Yes, this news seems like a miracle after all we’ve been through. We feel very blessed to inform you all that our family is once again expecting our third little one. We found out this past weekend that many months after our last miscarriage that finally I am pregnant again. I admit I began to think the day would never come and at times began to think giving up would be better for me emotionally than trying month after month and feeling just as heartbroken as I did in October. But this past week I’ve been reassured that miracles just take a little longer sometimes. We continue to hope God’s protecting us and this little one that’s on the way.

Today we went to my first OB appointment and it’s still too early to share anything more than the news that I am pregnant. This morning at my appointment the nurse confirmed how many times I’ve been pregnant as she did she sighed saying “You’ve been pregnant…six….times, correct?” It took so much to hold the tears back realizing that I now face this hurdle again where looking at the numbers I fear the odds are against us but I’ve dug down deep to try to remain strong and think so optimistically this time. Since finding out the news this weekend we’ve sat here debating the last few days when exactly we’d share this news. Given the fact that I have miscarried 3 out of the 5 previous times I was pregnant I think it’s obvious why we usually elect to hesitate to share this news. Though we’ve been to the doctor we have  yet to hear a heartbeat and we’re obviously just as nervous as we are excited. We decided to share this news now because we know so many of you have been just as anxiously awaiting to hear this news. There hasn’t been a day that has passed since October that I haven’t thought about our loss or the hope our family has to someday welcome another little one into this world. I recall the first few times being pregnant years ago feeling like I should hide the news until we heard the heartbeat and have learned it has only hurt us more. Many feel as though we should keep the news secret but I honestly only think it’ll make these next few weeks harder on me trying to hide the fact that I am pregnant. We have embraced this pregnancy fully and know that if anything happens you all will find out either way and continue to be there offering so much reassurance to my family.

Okay, tell us when you’re going to have that baby?
We’re still not 100% certain of the due date but after my first OB appointment today the doctor believes I’m about six weeks along. If this is correct and everything goes as planned the baby would be born sometime in March 2011.

How did your doctor’s appointment go?
Everyone from the moment I entered the doctor’s office was amazing. I’m fairly certain everyone recognized my name or recognized me passing through the office. The nurses that had seen me before were quite excited to see I had OB papers in hand and everyone offered us the warmest wishes for a healthy pregnancy. The doctor offered reassurance and said thus far there is no reason to worry. Easier said than done, but overall the appointment went well. It’s still too early to detect a heartbeat without an ultrasound. Because there are no immediate concerns with this pregnancy thus far we will have to wait a few days before our first ultrasound next Monday afternoon. Hopefully by then we’ll have a more firm due date. I know seeing a heartbeat would help me rest a little easier.

Do the kids know?
Yes, we told the kids yesterday. Jaylen is still a bit too young to understand but Hope knew right away when Jason sat down and talked to her. She’s very excited but I obviously worry how much she may worry about me and the baby. She’s told me a few times since October that she never wants “that” (meaning the miscarriage) to happen to me ever again. I adore her sweet spirit and loving support. I just pray that my body is strong enough to protect this little one through the months ahead because I don’t want my family to relive last October ever again.

How are you feeling?
The last few weeks I’ve been feeling very fatigued and have had very little energy. Beyond working, taking Jaylen to his swim lessons, and a few times doing photography I have felt like I’ve been hibernating…yes, like a bear. I’ve had quite a few crampy growing pains these last few weeks that I can officially attribute to this pregnancy. They worry me so much but the doctor said they are perfectly normal, especially after being pregnant this many times. This past weekend I began feeling very nauseous and every day the nausea has progressively gotten worse where I find myself throughout the day feeling so sick. I’ve stocked up on saltines and toast has helped curb the nausea at times. Eating lots of small meals seems to make the days go a little smoother. I’ve had a few low grade fevers and chills since the weekend. The doctor said it’s very normal during the first trimester and it’s likely my body adjusting to the many changes going on right now.

For the last couple of months as I’ve continued to cope with the emotions caused by the miscarriage this past October and since have clung to the words of this poem. I realize that things are out of my hands now and we just need to believe. So I leave you all with the words of this poem that has echo’d in my head these last few months and looking back has now given me a renewed sense of hope but has also helped remind me that I will never forget the little ones I have lost over the years.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won’t soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

I thank you all now, knowing I can feel the love and support you all are sending our way.

Her game was pretty early so it just added to the excitement for me to have a misty/dew look to the field as I watched my baby girl practice before the game.

Yes, I know…she’s a brave. Our family full of cubs fans will still love her knowing we had no choice in her team’s name. She made it very clear to me this morning that she didn’t like her uniform because it wasn’t cubs gear. I still think she looks super cute sporting a braves uniform!

While Hope and her team were warming up, Jason and Jaylen were hanging out in the bleachers. Jaylen had fun playing with his cars for a while. Thankfully Jason was there to hang out with my baby boy while I was busy taking photos of my baby girl.

Hope was super excited about her first game but I truly think Jason was so much more excited. He loves baseball so much so that he volunteered last fall to begin umpiring with the little league. He’s since become the head Umpire for our little league so if he’s not working he seems to be at the little league field. He was so proud of his little girl today.

Hope got to play second base in her first game. It was awesome to see how into playing the position she was. It’s amazing how much she’s matured since her days of playing t-ball. I remember back then most of the kids, including Hope, would play in the dirt. Hope was definitely a focused second baseman!

I took a ton of photos today of Hope’s entire team. I imagine by now Hope is use to her “momarazzi” following her around to capture some priceless moments but she’s getting to the age that I can sense she may not allow me to take as many pictures of her. I still ask her to cooperate at times, like in this photo.

Midway into Hope’s game Jaylen got restless. It was a good indicator for me to take a break with my little man instead of taking pictures. Most of the game he was very observant of the game. For now I’m sure he’ll continue to take it all in but something tells me he will be interested in playing “ball” before long.

Hope did awesome batting today. She looked like a pro. As I was taking pictures in the opposing team’s dugout the coaches and parents kept saying she had such awesome form for her age. She ended up getting 2 hits and scoring 2 runs!

I don’t think they ever kept score, so I’m not quite sure who won. Because of her age Hope is in the “rookie” league which is considered an instructional league so rather than getting overtly competitive she’s learning the skills she needs to know to play softball. More importantly she had fun which was exciting for us to see. Something tells me that years from now we’ll end up with many memories of our little ones at the little league field. Hope you all enjoyed seeing a few photos from Hope’s 1st game — it was definitely a memorable one!

We took a little afternoon trip to Bok Tower this weekend. It’s only our second time visiting, but it still remains one of our favorite places in central Florida to visit. It’s not just an amazing place to visit but it’s a dream location for doing photography so Jason and I headed out there with the kids. Because I’ve been to Bok Tower before and the tower was being renovated the day we visited, I didn’t take many photos of location. Of course I was happy to finally be on a little bit of a break and anxious to do something I haven’t done enough of lately: take lots of photos of the kids. Because of how busy Jason and I have both been with work and how much I’ve been trying to get caught up with my coursework at SCAD, it’s the first weekend since our trip to Jacksonville in January that we have really been able to have some fun as a family. I enjoyed watching the kids having so much fun alongside their daddy. I managed to sneak a quick distant shot of Jason and Hope goofing around.

Yes, my kids are just as guilty as all the other children I’ve photographed over the years of letting me know when they don’t really wish to take photos. I could tell early on that my camera wouldn’t be capturing as many picture perfect moments as I had hoped…it was just too much more fun to just play. Jaylen was quick to tell me to “stop” taking pictures.

I rarely completely stop taking pictures though. As we walked around Bok Tower I walked right into the most classic photo…Jaylen being a typical little boy. Yes, he may hate me years from now for this photo but to me it’s priceless.

