Just over two years ago I began volunteering as a photographer with Now I lay me down to sleep. If you’re not familiar with the organization it is one where photographers volunteer their services to families who have or are expected to lose their baby. A lot of people ask me “why” or “how” I could ever volunteer doing such sensitive photography of something many consider to be “morbid”. Trust me, I never thought I’d be the one doing infant bereavement photography…I’m convinced it was all a part of God’s plan. As I began learning photography I recall wanting to find ways to give back and initially considered it but felt it was something I wasn’t quite strong enough to do. I felt that way for a good year before I miscarried in 2009. It took that experience and a month of surreal medical experiences where I thought I might never have another child that made me think a little more about stepping up to volunteer. I’ve heard many people say they have that “moment” with God at some point in the lifetime. That miscarriage left me in the hospital for several days after going through three surgeries and I recall waking up the very last night to a dream of my mother hurting badly. I don’t recall a lot of the details but just recall waking up very worried about my mother who I hadn’t been in touch with much that month. I woke up wide awake and checked my email to find a heartfelt message from my mother letting me know she had been thinking of me and told me a bit of her own experiences miscarrying close to halfway through her pregnancy before she had me. It was something I knew had happened but it was never talked about growing up. As the tears fell, I realized it was a sign from God that I was strong enough…if I made it through as much as I did that month I miscarried then I could certainly help other families. I went ahead that same night and signed up to be considered as a volunteer. I recall thinking about my own heartache but knowing that many other families had went through so much more losing little ones much further along than I did and I felt that miscarriage finally gave me the strength to know if I could make it through that surreal month then I could make it through anything.

By December 2009 I was accepted as a volunteer photographer and was quickly thrown in the fire as a photographer. I joined when there were only a few photographers available and I was quickly needed that month for several sessions. There was never an opportunity to train or shadow other photographers…I was needed and I had no time to think about how tough it might be for me to do this type of photography because I knew I was stepping in to help them in some of the most special moments of their lives…their final moments with their little one. Exactly two years ago I was called to the hospital to photograph Ashley & Paul’s son, Caiden, who had unexpectedly lost his heartbeat at 28 weeks. Ashley had went a little longer than normal before Caiden was born so he was very fragile and still to this day it was the toughest sessions I’ve ever done for Now I lay me down to sleep. Over the last two years their family has kept in touch and I was uplifted earlier this year to hear that they were expecting a little girl at the end of this year. In mid September I met with the couple on the day they passed the 28 week mark of their pregnancy. We were all thinking of Caiden that day. They brought along this photo I had taken of Caiden’s hand grasping Paul’s two years ago.

At the end of November Caiden’s little sister, Kaydence, arrived. This past week I got to meet her for the first time. Yes, she’s an amazing little miracle.

I feel like I’ve been waiting in anticipation of this little girl nearly as much as I have one of my own…boy was she worth the wait.

At just two weeks old she had the most adorable little personality.

I wish you all could see every single little expression we got to see…perhaps this snapshot of thumbnails will help you all smile a little more.

Okay, I can’t resist it…I have to share an outtake. As we worked on posing her and keeping her head stable she totally played the perfect baby model. Yes, this little girl cracks me up.

Thankfully she didn’t take long to doze off…you know I love sleepy newborns the best.

Thanks to Erin Sharma I had an extra set of hands to help with Kaydence and as she stayed content Erin joined me in photographing her. Erin and I took some photos behind the scenes to help you all see a bit more of what a session really looks like. It takes a lot of work to get these little ones looking perfect.

We spent a lot of time admiring Kaydence. As we did we reflected on Caiden at times. Her mother and I agreed that she definitely resembles her big brother.

