sweet face. Never will the day come that my family will see it live through so many memorable first moments. Never will my children have this little one to call their brother or sister.

It’s time for heaven, my love.
As unfair as I feel this loss is, I continue to try to find peace knowing not only how much this little one is loved by so many but that we have so many special people waiting in heaven to hold this child of mine. I find my self confronted with the realization that in just a few short hours I will be put to sleep to go through surgery so that we may terminate this pregnancy that is no longer viable. With this thought comes the understanding that I will soon awake, feeling empty hearted and hurt both physically and emotionally. And though I know I will awake from surgery feeling the same pain I have in the past, feeling as though someone has ripped my own child I have come to love so much from within, I have reminded myself these last few days that soon this baby will be on it’s way to heaven to be alongside all the other special people in our lives that have been taken from us and that it will be protected from experiencing all the hurt this world can bring.

Before I step away from this computer in a few moments I share the words to one of the few songs that has helped keep me calm and find peace these last few days. And as you read the words, or choose to listen to the song, I hope it reminds you all that somehow my family will pull through these moments. Thank you all again for you continued warm wishes and prayers – it means so much to know how much you call care.

“Angel” by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There’s vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don’t make no difference
Escaping one last time
It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here