I found the best photos of the kids today were with their backs turned towards me. As Jason and I were letting the kids play we looked over and this is what I saw…

Yes, could an unstaged moment be any more perfect? I didn’t bother them, but I got closer and took a couple more photos in a matter of seconds…thankfully I did because a moment after the next two photos were taken they got up and ran off to play more.

While I was out taking more photos the kids continued to play. I just adore seeing the bond these two have with one another. Hope’s one strong big sister giving her little brother a piggy back ride. Jaylen loves to play along – he doesn’t mind Hope carrying him these days. I’m not quite sure how much longer this will last because he’s growing fast so I imagine years from now this photo will be another memorable candid moment that I am glad I took.

Hope you all enjoyed seeing a few candid moments with the kids. Before my break ends I have a bunch more awesome photos to finish editing that I can’t wait for you all to see soon!

It still does not feel like Christmas for us this year. Rarely are there years that pass by that our Christmas tree isn’t up the day after Thanksgiving, or that the outside of our home isn’t lit up with holiday decorations, or that I’m not out in October doing holiday shopping – that is until this year. This is the first year since the kids were born that we’ve had a tough time believing it’s Christmas time or celebrating the holidays. Now that all I hear on the radio is holiday music it’s tough not to realize it really is Christmas time and I suppose I find the Faith Hill song “Where are you Christmas?” continues to repeat in my head. I suppose after all that’s happened this year it’s a little tougher to accept that it’s time to celebrate the holidays, the time has definitely come far before we’re ready.

The holidays are normally my favorite time of year where it’s time to open our hearts and share our kind spirits with all those who have touched our lives. Since we had the kids I have to admit that the holidays have typically been that much more exciting, especially seeing how excited the children get. One thing we’ve done every year since Hope’s been able to write is write a letter to Santa. She’s at the age where she has listed just about everything she’s seen on a commercial but I’ve got to admire that though she has many toys listed she’s has such a huge heart and is quickly beginning to understand that Christmastime isn’t just about Santa bringing lots of toys. I thought you all would enjoy seeing Hope’s letter to Santa. Because her brother is too young to write his own letter she added him to her letter too. And rather than mailing it right away, I held onto it for a few days and she continued to add to the letter as the days passed.

Yes, the letter tears at my heartstrings. Out of all the things she has listed, she made sure to include “a baby sister”. When she was making the list she was watching Charlie Brown’s holiday special so she originally wanted to name a baby sister Lucy and then she changed her mind and eventually ended up with Cheyenne, the name of one of her friends from school. A few times we’ve been out and people have asked her what she wanted for Christmas and that’s always the first thing she tells everyone.

I suppose this time of year really isn’t about letters to Santa, receiving or giving gifts. As the holidays approach us it reminds me of the real reason for Christmas. I don’t claim to be the most religious person in the world, but this year more than any year before I find myself reminded that we’re celebrating the birth of Jesus…yes just like my own children, he was a miracle too. As tough as this year has been I keep reminding myself just how bless we are. But I have to admit that it’s tough not to think about how if I hadn’t have miscarried in October that this would have been the first Christmas I would have been pregnant. Or how by the time Christmas arrives that I would have been around 19 weeks along. Yes, it’s tough not to miss the little one I would have had this year. And it’s tough not to imagine how different life might have been if things had worked out like we had hoped.

Yes, I’m still wondering how Santa is going to bring my baby girl a baby sister and a bigger house with stairs. Heck, even a clean house would be nice this year. Dear Santa, are you listening?

Finally, it’s time that I present you all with the 2009 Kern family holiday cards. For our friends and family or those who’ve been following me you all will recall that since 2006 Hope and I have put a lot of work into making sure we made memorable holiday cards to send out to everyone. (check out our 2006 cards, 2007 cards, 2008 cards) This year after we designed our cards I had them professionally printed on Pearl paper with a UV coating. Most of our cards are already in the mail, but we thought we’d share a few photos because we know we’ve likely missed sending them out to a few of you. Hope and I were so excited to finally receive our cards a little over a week ago – here we were just after we received them:

Hope has helped me design our cards every year, however, this was the first year that she didn’t design the cover. She’s getting to the age where it’s a little tougher to get her full cooperation and the ideas she had just weren’t working for what I had in mind. As the days passed I finally came up with the concept to do a completely typographic front of our card – which was definitely a little too complex for Hope to create. I used words from the letter written to Virginia in “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus” as my inspiration and pulled several key words and phrases to fit into my card. This included one of the most powerful messages, “Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind”. The word “believe” really stood out in my mind these last few weeks as I came up with the ideas for the front of my cards and so the message “Angels Believe that Miracles will happen.” became the theme that I hoped everyone would see as they admired the typographic cover that was completely rendered by hand. And yes, it was only fitting that I put “hope” at the top of the tree – as far as I’m concerned it’s the most important thing for us all to have these days.

Here’s Hope admiring the inside of our trifold card.

Yes, I made sure to save myself the work of having photos printed separately – instead I had them designed right into the card. Here are a few of the photos if you didn’t get to see them yet.

Here’s our family photo taken by Hope. (see her holding the remote?)

Here’s the inside center of the card that was made by Hope, though each of us signed our names. Jaylen even scribbled a little something for our card this year! It’s becoming a tradition that Hope illustrates our family – this year she made sure to draw Jason wearing a cubs shirt, me with a camera, she was holding a picture and she thought it was funny to draw her baby brother crying. The inside continued with my theme for our cards with the saying “May the holidays remind you of life’s little blessings.” This year more than any year before I am reminded of how blessed I am…I have two little ones that I’m now absolutely convinced are miracles.

Here are my two little blessings.

Because it was a trifold card we had lots of room for photos and writing. Here’s Hope admiring another part of the card.

Yes, that’s one of my favorite pictures of Hope & Jaylen and on the Pearl paper the photo looked pretty sweet. Here’s that photo of them looking so stinkin’ cute.

Of course we made sure to personalize the back of our card too so that everyone knew all the hard work my baby girl put into this card. She drew a picture of herself as a superhero and wrote her name in curly decorative letters.

We hope you all enjoy this little peak at this year’s holiday cards. And really, if any of you have a connection with the big man please let him know that if he can’t make things happen this year, maybe by next year he’ll have a enough time to make miracles happen.

We hope you all have a memorable Holiday season…may you all be blessed with the the best life has to offer.

Today was also my weekly appointment with the doctor. It’s always unpredictable how long we’ll wait, regardless of whether or not we have an appointment. Last week we had no appointment and were seen in next to no time. Some days, like today we have to wait longer. It all really depends upon how busy of a day the doctor is having I suppose. Today we waited over an hour. I can’t really say I enjoy waiting, but since all this has happened I’ve come to truly respect how much our doctors have done to see us through these events. They’ve made sure to see us when it’s needed and even when we do wait I have come to not mind it so much myself because the doctors are always so thorough and truly caring when it comes to making sure all my health concerns are addressed.

I dare you to take a guess at who got tired of waiting first!?

Yes, I bring a camera, everywhere, even the doctor’s office. Okay, just my silly iPhone but still enough to help me capture little moments like yet another visit to the doctor. The great news is that my HCG levels are now at 15 as of last week’s lab test (the last results during my hospital stay were 91). So they’re going in the right direction and now we just waiting for them to completely level out to zero, which hopefully will be in the next week or so. So we’ll be meeting with the doctor again next week with our fingers crossed. After my levels go to zero we’ll discuss when we’re ready to proceed with all these other concerns we’ve learned about this potential uterus condition I may have. The doctor was super telling me she knew how much we have been through and though it is a concern she wanted to make sure we knew that it was okay to take a little time before moving forward.  Right now I’m just anxious to hear that the HCG levels are at zero so I can begin to feel a complete sense of closure that this pregnancy has completely ended.