I think a lot of people who view newborn photography think of it as being “easy”…and many think it takes just a few minutes to take the best shots. Well, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only do we have to have a cooperative little one but I’ve come to learn photography of newborns has so much more to do with other things…like light…and fabric. I’ve become a little obsessed with blankets and fabric over the last four years. One thing I despise in my photos is wrinkles. I picked a fabric for Kaydence that was a little more pesky with wrinkles…I suppose some might be humored by this. I’d rather spend a few extra minutes getting the wrinkles out this way than in photoshop because photoshop really can’t perfectly fix everything.

Even after fabric is steamed I’m constantly working out the wrinkles once the baby is comfy. Some fabric is more cooperative than others…this fabric was more challenging than the baby.

Thankfully Kaydence was a little angel for us. Erin was kind enough to hold the fabric down nice and tight to help keep the fabric as wrinkle free as possible…and yes, it was a hilarious moment so I can help but share another smile from the day.

As I photographed Kaydence in Ashley’s arms I couldn’t but have a flashback of taking a similar photo of Ashley and Caiden. You definitely never forget moments like those.

There’s definitely no forgetting Caiden…but boy are we all so glad to celebrate having Kaydence here this year.

I swear this little girl makes the cutest little pouty faces…something tells me she knew we were thinking of Caiden a lot that day.

You can’t put a price on being able to take photos of Ashley & Paul with Kaydence because taking nearly the same photos with Caiden are still some of the most touching and unforgettable moments I’ve been a part of as a photographer.

Yes, Paul is a proud father…he now has his baby girl here safely in his arms. Something tells me he’s going to be holding her real close for quite sometime.

I was told Paul had Caiden’s name tattoo’d on his arms so it was a perfect opportunity for me to take another memorable photo of Kaydence.

Kaydence will grow up knowing she has a very special big brother in heaven…there’s just no forgetting that sweet little angel.

Yes, Kaydence…we still miss him…something tells me you know that.

This past weekend I invited Kaydence’s family out to do some outdoor newborn photos. It’s a tad bit more challenging to work outdoors so we had a goal to get one perfect shot of Kaydence. Erin joined me again…she helped me test the light where we would shoot the photos of Kaydence.

The plans were to photograph Kaydence on a large tree that had been knocked down. Safety is the absolute most important thing to me so as we positioned her and made sure she was cozy everyone had hands on her helping her feel a little more comforted and safe.

Once we got her into position and we knew she wasn’t too squirmy we began taking tons of photos.

And here she is…sunbathing in the awesome December Florida sun.

Ashley & Paul best wishes to your family. Kaydence truly is a blessing just like her big brother. Something tells me he’s up there smiling as we all watch his little sister grow. Happy birthday Caiden…you’ll never be forgotten.

Arabella also joined me this past weekend to do some outdoor newborn photos. Erin Sharma joined me again to assist me given the unpredictable disposition of newborns it was helpful having another set of hands. I’ve worked with Erin a handful of times the last two years when our schedules have worked out. We had this dream of Arabella sleeping on this tree. She decided she’d prefer to stay awake and was a little too squirmy for us to try this shot.

Because Arabella was so alert and squirmy it was a huge help having Erin positioning this sweet little one because I literally had a split second between Erin working with Arabella to take the photos I ended up most pleased with.

Yes, great teamwork…

Diana brought along her nephew, Arabella’s much older cousin. He sure loves his new cousin.

Congrats once again Diana. Arabella surely is a blessing. Best wishes to your family…I can tell you all are totally in love with your sweet little girl.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been nearly four years since I began this little journey of photographing newborns. What began as just a personal interest and hobby has certainly come a long way and I’ve learned so much about photography and newborns over the last few years. As I’ve shared my work and begun my business I’ve gradually had people not only interested in having their babies photographed but there have been many interested in seeing what goes into photographing a newborn. It’s definitely not as easy as it may look and takes a great deal of patience and time to work with the little ones. Over the last few years more and more people are beginning to contact me to ask for tips, ask if they can shadow or intern, and I’ve even been stopped a few times by strangers while out and about asking about opportunities to be present during a newborn session. So offering opportunities to let others join me during a session has been on my mind the past year or more but as many of you know life has been incredibly busy…but finally, I’ve begun to coordinate a last minute opportunity for those of you who’d like to join me in a newborn shoot and have a bit of fun observing and being a part of a session.

