“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” -Dale Carnegie
I suppose right about now “hope” is probably the most important thing for me to have as I face the waiting game along with the many challenges we’re likely to face for weeks and months to come. I have to admit that by last night I was completely overwhelmed with all the news I had learned yesterday and still very scared. So much so that in the last 40 hours I’ve only slept 2.5 hours and yesterday was only the second day this year that time escaped me before I was able to take the kids 365 photos. I suppose I’ve come to accept lately that I’m far from perfect.
I ended up not finally laying down to rest until nearly 530 this morning, definitely very overwhelmed with thoughts and fears. I awoke just before 8am to hear Jason talking to my doctor. It was reassuring to hear the spirit in his voice as he chatted with the doctor about the results of yesterday’s labwork. The good news so far is that my test results show that my HCG levels are finally making their way down. They went from 900 Monday to 198 Wednesday. I think that might be more than the doctor had expected them to lower. So right now we must continue to pray my body continues to rid itself of the remaining tissue and HCG pregnancy hormone. If it doesn’t show signs of dropping to zero in the next week or two or if the bleeding gets more severe I will have to take that medicine that I am so fearful of. So I just pray my body can remain strong enough to make it through the next week to get this pregnancy over with.
The last day really has been a lot tougher, despite this good news. Thankfully the bleeding hasn’t gotten too severe, but it has frightened me at times as it’s been accompanied by very intense cramping all last night and today. It’s gradually gotten worse throughout the day, so much so that it even brought me to tears from the pain this afternoon. Unfortunately I have been stubborn and waited too long to call the doctor knowing I likely could use some type of pain relief because not even motrin is helping alleviate the discomfort. I’ve been thankful that my super friend Sasha lent me a heating pad. It’s helped a bit this afternoon and evening but even now as I type this blog entry I find myself squirming around at times with cramping so intense that it is felt all the way through to my back. For those who have had children I definitely relate it to the same as labor pains or the cramping the first two days after having a child, except there’s no epidural for the relief. I almost feel as though it’s more intense than what I remember from those pains having both kids.
THANKFUL FOR DEAR FRIENDS
“A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget…” -author unknown
Today was the first time since Monday I had the chance to speak to my friend Sasha who’s been a huge help and reassuring presence for my family these last few weeks. She was there Monday to help with the kids when we had to rush to the doctor and then into surgery, putting my own family before her own daily priorities. I continue to tell myself that though I have come to know many people over the years, I look back and find that I only have a very few close special friends and they always seem to arrive in life when you least expect them to and when you need them most. It’s certainly the case with this dear friend of mine who I find it hard to believe we’ve known one another nearly five years now.
This morning I got to chat with Sasha and felt comforted by the reassurance, just as many of you have given by email and my blog. I felt so special to have a friend who knew just how trying these last few weeks have been, but even more so the last few days and who knew just how important a brief distraction was for me. I admit that after Monday’s scare I’m fearful to leave my house until I’m fully cleared medically, but in the company of Jason or very close friends like Sasha I do feel more reassured to escape my home briefly like I did today for lunch at El Cerro with my dear friend. It was great to finally catch up and to feel reassured knowing how much many of my friends do care that I recover from this crazy mess I’ve been going through. Over the last year starting my 365 photo project I have reflected, just as I have with many others close to me, realizing that I have very few photos of me with some of my dearest friends. In fact, if my memory serves correctly I think I maybe have 2 or 3 photos of us together. So today I did what I likely should have done every special day I’ve gotten to spend time with my dear friend, I took a photo…even as horrible as I felt and as reluctant as we both were knowing neither of us were in much of a “photogenic” mood. Regardless, of how hideous the photo might be I look back at it now and thank my dear friend for I am reminded of the times I had today where my mind was put at ease a bit from all the overwhelming thoughts that have been running through my mind. So thank you Sasha for the company today – it meant the world to me. Hopefully you don’t curse me for sharing this cruddy, yet memorable photo from today. I just know years from now I’ll be thankful I took it.