SHARING ALL THESE MOMENTS THROUGH THIS MISCARRIAGE
I have to admit that over a month ago I really hesitated before I decided to write so many personal moments on my blog regarding this miscarriage. I’ve always felt as though writing has almost been a way for me to make it through many tough moments in life. For me initially the decision was partly a way for me to cope through this loss but also to help update all those who I know truly care for me and my family. We’ve come to know so many people over the years and to be honest, it’s just so tough for us to stay in constant communication with everyone individually, especially after a loss like this. Though I admit I was slightly concerned to have so many personal moments publicly visible for the world to see, I have come to realize that this miscarriage and all the events that have followed it are nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, I almost feel as though it’s more important that I am willing to somehow express all the things that have happened not just for me, or for those I care about – but also for all those that may someday go through similar experiences. Maybe somehow I can help others that may be hurting so badly through the same type of loss I’ve experienced. I’m the one who’s experienced years of difficulties conceiving. I’m the one who’s now had three miscarriages. And I’m now the one who’s had 4 D&C’s – 3 of which were a result of this 3rd miscarriage. So I suppose I hope that in turn I may help others who may some day go through similar struggles. I’ve already been told my story has helped others understand or relate to this type of loss if they or others have miscarried.

Because of all this I wanted to make sure all of the blog postings I have written this past month and those that will follow that relate to this miscarriage are accessible from one central location. I have created a new page called “my miscarriage experiences” that you can now access these a little easier. And though I initially was hesitant to write so much publicly, I’ve now come to realize that this has helped me and will likely help many others. So I welcome you all to share that link if you feel it may help someone else struggling with a similar experience if you think it will help.

A FEW MOMENTS WITH THE KIDS
My parents are in town visiting. The kids are having a blast with them. Last night Jaylen was being super cute and shy but finally opened up a bit while I was taking a few pictures. Today he got a haircut so this is one of the last photos of him before his new haircut.

I took him in to get his haircut and Jason asked that I get his haircut much shorter. We were both in the military so short hair certainly is preferred usually. Jaylen’s hair is still growing from his baby days and so on the sides there were still super short spots that just seemed to grow awkwardly so we went with a much shorter hair cut. When I asked the guy who usually cuts his hair he seemed a little surprised after how emotional I was after his first haircut. When I mentioned we  were in the military before he said, “so you’re ready to go commando with his new haircut”. It was Jaylen’s first time having his hair cut with clippers. He was far from “commando” – he was actually a little scared.

Of course later in the day he was much cuter. Like when he was jumping to his Papa over and over and over again.

Or when he was pretending he was a cookie monster.

Or when he was screaming with his big sis. Boy does he seem so much older today.

It seems like the kids have grown so much this past month, heck, just in a day they seem so much older. Here’s my Hope – she’s growing just as fast as her brother.

So gradually we’re all returning to a bit of normalcy. One thing is for sure – things can’t get much worse than they have been …so we’re praying November continues to have nothing but awesome things ahead for us all.

BACK AT CREALDE
We began the morning with Hope beginning another class at Crealde. She just began a story telling through cartooning course where the kids learn more about character development and illustration as well as concepts important in storytelling for things such as cartoons or comic books. It was her first class at the Heritage Center and she seemed to really enjoy it. It’s the most enthusiastic I’ve ever seen her after picking her up on a first day of class. She was anxious to show me the halloween spirited character she drew. The kids got to make the illustration in a way that it would seem as though the eyes would follow you no matter where you viewed it. So she was very excited to show me how spooky her drawing was.

THE AFTERNOON WITH RAVEN
Erik & Amanda asked for a bit of help with my niece Raven this afternoon so we stopped by to pick her up and the kids and I enjoyed babysitting. Of course I couldn’t go the afternoon without taking just a few (okay a lot) of photos. Below are just a couple of my favorites. As you can see in these photos Raven’s personality is beginning to shine through more and more every day. At nearly five months old she’s already becoming a pro at making a silly face for my camera!

I really enjoyed seeing the kids together today. Jaylen was cute on the ride home. As Raven cried today he would make his “shhhh” motion. He was also attempting to give her a pacifier a time or two. He and Hope had fun trying to entertain her with toys. Hope of course was very eager to hold her, feed her and even change her diaper. She insisted on changing her diaper today, so I allowed her and she did a fine job at it! She asked me today how much longer she’d have to wait before she could babysit. I told her maybe when she’s thirteen and she did the math and realized that’s over five years away and she was sure to tell me that babysitting wasn’t too much work for an eight year old. Thankfully she understood that for now she’ll just have to continue to be a big helper rather than a baby sitter.

Of course I snuck a few photos of the kids together.

Two of my favorites of the three kids were taken on my iPhone. Yes, as you can see Raven is becoming very active. It won’t be long and her and the kids will be wrestling and running around the house together.

HALLOWEEN 2009
The afternoon passed quickly and I found myself scrambling to get the kids ready for Halloween. We decided to try out Jaylen’s panda costume again to see how he’d tolerate it. After acting silly with the panda head piece he finally showed interest in wearing it and was actually quite cute.

As much as we liked the panda costume, sadly he never wore it again the rest of the night. By the time we began trick or treating with the kids he had fallen asleep so half the evening this was more like what he looked like, sound asleep in our wagon.

So perhaps he might still fit into the costume to be a panda next year. If not, that costume will definitely be one we keep for years to come. Who knows, perhaps someday there might be another little panda that’ll join our family in the years to come.

Hope decided this year that she’d dress up as a punk skull rocker. She definitely looked super cool with a tattoo and all.

This was the first year Erik & Amanda joined us trick or treating. It was nice to have them and Raven tag along for a bit this evening. Much like her cousin, Raven was also a skeleton, joined by her parents who were ideal hippies. One thing’s for sure, I think we all agree that Erik could have totally lived in the 70s after seeing him dress the part!

For the 4th year in a row, we joined my friend Sasha’s family to go trick or treating. It’s become almost like a tradition going around the neighborhood trick or treating with the kids together. To be honest, it’s tough to think of Halloween any other way than with all the kids together.  The big kids were very proud of their costumes!

As we waited for the sun to set I found myself admiring my baby girl who is now nearly eight. I remember when she was a baby wondering how long it’d be before she really had lots of fun during Halloween. The last few years have been great seeing how enthusiastic she is to dress up and go out trick or treating. This was definitely a very memorable Halloween with my little girl who’s continuing to grow up so fast.

So here we are, thankful for some great memories on this final day of October. But yes, we’re still very happy to say goodbye to this month that has brought so many memories that we’re anxious to move past. Here’s to hoping for a bit better luck in November and the months to come.

Hope you all had a Happy Halloween!

Today I returned home from my weekend stay at the hospital. As my spirits are lifted finally able to write to update you all from the comfort of my own home, I share with you all a little from my last day in the hospital and the wonderful memories as I returned home today. Just a few more little things to mention about my time in the hospital.