Of course there’s more to it than me looking forward to sharing my knowledge…I have a desire to give…once again. Yes, a bit of a different giving opportunity I have for you all. If you’ve been following along on my blog you may have heard that my niece who is just 2 years old was recently diagnosed with leukemia. She’s been in the hospital for about three weeks of the past month and her family is expected to be challenged as she fights leukemia. In addition to the hardship leukemia places upon her family they’ve recently experienced troubles with both of their vehicles. They’re also close to halfway through with a second pregnancy. We’ve established a fundraiser for my niece’s family that ends THIS Friday, December 16th at midnight.

So here’s your opportunity to join me in a newborn photoshoot this Saturday morning at 9am at a local park outdoors in the Orlando area. Before I share the details I must first introduce you to two incredibly adorable babies that will be present for the photo session.

If you’re interested in this opportunity here’s all you have to do…

• Visit my niece Raven’s fundraising page and make a donation. I won’t set a minimum…I know it’s the holidays…at this rate knowing you have a giving heart to help my niece is enough for me to extend this opportunity to you.
• Email me (amanda [at] amandakern.com or just use the contact button on my blog or web site) as soon as you make a donation and let me know you want to join me for the photo session. Again, it’ll be 9am this Saturday, December 17th, 2011 at a local park in Orlando. I’ll send you specific details as soon as I receive your email. I anticipate the session to last 1-2 hours but the exact duration will depend upon the cooperation of the two adorable little ones I’ll be photographing.

Please note that only a limited number of people will be able to join us so the first to donate and email will be the first accepted to join me. I will be sure to let you all know when we’ve reached capacity. If you join me during the session you will be able to observe, participate, and take photos during the session. Of course you’ll also have the opportunity to ask me questions and hopefully along the way I can help share a few tips with those of you interested in learning a bit more about working with newborns and/or photography.

Yes, I’ve learned a lot…now it’s time to share a bit of my knowledge…and in the process it’ll mean the world to me if more of you can help me give to help my sweet niece Raven and her family as they have been so challenged with the news that she now has leukemia.

Chance and I woke up early this morning. I was preparing to leave my baby boy behind for a few hours to do a photo shoot. It’s tough to leave his side but given that he’s stable I felt it was a good reason to escape and take a bit of a break from the hospital. I have no doubts that Chance supported me on this one…the photoshoot planned was to finally meet some of our new friends who also have spina bifida. We had the photoshoot scheduled last weekend but his surgery last weekend interfered with our plans. As I got my stuff gathered to head out I admired watching this little guy…and really not wanting to leave his side.

Before I left he fell asleep again. I kept hesitating on whether I should commit to this photo shoot that I had this morning but given that he was doing well I just knew it was something that would help me, him, and help us both continue to create awareness about spina bifida. The more I think about all we’ve been through and having Chance I realize he is here for a purpose…and in having him here…somehow all this is giving me that much more purpose to do the things I know may very well impact the spina bifida community in a very positive way. So I headed out while my baby boy rested peacefully.

This morning I met four families who all have a child with spina bifida. The goal was to take photos that would potentially be used for the Spina Bifida Association and for the upcoming Walk-n-roll event promotional material. These families were chosen because they have also been very proactive in helping with the fundraising efforts for the Walk-n-roll. I’m quite excited to feature the kids to help create awareness about spina bifida. Aiden who is just a few years old arrived full of energy. He uses a walker to assist him in getting around but it certainly didn’t slow him down.

In fact, he had me running around after him. He had a blast racing me…and I swear he always beat me.

Really, he was amazing to watch…there wasn’t much getting in his way of getting around.

Of course it’s tough not to also admire his adorable smile.

