I find myself so thankful that this weekend is nearing an end and that soon we may move past these moments that I would prefer to erase from my memory. The one thing that has helped this weekend is all the support from everyone, but mostly from my immediate family. Yesterday Hope brought me this little note she said she had made in her reading class earlier in the week. It helped remind me how much this little girl of mine adores me.
I’ve felt so fortunate to have Jason continue to give me so much support. He’s let me do very little this weekend, asking that I continue to rest and reassuring me that he’ll take care of everything else. It’s tough for me because I know just how much he too is hurting inside, but he remains that strength I need to see me through all of this. He’s allowed me the space to reflect, rest and cope these last few days. Today when Jaylen awoke from his nap crying it was instinctual for me to go into grab my baby boy and comfort him, but Jason insisted he’d take care of him. Seeing these two together just warmed my heart, knowing that I have two beautiful children who have an amazing father that has done so much to hold this family together during these tough times.
MY LITTLE PANDA
I awoke from my afternoon nap to find Hope making a panda bear mask. Many of you may be aware, but for those who aren’t panda’s hold a very special connection to my family. Though I remember growing up being teased because “panda” rhymed with my name, it wasn’t until I was much older when some of my closest friends and family helped remind me how pandas would grow to be something I hold so close to my heart. Now after all my troubles conceiving and miscarrying over the years I sometimes wonder if maybe I really am part panda, because that’s definitely something I have in common with them.
Luck is definitely something I haven’t had on my side lately. Some of you have heard how I had learned pottery barn kids had panda costumes for both the kids. The kids and I have been so excited and agreed I’d have some super cute panda bears for halloween. Originally Hope had considered being a skeleton but after learning of the panda bear costume she said that was what she wanted to be. Jason and Hope have come to really enjoy picking out her costume these last few years, where it’s not uncommon to hear she has super scary ideas for costumes. So it was tough to convince Jason at first that my two babies shouldn’t be something scary, but instead be something cute and definitely special to me. Hope even came up with the idea to be a skeleton panda. Finally by mid-week I decided that that’s what we’d do – order the costumes and buy skeleton t-shirts that if the costumes got too hot for our Florida weather they’d be able to shed the costume and be cute little skeletons. I had been feeling so awful all week and figured I’d wait till the weekend when I had time to take their measurements. Now I regret not buying them earlier because they no longer have Hope’s size. I even called Pottery Barn Kids today to see if maybe one of the stores had it with no luck. So I guess I’ll just have one cute panda bear this year to take out trick-or-treating likely alongside a super cool skeleton.
Realizing that sometimes things are a little too good to be true
The last few weeks I must admit that I’ve been in disbelief to learn I was pregnant. Though we had made the decision to have another little one before getting pregnant, it has NEVER happened so easily for us. Both of our children are a result of about three years of trying for each of them, encountering two miscarriages prior to Hope. I felt so relieved that I wouldn’t have live through the equally challenging moments of just trying to conceive but I remember thinking when I first tested positive for being pregnant a few weeks ago that it just seemed too good to be true. Now I know it is. And I still find myself filled with so much uncertainty of whether or not I can endure this another time, not that we don’t still long for another child, but we fear putting our family through this ever again.
Most of today my emotions have settled as I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting and trying to mentally prepare myself for surgery. I know somehow I will find a way to see myself through the challenging moments ahead. I’m still not sure how, but I will.
by Amanda Kern
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