• Last night was by far the most challenging. I’m convinced that being on 3 antibiotics, estrogen supplements, darvocet, motrin, and zofran finally took it’s toll on me. At times I became very nauseated, dizzy, and lightheaded. It really truly scared me last night – to the point I even called the nurse very concerned. Thankfully I manged to get some rest, though not as much as I probably should have.
• I’m convinced the medicine definitely influenced so many dreams over the weekend. Many I don’t remember the details of, but I recall waking up a number of times, even last night, either startled or realizing some big things I needed to do.
• One of my dreams last night made me realize that because of all these experiences I finally felt the strength within me to volunteer with the Now I Lay me to Sleep photography organization. For those that have never heard of it this was taken directly from their web site to help you understand how much my heart wants to give to those who just like me, are challenged with a baby that may have challenges after birth or that have lost a special child they’ll never come to know:“The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation gently provides a helping hand and a healing heart. For families overcome by grief and pain, the idea of photographing their baby may not immediately occur to them. Offering gentle and beautiful photography services in a compassionate and sensitive manner is the heart of this organization. The soft, gentle heirloom photographs of these beautiful babies are an important part of the healing process. They allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives.” It’s something I’ve considered for over a year, and finally through these recent experiences I am compelled to volunteer to help others who have also endured similar struggles as I am currently going through. I am pleased to say that today I was contacted by one of the organizations coordinators and they were impressed with my photography. Once I provide more examples of photography using artificial light sources I will likely be approved to volunteer. This is a big achievement for me, especially knowing how thoroughly this organization reviews and selects it’s photographers.
• I was thrilled that my final nurse was also a Valencia grad. Yes, I’m a very proud Valencia alumni and now Professor. I will be writing Winnie Palmer hospital in the near future to make sure they know just how awesome these ladies were who cared for me. It was a very challenging and scary moment in my life and they all put my heart and mind at ease as I endured so many medical challenges.
• I was so thankful once arriving home to take my first shower in three days. Because of my IV I couldn’t shower because they were concerned that if they disconnected the IV from the port that it could possibly close up. If that would have happened I would have had to have another IV put in, which given all the surgeries and my low blood pressure it would have been a challenge. So the moment I arrived home I hopped in the shower and I have to say that it was the best shower I’ve taken since my time in the military after returning from deployments or the field missions.

This morning at sunrise I was up and ready to take a few photos. I’m currently in a photography course at SCAD and I’ve had a project that I’ve been trying so hard to complete. Every time I begin to follow through with my ideas I’d end up back in the hospital. The project is to create two separate photos (a montage and collage) to visually represent a “sense of place” for where we live. I had brainstormed so many ideas related to my thoughts of central Florida but once I learned I’d be admitted into the hospital and seeing my view from my hospital room I decided for part of my project I would use my hospital room as the setting for my photo. I am not complete with my photo assignment at all, but I thought I’d share several of the photos from the morning. I set up my tripod to be able to do almost  a type of time lapse photos where I could possibly montage separate images of me together into one. Of course I still enjoy most of these images separately, which is how I will share them for now on my blog. As I post them I hope you enjoy a few more thoughts that accompany the moments I was in the hospital.

It was a foggy morning, which certainly set the mood for how I’ve felt these last few weeks. I spent a lot of time in the room this weekend just realizing how much my life has changed in less than a month.

Right now I have such positive spirits that I am so close to finally recovering from this mess. I do know that the emotional impact of this loss and all the events that have happened the last few weeks will likely affect me for some time to come. I know now is the time to begin to “move on”, but to be honest that isn’t as easy to do as you all might think.

I still plan to find a way to return to finding time to be silly again. Hopefully more fun memories make their way into my life soon. This morning I just had to be silly for a moment because I was pretty happy to know I was so close to going home.

I spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about not just this loss and all the recent challenges but also about all those I truly care about and have come to appreciate. I still feel so guilty that there are many of you that Jason or I never found time or energy to call personally. We hope you all know just how challenging these events have been and that it was never our intent to hurt any of you by neglecting to share this news. Hopefully through these recent events you have are reminded to check my blog a little more often to stay updated with how we are all doing. I can’t promise I’ll write as often as I have been, but I do plan to be more proactive than I have been the last couple of years.

I spent a lot of time in the hospital on my computer. I’m convinced it’s helped keep my spirits lifted as it allowed me to keep you all updated through facebook, twitter, and my blog. I thank all of you who corresponded with me over the weekend. I am still so touched by everyone’s concern.

This was one weekend where Jason didn’t oppose me on the computer so much. Staying so connected through these tough moments definitely kept my spirits lifted and helped time pass a little faster. If I didn’t have my computer I fear knowing how isolated I likely would have felt.

While I was taking pictures, Jason called from home. I told him the good news that it was time for me to go home. It made my day to hear how excited he was to learn he could bring me home.

Once I learned the doctor said I could be discharged the nurse came to disconnect my IV. It was definitely one of the happiest moments of the day. I finally began to feel “freed”.

As we waited for the nurse to finalize all my discharge paperwork I changed into my clothes and then told Jason I wanted to take a few photos with him. Today on the way home Jason and I talked about how October 2009 was the worst month of our marriage because of how many bad things happened. I had to remind him that through all the bad moments, some good has happened. While we were waiting, and before we took photos, Jason dozed off so I went to give him a kiss and wake him up.

As he woke up I told him that finally it’s time to go home.

Once he woke up we took a few photos together. Seeing this photo helps remind me of just how much our relationship has grown in just a few weeks…our love for one another is stronger than it has ever been.

I really thought it was cute that he was so willing to take pictures with me. Often times he does complain when I ask for him to take pictures saying “come on” or “are we done”. Today he was so sweet and happy just to know he was finally able to take me home. He was so cute trying to make me so happy today, which included coming to visit me with a goatie – that always makes me smile!

Since our relationship began in the military we have never been too openly affectionate in public. I do blame that partly on the fact that we were not permitted to show affection in uniform. Though we’ve gotten better about it in the 12+ years we’ve been married, we still seldomly show affection publicly. I couldn’t help but smile as he gave me huge hugs as I was taking pictures, knowing I would at some point blog about today and share some of the photos I took today. Oh, how I love him.

REUNITING WITH THE KIDS & SURPRISING HOPE
Today when I arrived home I couldn’t help but smile seeing my buddy Jaylen cuddling and sleeping with his Uncle Adam. From what I’ve heard, he and his Uncle Adam have become best buds. He seldomly goes to people he doesn’t know, but the moment Adam arrived Jaylen ran straight to him with open arms.

Before I left the hospital  I emailed Hope’s teacher early this morning. After being so concerned about how Hope was coping with all that has happened, I emailed her with my concerns and then also mentioned how I’d love to surprise her for lunch if I was released from the hospital in time. So once I arrived home we went to Panera to pick up lunch. Panera is Hope’s favorite place to eat since before she ever turned a year old. It’s one of the few places we’d go out to eat when she was so young while we were on a tight budget.

When we first arrived I stood waiting for Hope. Jason suggested I stand off to the side away from her initial view. As Hope came in the lunchroom she said “Daddy” and jumped right into his arms. I walked out and Jason turned her around and she saw me. Her face lit up to know I was finally home from the hospital. She shouted, “Mommy” and then ran to me and gave me the biggest hug ever, so big she wouldn’t let go for a good minute or two. All our eyes were watery eyed and so close to crying knowing how much it meant to Hope that I was finally home. It was the best surprise that definitely made her day! I thought it was cute that out of all the shirts she wore today she picked out a shirt she hadn’t worn in a long time. It said “so lucky to be me”. She told me later in the day as she pointed out what her shirt said that she felt so lucky to have me out of the hospital. I’m so happy that her spirits seem to finally be raising again.

A LITTLE MORE RECOVERING TO DO

When I met with the doctor this morning she suggested I take the next week to stay home from work,  lay low and “take it easy”. She reminded me the importance of rest and that the treatment I received in the hospital should do the trick to help me recover finally. Of course after going through 3 repeat surgeries and then the recent stay in the hospital I am still concerned and wonder, “is it really almost over?” I expressed my concerns to the doctor and she said that so long as I have no further complication like a higher fever, excessive bleeding, or pain & cramping then I should begin to feel better this next week. This afternoon I have felt better. I took time to nap after feeling so fatigued. It was nice to finally sleep in my own bed. I did begin to feel concerned again as I ran a low grade fever of 99 this afternoon. However, that is still lower than they will worry about at this point. Yes, I worried a bit this afternoon, even missing have the care of my nurses to have there to conveniently ask questions when I was concerned. I’m also still taking the estrogen supplements for the next five days. It is being used to strengthen the lining of my uterus after all the surgeries. I’ve since learned that the side effects will likely leave me feeling cruddy a bit the next few days with dizziness, lightheadedness, headaches, nausea and more. So for now I will just continue to rest and watch myself closely this next week and pray that it’s time to turn to a new chapter in this life of mine.