Meet Dominick. He’s thirteen and also has spina bifida. He was the oldest of the kids but we still managed to get him involved and I had a lot of fun getting to know him.

He’s pretty darn fast too…there wasn’t much stopping him. It was an eye opening experience for me seeing each and every kid today get around today…sure they do a lot of this stuff differently than most people but their challenges certainly didn’t prevent them from doing what they wanted to do.

Dominick told me he liked to take photos…so here he is after I trained him how to use my camera. He sure looks like a pro already, eh!?

Of course I had to steal my camera back so I could take more awesome photos of him…

Dominick lead the way today…here he is with 18 month old Patricia who also has spina bifida.

They spent some time together and I tried my best to photograph them moving around but they were just so darn fast but so much fun to watch. At one point the paused…and this was the “moment” that made all us parents say “awe…”

Patricia was pretty amazing to watch. It’s tough to believe this little girl this young has mastered maneuvering this stander device that helps her get around. But she moved around like a pro and totally impressed me.

I fell in love with Patricia’s expressions.

Four year old Jordan was the last child I met with. He also has spina bifida and was exceptionally cute today. I’ve photographed a lot of kids but I have to say that he was one of the most articulate four year olds I’ve met. He was such a high spirited, curious, and happy kid.

Yes, this kid has personality…the kind that is tough not to fall in love with. Jordan you rock my friend…thanks for making me laugh today.

I returned back to the hospital and shortly after Jason headed out to pick up the kids and take care of some things at home. It left me watching over this sweet baby boy of mine who rested more. I’m praying he’ll have recovered enough for us to go forward with the next surgery so we can go home soon. Yesterday his CSF had gotten really clear, which is a great sign. Today he had a bit of bleeding again, possibly from moving around with that wire. I’m praying it doesn’t prolong whatever comes next.

Chance had visitors today. We haven’t had many at all until today. If you’ve been following my blog you likely recall Chance’s spina bifida friend, Mason’s mother, Mary. She was sweet enough to stop in and chat for a bit and spend some time with my baby boy. Chance’s new spina bifida friend, Dominick also stopped in with his mother to say hello. It was a nice distraction and we all got to chat about spina bifida and our experiences a bit more. I am pretty sure Chance enjoyed the company.

Mary caught us in the room one of the few times of the day that all five of us were present. At most we might all be in the room together as a family an hour out of the day. It’s tough for the kids to stay for long without getting bored or worked up. Mary was courageous enough to pick up my camera to take a few photos…so we finally have one to share of all of us.

The nurses gave Chance a bath again today. His head has to stay super clean to help prevent infection. The nurse decided to give him a faux hawk. I don’t think he realizes just how cute he looked.

And then we all told him…and he must have believed us.

This evening I left Chance behind again. Yes, twice in one day. I must sound like the worst parent…but it was worth taking a walk across the street to Winnie Palmer to meet with a family who had their baby about four weeks early. Here’s Finn who’s just 2 days old. He’s got some growing to do and some things to be monitored before he goes home…but as you can see…he’s perfect…and a blessing.

Yes, it totally sucks to still be here at the hospital…but no matter how much I sit here wishing to go home…today was that reminder that despite the circumstances all this happening has a purpose…and that I have all the reason in the world to feel blessed.

Years from now if someone were to ask me to make a list of the most influential people who have made a difference in my life there is absolutely no doubt that Chance’s doctor would make the list. Nearly a year ago after learning Chance had spina bifida she was the one we found gave us the most optimism and helped us see the hope we had ahead for our baby boy. Since he was born she’s been there so many times as Chance has been in and out of the hospital, including performing 6 of the 8 surgeries he has had. It seems as though every time we’ve faced uncertainties with Chance before and after he was born she has been there for our family. We’ve joked this past year that we’ve seen Chance & my doctor’s so often that they’ve pretty much become like family. We definitely don’t know how we would have made it through half as much as we have without their support.