REALIZING HOW BLESSED WE ARE
I have to admit that in the last day one of the big thoughts that has crossed my mind is realizing just how blessed Jason and I are to have Hope and Jaylen. It’s tough to really put into words how truly overwhelmed I am to learn of the recent medical concerns but since talking to the doctor yesterday I keep thinking to myself that though I already felt blessed before, I really truly feel blessed now knowing that all these concerns mean that it was truly a miracle that both my babies arrived in my arms completely healthy. I’m not sure if we’ll ever have the courage to consider having another child because of all the fears we’re now facing but if we end up with just these two amazing children we will always be reminded just how blessed we are. As I was feeling quite a bit of discomfort and fatigue, yet still unable to sleep this afternoon, I called Hope into the room where I was laying down trying to rest and asked her to take her 365 photo with me. Yes, another crummy yet memorable 365 iphone moment reminding myself of my first little blessing.
MY PHOTOGRAPHY LOGO & WEB SITE!
“Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.” – Pope John XXIII
So many of you have heard little bits and pieces of all the goals I have with my photography these last few months. I have to admit that amidst the turmoil I find myself in with my personal issues, I haven’t once let it drive away my motivation and drive to enjoy life and be just as successful in my career teaching, my education at SCAD or my photography goals. I find myself in recent weeks fearing so much, but not allowing myself to even begin to give myself a reason to give up on anything I have set forth to succeed in. In fact, I am confident that through these tough times that keeping my mind occupied with things such as work, school and photography will be an amazing way for me to cope through all the overwhelming thoughts that come with miscarrying and all the medical concerns I now have. I realize I have a lot to remain cautious about, but I refuse to give up merely because the recent events have really brought me back down to reality. So as I continue to fear so much I also hope and dream for so much. I refuse to allow all the frustrations and fears to control all the things I know that are possible for me moving forward.
So I am pleased to first announce my decision on my logo for me and my photography business. I once again thank the talented award winning designer, Valencia alumni, Daissy Linares, for her amazing efforts on conceptualizing my current logo. So here it is, concept number three.
Now I must thank all of you who took time to participate in my logo survey. Your feedback and votes were greatly appreciated and the input was definitely valued. I elected to go NOT with the majority of you who were debating between logo #4 and 5. For me as much as I loved all the concepts Daissy presented, I liked #4 least to me it felt a little too much like a hallmark or american greeting/carlton cards style logo. I want to make it very clear that though I move forward with my photography interests, photography is merely one of many things I intend to stay involved in moving forward. I teach. I design. And I won’t be surprised in time if I revisit the idea of writing a book again. I wouldn’t be surprised if someday I spoke at events or taught workshops design or photography related at conferences. I obviously will continue to write through my blog as well. So to me this logo must be versatile enough to represent me and all the endeavors I will likely pursue in the months and years to come. I am an opportunist when it comes to the things I am most passionate about and I while chosing my logo I had to ensure it would represent me and not just my photography.
I was definitely debating between logo #3 and 5. I nearly did go with #5 because it is definitely representative of a style I love that I feel is “me”. But for me, it is so similar to the signature/name style so many photographers have as their identity. Though I’m sure it’s more memorable to some of you for a photographer – I want to make sure my logo is both memorable and unique – it must stand out in a crowd. I know a few of you expressed concerns about the visual relationships in logo #3, for me that actually drew me more to the boldness this logo represents. In fact, one of the big factors for me is I truly find it to have the unique qualities for it to be remembered but also believing it to have the potential to gain design recognition for the strength of the icon design.
This evening I also share with you all something that has been a long time in the works, my official photography web site. I’ve kept this project quiet in recent months so that I could surprise you all with that really strong presence I felt I needed moving forward as I now begin this journey to running my own photography business. These last two years I’ve done a lot of probono work to build my portfolio to what you will see in my portfolio and have always hesitated to pursue my photography professionally knowing I would feel most confident if my company brand and online portfolio were able to fully represent the quality of my photography. So here it is, the launch of my official photography web site.
I want to remind you all that I also have a facebook fan page that you are welcome to join if you are interested in my photography. In the coming weeks and months you can expect to see me share some of my work through my blog and through my facebook fan page. If you are interested in my photography, especially before the holidays, NOW is the time to contact me to let me know you’re interested. I will be taking on only a limited number of photo sessions in the next month and a half before holidays so if it interests you contact me through my web site and I will send you more information. If you know others who might be interested in my photography please feel free to share the link to my web site and fan page. I’m anxious to spread the word so you all may enjoy my photography endeavors which I’m convinced will continue to fuel my energy and creativity after all has happened this past month.
So let me know what you all think of my site. I admit despite the recent uplifting things going on with work, school and my photography I still remain quite concerned with all that’s been going on, but I have to say that having distractions like these are just going to help me get through these tough moments.
by Amanda Kern
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