Thank you all again for all your support.

As I near the end of my second day in the hospital I have to tell you all that today has been so much more challenging on many levels. It’s been a long day that I’m so glad has nearly passed. Today I’ve discovered a few more things about being in the hospital that I thought I’d share.

• The antibiotics are definitely awful. I know they are helping fight off this infection, but they make me feel super cruddy at times. I’m taking clindamycin, ampicillan, and gentamicin which I’ve come to learn are definitely strong antibiotics that hopefully will fight off anything that might be going on within me. At times they make me feel much more nauseous, tired, and today they’ve begun to give me an achy belly.
• Being so nauseous they’ve given me zofran to help curb the nausea. It worked this morning and now that I’m feeling so cruddy again I’ll likely take it another time or two before these antibiotics are done.
• The antibiotics I’m on still taste sooooo awful. Thankfully Jason brought me life savers. For the first time in my life I truly felt like they really were “life savers”.
• I really hate being on this IV for this long. I am so eager to go home and finally get to take a REAL shower!
• My blood pressure has been low this weekend, which isn’t unusual. They have had to wake me up in the middle of the night to move around because it’s been that low. The lowest I remember was 77/54. I was told by the nurse today that after undergoing so many surgeries that it’s normal for it to be lower than what is considered a “normal” blood pressure.
• All my nurses have been Valencia grads, I am so proud to be in the care of some of our own alumni! The nurses really have been awesome!
• Today I got to meet the doctor that I called on Friday for the very first time. The practice that has been treating me is pretty large and it’s not uncommon to see different doctors when I’ve had visits to be treated. I’ve now seen 9 of the 11 doctors in the practice. I joked with the doctor how I felt a little special that they have all come to know me so well because of this complicated situation I’m in. I thanked her for taking the time to really review my concerns when I called Friday enough to discuss my situation more with other doctors which led to them wanting to see me to get me treated right away. I honestly fear now what I’d feel like right now if I had prolonged calling the doctor Friday. As much as I hate being here I’d rather be safe than sorry and at this point I feel as though they’ve taken all the precautions to help me recover soon from all this mess.

I found myself by midday annoyed with this IV. So much so that I took a picture of it.

When I took that picture the nurse had just started me on another dose of antibiotics and I could feel it running through my veins. It’s so cold and sometimes burns. I told Jason just before taking the picture that I was just so glad that my vein has maintained it’s strength and that I haven’t had to have a new IV line put in, especially seeing how I really don’t have many strong veins left worth sticking. Jason thought it was hilarious that I was taking a picture of my IV, so he in turn took a picture of me taking that picture. Go ahead, you can laugh – I’m on meds and it won’t offend me if you giggle at how silly I’ve been at times.

MY THANK YOU EMAIL TO DR. SHUGART
For a couple weeks now I’ve been contemplating finally sitting down to write the President of Valencia Community College (the college where I work). Though he really hasn’t been involved directly in any of the support through work, I felt it was something important for me to do. To thank him directly and let him know how reassuring it was to feel so much support from work. It’s helped ease my mind and focus more on recovery knowing how much those I work with care to see me recover soon. So I thought I’d share with you all the email I wrote him late last night. Tonight he made my night by responding and  asking me to take all the time I need to fully recover and that if I need anything to contact him and that there’s nothing to small or large and that he’d do his best to help. This note from such an influential man in my career meant quite a bit, especially knowing I’m just one of thousands of people who work at the college. So I share my note to him, just so you all who work with me or even you students know just how much I have appreciated all your support these last few weeks.

Dr. Shugart,
Since the last time we were together, I never would have imagined I’d find myself taking time this late in the evening to write you as I recover at the hospital. I know as the President of the college there are thousands of us working alongside you at the college, and so I wouldn’t be surprised if you haven’t heard of the challenges I’ve been facing this last month. On October 2nd I found out I had a miscarriage, my 3rd in ten years. It’s been a tough emotional rollercoaster for me and my family, even more so because I have had to undergo three surgeries and now I am battling an not so fun infection from going through three surgeries in just two weeks. I have been told by my doctors who have been practicing for 20-30+ years that my D&C surgeries are by far the most unique and complicated they’ve ever experienced in all their time practicing. Never have they had to perform 3 surgeries in such a short period of time and now that they suspect an infection they are taking every precaution to ensure I am taken care of. I’ll be in the hospital all weekend until at least Monday morning as I undergo receiving IV antibiotics which will hopefully treat this infection and help me recover fully.

Throughout the entire experience I’ve written on my blog web site to share my experiences, thoughts, and more with all my friends, family, colleagues, teachers, classmates and students because I know how many people over the years have come to care for me and my family. I write in hopes to ensure everyone is fully updated and not hearing rumors, but also so I don’t have to repeat this story over and over and over again. To be honest, sharing my story has come to be almost a way of healing through my writing and photography. If you haven’t already seen it here’s the link to my blog so that you may learn about these challenges I’ve been facing:
http://www.amandakern.com/blog

Again, I know I’m just one of many that work at the college and I definitely seek no individual attention, but I do hope to send along my sincerest thanks to the college as a whole. I know if I worked for most other jobs by this point I’d likely be stressing about my pay or leave time. Not once have I had to stress – I’ve been told that it’s something that will be taken care of and that I need not worry at this point about the administrative paperwork as I continue to recover.

I cannot tell you enough how thankful I am to work along such amazing colleagues this last month. My dean, Wendy Givoglu has reassured me that she’d take care of whatever administrative processes were necessary and offered her care and concern many times. My supervisor, Kristy Pennino, has been amazing. She’s covered several of my classes the last few weeks and has contacted my students when it was needed and I was unable to. She continues to remind me that as I do really long to return to the classroom, that right now my recovery is far more important. She also tells me not to worry and that she’ll ensure all my classes are taken care of during my absence. She even took time out of her weekend to come visit me today in the hospital. Jason Ellison has also been amazingly supportive offering to substitute classes for me this coming week. I’m so appreciative to work alongside so many amazing people who though the truly care about learning and our students, they have offered so much care and concern these last few weeks.  So many more at the college have extended such amazing words of care and support to me and my family over the last few weeks that have helped raise my spirits.

I have been equally thankful to have an amazing group of students this semester. I do feel bad having to go over three weeks since seeing them, however, they have all been extremely supportive and understanding these last few weeks. I can’t wait to return to the classroom to finish this semester strong. I admit I feel super guilty being away so long. It’s been extremely tough because as all this happened I was so full of energy teaching fulltime, just beginning my masters fulltime at savannah college of art and design, and also beginning my own photography business this year. They say that sometimes tough things in life happen to help put life into perspective for you, and now though I feel so far behind in so much due to the circumstances, all these struggles have continued to remind me how blessed and fortunate I am to have amazing family, friends, and colleagues who truly care about me and my family. To me that is far more meaningful than any job or success life could bring.

So I send this email to you in the late hours of the night as I pray that I recover from all this soon. I send my sincerest thanks to you and all those at the college who have shown me such amazing support these last few weeks. It means the world to work along side such amazing individuals.