A couple months after having Chance I learned his doctor was expecting her second child so I was honored when she asked me to take his newborn photos. I don’t know if my photography quite compares to the care or support she’s given our family but hopefully spending a bit of time with her family helps bring her family a world of happiness with the photos they now have to look back on. Just this past weekend I met her baby boy, Harrison, for the first time. I could go on and on about how beautiful he is or how awesome and fun their family was to photograph…but something tells me you guys are far more interested in seeing this cute little guy.

Out of all the things I’ve learned the last few years it’s that life is a whole lot better when you take “chances”. I think it’s obvious now that Chance is here with us how much he alone has changed our lives but looking back at so many things beyond Chance’s presence…everything from my teaching career, to photography, to all the non-profit work I’ve done…some of the best things have come at times when I’ve driven forward, despite obstacles that were in the way. This evening’s photos with Mason once again reminded of the importance of taking chances. I expressed an interest to Mason’s mother after his photos last week to photograph him outdoors in a bowl. Photos of newborns outdoors are a tad bit more challenging as you have to worry about the weather…which in Florida this time of year means rain. Mary & I agreed to meet at a local park, despite the thunderstorms that do arise several times a week this time of year. Usually this time of year it rains a bit most days but the rain typically doesn’t last the entire night. We arrived and it was raining so we hung out for a bit and tended to Mason’s needs. At 3 1/2 weeks he has become more alert. We passed a bit of time as we hoped for him to fall asleep. I took photos admiring Mary & her new baby boy.

If you’ve been following my blog you may recall that Mason was born with spina bifida just like my son Chance. Mason’s back is still healing but he’s doing so well. I remember those days so well…just wishing and waiting for Chance’s back to heal. I know it’s only a matter of time and those worries will be behind Mary and Mason. I’m still so surprised at how little most people know about spina bifida. So many times I have had people who thought that merely closing a baby’s back is a “cure” for spina bifida. Unfortunately it’s not a cure but it’s one less thing to worry about. The mark on Mason’s back will be a constant reminder of the beginnings of his journey with spina bifida. It’s a beautiful reminder of the blessings he’s brought despite the challenges he’s been faced with.

Mason showed no signs of falling into a deep sleep so we moved forward and began posing him in a bowl in hopes that he’d find a comfy spot so I could take his photo. I’m one of the most patient people, especially with newborns but as we began I could sense the rain coming back so I had to work fast. Mary was a huge help and once again sang a sweet lullaby to Mason to help keep him calm.

After a few minutes it worked…he wasn’t sleeping but was content. I didn’t have time to spare as the weather was beginning to look worse. The entire time I recall talking to Mason telling him if he cooperated he’d be my new best friend. Yes, I really do talk to the babies most times…and most times they listen.

Mason was pretty amazing to me. All the waiting and putting up with the rainy moments were worth it. I owe Mary a huge thanks…outdoor shots are often a tad bit more challenging so it helps to have awesome parents helping me. Thanks to her helping hand and patience this sweet photo of her baby boy was possible.

After I was done I joked that the nearly six years I spent in the military has finally been put to good use…between spending time posing him and laying on the ground to get the shots of Mason in the bowl I arose wet and full of dirt…but it was so worth it for this little friend. We celebrated for a moment afterwards and I told him how absolutely awesome he was.

Over the last few days I’ve been overcome by the out pour of love and support and sincere thoughts shared after sharing baby Mason’s first photos in the NICU I had taken. I’ve been in close touch with Mason’s mother and as you all might imagine…she’s quite busy with trips to the NICU to visit her baby boy and hasn’t had an opportunity to share too many updates. She’s been released from the hospital and is staying fairly close so that she can visit her baby boy often. Her two older children are visiting now so I offered to visit them again in the NICU to capture a few more moments now that Mason is just one day shy of being a week old. I arrived and he was sleeping peacefully…yes, aside from the wires that monitor his vital signs he’s wirefree.

As the nurse changed his diaper his big sister helped keep him content.