Sincerely,
Amanda Kern

YES, I EVEN EMAILED DWIGHT HOWARD
So it’s okay to smile hearing how much these meds are likely affecting me. I have to say that I’ve had some pretty intense dreams on all this medicine. So much so that I wake up and sit right up either startled or in deep thought realizing I have something I need to do. Last night just before 4:30 in the morning I woke up just before the nurse came in to check my blood pressure. I sat right up after having the oddest dream. I really barely remember it, but I remember sitting up quite startled thinking “I’m suppose to email Dwight Howard!” They came in and told me I needed to sit up and move around because my blood pressure was so low. So I did, and then I was so wide awake and I didn’t stop thinking about the fact that I woke up with that instinct to email Dwight Howard.

So as I share the email with you all I have to tell you all that one of the most exciting things our family has to look forward to in the coming weeks is a Magic game on November 11th when they play the Cleveland Cavaliers. Friday morning I bought tickets to the game because after all we’ve been through I felt we truly deserved to do something fun and I just know how much Jason has been wanting to go to a game. Out of all the games he wanted to see them play the Cleveland Cavaliers most. I remember Friday morning looking on ticketmaster and stubhub and though I only bought decent upperbowl tickets, I remember wishing we were able to afford courtside tickets or one of the packages where the kids could meet the basketball players. We’ve always both been huge basketball fans, so just going to the game getting the tickets we have now were something we had come to truly look forward to. I have to admit that in writing Dwight, I really never expected to hear from him. He’s a famous athlete with millions of fans and we are just one of so many. However, those of you who really know me know that it’s not uncommon for me to contact famous people. I’ve been known to contact congressmen, famous athletes, and famous designers. I’ve  learned that despite their status in the world, they are regular people just like us all and most of them do truly care to help however they are able to. So I sent out this email knowing that though I might not ever hear from Dwight, that from what I’ve seen from his involvement in the community in Orlando he’s quite a respectable man and figured the worst that would happen would be that I’d never hear a thing. So I hope you all enjoy what I wrote him, and hopefully you don’t laugh too hard at me for waking up dreaming that I had to write a famous basketball player. I imagine I’ll never hear the end of writing a famous basketball player in the middle of the night from the hospital!

Hi Dwight,
I am in the hospital and woke up in the middle of the night with the oddest dream that I should write you. I know you have millions of fans so I will not be surprised if you ever see this email – I can’t imagine just how many people have come to adore you and all the amazing things you’ve done for the Orlando Magic and the community in recent years.

Yes, I tell you I woke up in the middle of the night from the hospital. I have been at Winnie Palmer all weekend and hopefully will get to go home Monday. I have learned that I have come down with a concerning infection after having 3 D&C surgeries in the last couple of weeks. I imagine you may not be familiar with the medical terminology, but a D&C was required three times to help me recover from a recent miscarriage, my 3rd in 10 years. It’s been a heart breaking few weeks and I’m praying that this is the last of this tough road to physical recovery, though I know it’ll likely continue to affect me for much longer physically and emotionally. If you care to learn more about what is going on I have written on my blog the last few weeks:
http://www.amandakern.com/blog

Yes, I find it a little funny that I woke up dreaming that should write you. Honestly, earlier friday before I learned I’d be admitted into the hospital I had broke down and purchased tickets for my family to attend the Magic game vs. the cavs on November 11th. I did so fearing if I’d be fully recovered by then, but knowing how much it would mean to my family for us to have some fun and go to a great game. My husband and I are big basketball fans, both played basketball growing up (though we were never anywhere near as super as you!), and now we’ve come to really enjoy being magic fans, especially in recent years since you’ve helped turn the Magic around so much. I surprised my husband with the news Friday and he was so excited. We haven’t been to a magic game since 2002 partly because we’ve been so busy but also because we’ve always hesitated having to bring the kids to a game with them being so young. Now after all we’ve been through my husband agree that there aren’t many places we’ll be going in the near future without our little blessings beside us – we’ve come to realize how truly blessed we are just to have the two children we have.

So I write you, knowing I may never hear back from you, but something has told me to write you. I could only find upperbowl tickets in the price range our family could afford and to be honest I would truly love to surprise my husband with a way to meet you guys and maybe some of the other magic or even some of the guys on the cavs who I’m sure might be friends – we all know you guys are going to play an awesome game against shaq and lebron! I just know how special it’d be to my husband and my family. Even my kids are big magic and basketball fans. My daughter jumped up and down Friday when she got home from school and I told her we were going to a game in a couple weeks. But we’re just one of millions of your fans so if I never hear from you, I definitely would understand. Hopefully you know just how awesome of a job  you’ve done at revitalizing basketball in Orlando – it’s so awesome for us to feel this excited about going to a game again!

But right now, as I write you I honestly am more concerned about recovering fully. I truly have feared if I’ll even be well enough to go to the game in a couple weeks. The last few weeks have seems like the worst dream that has never ended. So I smiled tonight waking up from a dream thinking I should take a little time to write you. Going to the game in a couple weeks is definitely one of the biggest things our family is now looking forward to!

Sincerely,
Amanda Kern

And yes, I still laugh at me waking up instinctively writing this email to Dwight. The cool thing is today when I saw him twitter to his followers I asked him if he got my email and he actually responded by twittering to me  “no I didn’t little homie”. I of course told him I only had his webmaster@dwighthoward.com email which I’m sure is filtered so hopefully someday he gets to read my message. Laugh all you like, but I officially feel like one of Dwight’s “homie’s” – I LOVE IT!

MY VISIT WITH RAVEN ROSE
I was so thankful to have Erik, Amanda, and my niece Raven come visit me this afternoon. I have to admit that my receptiveness to the thoughts of us having another child so soon after Jaylen definitely came not long after we learned Raven was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. Initially it saddened me so much and honestly scared me with our own thoughts of conceiving a child, knowing the risks for things like that go up as you get older. I am so thankful that she’s so healthy and is now 4 1/2 months old. It definitely made my day to get to see and hold her.

I can’t get over how much this little peanut has grown in such a short time. When she was born six weeks early she was only 4lbs. She’s now 12 or 13lbs and is growing like a weed! I love how much she’s starting to recognize things.

She’s definitely grown a lot these last few months. I just love her chubby little cheeks. Something tells me when my mother sees these recent pictures that she may say she has something in common with me. They use to call me the “gerber baby” growing up because I had such chubby cheeks as a baby. I definitely admired those chubby little cheeks today during her visit.

I admired seeing Jason spend a few minutes holding precious little Raven too. He’s such an awesome and proud Uncle. If we decide against having any more kids, I just know we’ll continue to take great pride in spoiling our super cute little niece just like our own children.

MY SWEET LITTLE GIRL
I have to admit that one of my biggest concerns through the last few weeks is how my baby girl, Hope, is doing. She’s nearly eight now and I can tell she sympathizes with me so much. She seems to be in good spirits but yesterday I really began to worry more about her. Jason and I allowed her to chat with me from home using Jason’s facebook account. She of course is so young so teaching her some things has been an interesting transition. Jason and I even taught her how to make smiley’s in facebook yesterday! She is sooooo much like me it’s not even funny. She definitely does such a better job expressing herself through her writing, just like me. And we are both usually good at hiding our emotions publicly. Though she seems to be in great spirits, I can tell by her chats that she is more concerned than she ever tells us in person. She sent me many messages saying she missed me. As many of you know, chatting sometimes in facebook can be buggy and so I felt so bad because if she wasn’t able to hear from me right away, even though it’d say I was online, she’d get disappointed and would send me messages saying she was crying and sad. Thankfully I got to see my baby girl tonight and had a great visit with her. I was greeted by her with a huge smile on her face and it warmed my heart to see her along with the card she made me.

This card she made me was so special. It was all glittery with a heart on the front saying, “I love you Mommy. You are speicel to me. Get well soon.” On the inside she drew a picture of her and I saying, “I love you” and then wrote, “I love you so much I want to give you hugs and kisses. Please get well soon. I love you hopefully this does not happen again. Love, Hope” I definitely will never doubt how much my baby girl loves me. My bond with her these last few days and weeks has definitely grown.

Now I have to tell you that though I’ve taken pictures this weekend and through this whole experience, I have to thank Jason and his brothers for all their help. It’s not unusual to hear the guys complain because I can be just as annoying as the paparazzi sometimes because I rarely have my camera put away. I have asked them all on a few occasions recently if they’d take pictures, something I use to never ask before starting 365 this year. But I’ve come to really value having pictures of all the moments that are special to me, even the cruddy ones in the hospital. As cruddy as I have felt I have had some good moments visiting with family in the hospital. The kind I don’t ever want to forget.

Of course tonight, I was humored asking Jason’s brother’s Adam and Erik to take a few pictures of Hope and I. Adam recently injured his finger so it was hilarious seeing him try to work my nikon with a cast on his finger. But he was a good sport and took a few photos. Once Erik arrived he picked up my camera asking a few questions about it and then decided to take a few pictures. Normally I’d really be concerned with someone handling my expensive camera without me closer to show them how it worked, but I just enjoyed his humor so much and he quickly figured it out. It was a riot as he took photos of Hope and I. We were all laughing hysterically at how funny of a photographer he was being telling Hope and I to “work it.” Now I just hope he wasn’t truly trying to mock me. You just have to see these silly guys in action! They’re such great sports.

Of course as Erik was acting so silly making us laugh, he took this picture of Hope and I as I took his picture. It was definitely a funny, memorable moment.

HOPEFULLY IT’S MY LAST NIGHT HERE
Jason and the kids are now at home. Jaylen slept the entire time he was here. I sure missed him today and can’t wait to see him awake and playful soon. I am spending my last night here, like the previous two with Jason and the kids at home and me here recovering. Though I miss them all dearly, I admit that I am so much happier that Jason is home with the kids, they need him there to give them that reassurance and positive parental support to help them know that everything is going to be okay. Jason has felt bad at times because he didn’t want to leave me alone, but I told him as much as I’d love to have him with me I know he’d not only be more comfortable sleeping at home but I’d feel better having him there to help reassure the kids. As much as I miss his company dearly, I keep reminding him that though he might think I’m alone – I’m not. I feel the spirit of so many through being able to access facebook, twitter, and my blog. To be honest I feel blessed to have such amazing nurses here caring for me, so even though I’m here alone at night they’ve been so reassuring and a positive presence during his absence. I’m just so glad my babies have such an awesome Dad. He’s definitely proven himself to be such an amazing father these last few weeks. Not that he wasn’t already, but he’s just that much more amazing helping hold this family of ours together through all these tough moments that have challenged our family so much. I definitely feel very blessed to be married to such an awesome man.

I was so nauseous earlier this evening that I couldn’t bear to eat so I finally now have an appetite. After I eat a very late night dinner I hope to rest, to awake in the morning with the good news from the that I get to go home. We won’t know for sure until the morning when the doctor visits us. I was told tonight by the nurse that the doctor has ordered that after these last three doses of antibiotics that I be taken off the antibiotics so my fingers are crossed that it won’t be long until I get to have this IV taken out.

So I end this blog post, hopefully my last that I write from the hospital, thanking you all once again for all your care and support. I have to admit that as crazy as some of you might thing I am for writing so much and disclosing so many personal moments, to be honest being able to write  through these moments have helped me so much. So thank you all again for just taking the time to listen, read, and continue to care about me and my family. I promise I’m trying so hard to get better fast!

My first full day at the hospital has passed. The day began with me feeling pretty cruddy. In just the first day I have discovered a few of the things being in the hospital:

• The doctor saw me first thing this morning. She said my HCG levels came back and they’re down to 91! Yes, that means she’s almost certain I’m in the clear from having to take methotrexate. This is a big relief, but I won’t feel fully reassured until I hear my levels are at zero.
• I was given information about endometritis which is what the doctors suspect I have developed, basically meaning an infection to the inner lining of the uterus from going through the three D&C surgeries. Yes, it’s scary to me still but after being here a day getting amazing care from the doctors and nurses I truly feel better knowing how much worse I’d likely have gotten if I didn’t come in to the hospital last night.
• I’m on fairly strong pain medication which has me feeling comfortable. No need to worry – they’re taking very good care of me making sure I will be better soon. I’ve been on darvocet the last day and after getting headaches this evening I’m back on motrin too.
• I’ve been put on estrogen supplements twice a day, which will likely continue for a few weeks. Of course the thoughts of being on hormones leaves me concerned but the doctor has told us that it will help the lining of my uterus heal from all it’s been through. Last night the doctor said all the medicine he’s putting me on is the best precaution he can take to ensure he protects my fertility and prevents me from having any further surgeries. Though right now the furthest thoughts from our mind is having more children, we’re reassured to know the doctor cares enough to protect the fact that we will be able to make that decision for ourselves some day.
• Ambien is awful. I really have no trouble sleeping usually so it was my first time taking sleeping medicine. It really scared me feeling so doozy before finally sleeping. But I did sleep really well last night. Last night I had no option, the doctor required that I take it to rest. Tonight it’s optional, and I have no desire to take it.
• Being connected to an IV all day and night really sucks. I have to pray that this vein stays strong so they don’t have to move the IV. I’m getting use to having it in, though it’s no fun feeling so stuck to it – it’s definitely no fun trying to go to the bathroom while I’m on this IV! But I’m reassured that it’s for the best that I’m connected to the IV with all these meds, though at times the antibiotics really do feel so cold going through my veins and sometimes they burn or sting as the go through my veins. And it’s hard to believe, but something going through my veins tastes sooooo awful.
• The hospital food isn’t too bad. Thank goodness. I really haven’t been too hungry, but the nurses remind me to eat. When I don’t I begin to feel nauseous so thankfully the hospital food is pretty good.
• Having wifi in the hospital rocks. I have been resting a lot today but in between restful moments I have been thankful to have my laptop and iphone handy to pass time.

This morning Jason and the kids stopped by to visit. It was one of the best things that happened all day. Seeing my kids made my day.

I have to say that I feel so thankful to have so many of you show so much care and concern – it’s been reassuring knowing how many are pulling for me to get better. These last few weeks have been very tough for my family and it’s been reassuring to be able to step away from things like work and school and have no worries other than getting better. I truly feel lucky to work with such amazing people – I’ve never had to stress about work through the last few crazy weeks that all now have blurred together. I really feel as though October is one big blur. Today my “boss”, Kristy Pennino, stopped by for a bit to visit me in the hospital. As my former teacher, colleague, and now my supervisor – I have to admit that she’s just as much of a good friend, especially during times like these. It was good to finally catch up after not seeing her since I was last on campus over three weeks ago. Yes, it’s all a blur and I’m finding it hard to believe I’ve been going through this mess for more than three weeks. Thanks Kristy for helping offer a little distraction today, I definitely appreciated your company and though I know I need to rest right now – I seriously cannot wait to return to work and move on past all these tough moments life has brought lately.

So many of you have touched me with your sincere thoughts and wishes and all the efforts you have made to comfort my family during these tough times. I have to say that I was most moved last night when I heard news that our family pulled together to buy my brother-in-law, Adam, a plane ticket for him to fly down from Chicago. To know that he’s willing to drop all his own personal obligations to come down to help us in the coming days means the world to me. I can’t deny that just thinking of how much he is sacrificing to be here for us as he has his own challenges life is bringing him definitely leaves me feeling all teary eyed, just knowing he cares that much to be here for us. Tonight Adam, Jason, the kids, and Connie stopped by to visit me.