Since my last visit a few days ago Mary has been permitted to hold her baby boy…yes, a moment that clearly brings them both so much happiness.

There was no denying the “real” moment of my time with Mary and her kids. Her son had a blast acting silly when my camera was pointed towards him.

Mason is now feeding by bottle and doing quite well since coming off of his feeding tube.

This little guy clung to his Momma’s finger.

…and would not let go.

He opened his eyes for brief periods of time for us.

But spent most of his time resting…like the sweet newborn baby boy that he is.

I’ve photographed a few spina bifida babies since Chance was born…and I swear they have got to be the happiest and most sweet spirited little souls I’ve photographed. Mason let out a huge smile. I’ll be counting the days now until I get to take his “official” newborn photos and pray he remains this smiley.

Mary’s son joined me in taking photos before I left. We had so much fun I thought we were both nearly about to get kicked out of the NICU. Thankfully the sweet nurses were willing to put up with our laughter and attempts to get the best photos of Mary and Mason.

I’m afraid to see the photos her son took of me…but thankfully he cooperated with me while we both took some fun photos.

Mason’s back continues to heal. The doctors have checked on him regularly and continue to monitor him to ensure he doesn’t develop hydrocephalus. Thus far he shows no signs of needing a shunt. Mary’s family has their fingers crossed that he’ll continue to heal and possibly be out within the next week. Spina bifida can be pretty unpredictable but the prayers are working…and I suppose for now that’s the most we can all keep doing.

Today was the first time I entered the NICU since Chance was born. Today I met 2 day old Mason for the first time. Mason also has spina bifida. When I arrived he was laying in the prone position. The sight of this sweet baby boy brought back a rush of emotions and memories for me.

Just like Chance, he was still connected to many wires and a feeding tube. He was just taken off of oxygen today, the first time since his surgery to close his back was completed Monday.

When I arrived the nurse was checking in on him and changing him.

Like most newborns, his eyes were glued shut. He was such a sleepy little guy, though it was tough for him not to squirm with all the wires connected to him.

Mason’s mother Mary had contacted me a few weeks back. She learned Mason had spina bifida around the same time I had Chance. I knew all this time that somehow my baby boy would help so many others….that he would somehow help me help others….I didn’t quite envision the impact he would have on so many people. Thanks to Chance I have connected to hundreds of mothers with children who have spina bifida. Spending a bit of time with Mary & Mason today reminded me of all those first moments, the ones that made me feel so overwhelmed, emotional and vulnerable. I can share all these personal moments with you but I don’t think its something anyone will ever truly understand unless they’ve been challenged with having a baby with spina bifida.

Mary showered her baby boy with kisses. He began to smile. Something tells me he knows how much he’s loved.

Mary mentioned that she had yet to see Mason’s eyes open. It was so rewarding to be able to capture these “first” moments for her.

The first time Mary saw Mason’s eyes open I was there.

I know the last two days have been an emotional rollercoaster for Mary and her family. I know because I have been there. But boy was it uplifting for us to see her baby boy open his eyes today. Sometimes it’s the littlest moments that fill our heart with the most happiness.

Though Mason was born into this world with spina bifida and is likely to encounter challenges in his lifetime…just look at his sweet face…and you’d never knew he had spina bifida.

Mason’s tiny hands were curled up. This was the same arm he had his IV in so he couldn’t move it much.

Due to his spina bifida, Mason was born with two club feet. In the near future he’ll require casts to correct them. For now he keeps his feet curled up like most newborns.

While we there Mason was being fed through his feeding tube.

Mary decided to face Mason so she could see his eyes open better. The moments were totally priceless…no words can really express the love felt today. Something tells me you all may be able to sense it through some of these photos taken. Mason seemed quite happy to have his Momma talking to him.

It’s only a matter of time before I take Mason’s official newborn photos…until then I will keep praying for this sweet baby boy that his time in the NICU is limited and that he is home with his family where he belongs.