It always stinks to know it takes bad things to help family reunite, but I’m thankful to have family here. Adam has been amazing in just the short time he’s been here. I’ve heard how much fun the kids are having with him. Hope is having a blast having her uncle here to goof around with.

They really are goofballs together, there’s no denying both of them are in the Kern family!

For me it puts my mind at ease having Adam here. I admit I worry so much about how the kids are coping these last few weeks. I know Hope has been challenged with her own emotions, and now that she’s seen me in the hospital this many times and now having to stay all weekend I just worry so much about how she is doing. I remember being about the same age when my own mother had been in the hospital a few times and I remember as a kid I always worried about my own mother so much even fearing she might die, even though things weren’t really that bad. I imagine Hope is feeling those same fears so I have no doubt that having Adam here is a great distraction for Hope so that she doesn’t have to think to much about her worries. Adam it means the world that you’re here…thank you.

Tonight the kids were here when I had dinner. Hope insisted on having dinner with me. I was amazed to hear she was willing to pass up a happy meal for a dinner with me. Even Jaylen was excited to sit with me as I took time to eat.

It was a memorable enough dinner that I asked Jason to take photos, despite how cruddy I feel and look.

So one day down. I am anxious for the weekend to be over. It’s time I rest to hopefully help this nausea go away and yes, to get better.

I never imagined earlier today that I’d find myself blogging from the hospital, but here I am writing from what will be my home through likely Monday morning. As many of you may have heard me twittering, I’ve been in quite a bit of pain the last two days. Most of which has been cramping that really has come to feel more like labor pains, the ones that radiate to my back. It’s been awful, at times leaving me in tears and feeling helpless making me feel as though I’m in labor the last two days. It’s been discomforting recovering the last two days – I keep saying it feels as though someone has shoved a spoon inside of me and is just scraping away at my insides. I really find myself to have a pretty good tolerance for pain so for me to finally break down to call the doctor for pain medicine this morning took a lot. The doctor prescribed me medication and then later this afternoon called and expressed the concerns of all the doctors who have treated me these last few weeks. Obviously at this point they really are concerned that my recovery could take a turn for the worse so I was asked to come in to the hospital and see one of the doctors I have seen a few times this last month so I could be more closely examined and if needed, treated. I really truly thought we’d just take a quick trip to the hospital, say hello to the doctor and go through an exam and go back home to continue recovery. I was so wrong.

Jason has been amazingly strong these last few weeks, but he definitely has come to feel more frustrated and stressed, wondering just as I have – will this ever end? On the way to the hospital I could tell he sensed that we were likely going to have more not so great news to add to this extremely tough time I’ve been going through. I continued to tell him it would be okay, we’d be home in a couple hours. It couldn’t get much worse, right? Before we arrived at the hospital Jason took a picture on his iPhone – an amazing sunset of my new home for the weekend. We were very hesitant to say we were returning to the hospital before we knew what would happen because we feared the barrage of calls and text message that would follow. You all have no idea how worn out we both have become having to continue to relive these stressful moments time and time again. I remember walking into Winnie Palmer thinking of how I’d return home to blog about going to the hospital, so I took a few pictures with my iPhone. Little did I know I’d end up having to stay over night – that thought didn’t even cross my mind when we walked into the hospital.

When we arrived, the doctor had already let the nurses know I’d be coming down. I suppose that should have been my first sign that I’d be admitted. I was seen fairly quickly and underwent another exam which was pretty discomforting. When the doctor first came into the room the very first thing he told me was he was NOT going to put me through another surgery, that wasn’t an option. That calmed my initial fears. After the exam he informed us that he was very concerned that I could be starting to get an infection and after all I’ve been through he didn’t want to take the risk of jeopardizing my health any more. I was told that I would be admitted for 48 hours to have 3 strong IV antibiotics administered. Though I’ve been on antibiotics for over the last week, he said that they weren’t quite strong enough to help ensure that if there was an infection starting after all I have been through for it to work well enough and quick enough to help me fully recover. I also had my blood drawn again to test my HCG levels and other stuff and now we still wait to find out if the levels are going down. If they are not I still do fear the thoughts of having to take methotrexate. So now I sit in the hospital getting the medication that will hopefully help me recover and feel less discomfort than I have been for the last few days.

The good news we did hear from the doctor today was that he encouraged us to stay optimistic about the news we learned of regarding my uterus condition. He said that the doctor who did my last surgery had a tough time telling for sure if it was present during surgery and that though it was suspected during the sonogram he informed us that sonograms have become so amazing at the quality of photos that they sometimes show that much more inside that he has seen on several occasions that the condition they suspect to be misdiagnosed. So once I fully recover the Xray procedure will be the only way for us to confirm whether or not I do have to still worry about that condition. It’s good to have a little hope that this condition may not exist, but we’ll have to wait a little longer to know for sure.

I admit that when I first learned of the news that I was being admitted I was a little overwhelmed, in disbelief and once again scared. I remember turning around after getting dressed, filled with tears, just wondering to myself why this was still going on and when it’d ever end. I keep wondering how this could possibly still be going on? I wonder if it will get any worse. I wonder if I will ever fully recover. I wonder when I will resume my life again. I imagine the weekend in the hospital is likely a sign I need to find it in me to rest. I admit I fear being here. I really hate talking on the phone but I did find myself calling just two people myself tonight in the hospital to tell them of the news. I wish I could have called so many more but I admit my energy to talk about this is not there and I hope you all who would prefer to talk understand that I will continue to do my best to update you all and express my thoughts through my blog as I feel up to it.

The nurses definitely have been challenged making sure they put the IV in the best spot that would last two days. Being in surgery and poked with needles so much the last two weeks for labwork and IV’s necessary for surgery have really left me with very few strong veins left for them to use. I’m thankful the nurse was able to find one in my forearm that would leave my hands free to type. I made it clear to them that it was so important to me to be able to type during moments I was awake, alert and feeling up to finding ways through my computer to pass the time in the hospital.

I have to admit that the one reassuring thing is that though this experience has been highly stressful and frustrating for us, I feel so reassured to have received some amazing medical care. I believe the doctor’s in the practice treating me are going to have to give me some type of frequent flier reward for how many times I’ve been back to be treated. As tough as this has been, I can’t complain with the medical care and attention I’ve received. Wednesday most of the doctor’s met for their weekly meeting and discussed me as one of their high risk cases. I’ve seen about 75% of the practice’s doctor’s in the last two years so I imagine they’re likely not to forget me any time soon. My doctor tonight smiled as we discussed how frustrating this has been and informed me that in his 20+ years of practicing medicine my D&C case is definitely the most unique, memorable and challenging cases he has ever had to treat. For me the biggest reassurance is that I just know all the doctors are doing everything they possibly can to make sure I get the best care and get better soon. I suppose I do feel a bit bad though that it takes me seeing nearly their entire practice to get through this recovery. The nurses at the hospital have been equally great. Tonight the nurse giving my IV was quite sweet, she told me she’d wait for me to finish writing on my blog to give me the sleeping medicine the doctor has prescribed so that I can get the rest I need tonight. Here I am getting my IV started – it’s going to stink having to have this thing in me the entire weekend.

Once again, I thank you all for all your care and support I’ve received these last few weeks, I definitely sense everyone’s concern in just the last few hours since you all have come to learn of these latest challenges. So for now I prepare to sign off and put the computer away to get some rest, but don’t be surprised if you hear from me again before the weekend is out with another update. I assure you of one thing…I’m certainly not giving up, even with as discouraging as this has been…I promise I WILL get better! I just pray it happens soon.