Yes, this news seems like a miracle after all we’ve been through. We feel very blessed to inform you all that our family is once again expecting our third little one. We found out this past weekend that many months after our last miscarriage that finally I am pregnant again. I admit I began to think the day would never come and at times began to think giving up would be better for me emotionally than trying month after month and feeling just as heartbroken as I did in October. But this past week I’ve been reassured that miracles just take a little longer sometimes. We continue to hope God’s protecting us and this little one that’s on the way.

Today we went to my first OB appointment and it’s still too early to share anything more than the news that I am pregnant. This morning at my appointment the nurse confirmed how many times I’ve been pregnant as she did she sighed saying “You’ve been pregnant…six….times, correct?” It took so much to hold the tears back realizing that I now face this hurdle again where looking at the numbers I fear the odds are against us but I’ve dug down deep to try to remain strong and think so optimistically this time. Since finding out the news this weekend we’ve sat here debating the last few days when exactly we’d share this news. Given the fact that I have miscarried 3 out of the 5 previous times I was pregnant I think it’s obvious why we usually elect to hesitate to share this news. Though we’ve been to the doctor we have  yet to hear a heartbeat and we’re obviously just as nervous as we are excited. We decided to share this news now because we know so many of you have been just as anxiously awaiting to hear this news. There hasn’t been a day that has passed since October that I haven’t thought about our loss or the hope our family has to someday welcome another little one into this world. I recall the first few times being pregnant years ago feeling like I should hide the news until we heard the heartbeat and have learned it has only hurt us more. Many feel as though we should keep the news secret but I honestly only think it’ll make these next few weeks harder on me trying to hide the fact that I am pregnant. We have embraced this pregnancy fully and know that if anything happens you all will find out either way and continue to be there offering so much reassurance to my family.

Okay, tell us when you’re going to have that baby?
We’re still not 100% certain of the due date but after my first OB appointment today the doctor believes I’m about six weeks along. If this is correct and everything goes as planned the baby would be born sometime in March 2011.

How did your doctor’s appointment go?
Everyone from the moment I entered the doctor’s office was amazing. I’m fairly certain everyone recognized my name or recognized me passing through the office. The nurses that had seen me before were quite excited to see I had OB papers in hand and everyone offered us the warmest wishes for a healthy pregnancy. The doctor offered reassurance and said thus far there is no reason to worry. Easier said than done, but overall the appointment went well. It’s still too early to detect a heartbeat without an ultrasound. Because there are no immediate concerns with this pregnancy thus far we will have to wait a few days before our first ultrasound next Monday afternoon. Hopefully by then we’ll have a more firm due date. I know seeing a heartbeat would help me rest a little easier.

Do the kids know?
Yes, we told the kids yesterday. Jaylen is still a bit too young to understand but Hope knew right away when Jason sat down and talked to her. She’s very excited but I obviously worry how much she may worry about me and the baby. She’s told me a few times since October that she never wants “that” (meaning the miscarriage) to happen to me ever again. I adore her sweet spirit and loving support. I just pray that my body is strong enough to protect this little one through the months ahead because I don’t want my family to relive last October ever again.

How are you feeling?
The last few weeks I’ve been feeling very fatigued and have had very little energy. Beyond working, taking Jaylen to his swim lessons, and a few times doing photography I have felt like I’ve been hibernating…yes, like a bear. I’ve had quite a few crampy growing pains these last few weeks that I can officially attribute to this pregnancy. They worry me so much but the doctor said they are perfectly normal, especially after being pregnant this many times. This past weekend I began feeling very nauseous and every day the nausea has progressively gotten worse where I find myself throughout the day feeling so sick. I’ve stocked up on saltines and toast has helped curb the nausea at times. Eating lots of small meals seems to make the days go a little smoother. I’ve had a few low grade fevers and chills since the weekend. The doctor said it’s very normal during the first trimester and it’s likely my body adjusting to the many changes going on right now.

For the last couple of months as I’ve continued to cope with the emotions caused by the miscarriage this past October and since have clung to the words of this poem. I realize that things are out of my hands now and we just need to believe. So I leave you all with the words of this poem that has echo’d in my head these last few months and looking back has now given me a renewed sense of hope but has also helped remind me that I will never forget the little ones I have lost over the years.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won’t soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

I thank you all now, knowing I can feel the love and support you all are sending our way.

LEARN MORE ABOUT WRENN
Thanks to those of you generous enough to help Wrenn’s family. It’s not to late to help Wrenn’s family…a link to the NTAF donation page is below.  If all goes as planned they may be relocating to St. Louis this week. Thanks also to all of you who have helped us spread the word. I know there are many many prayers being said for Wrenn and her family. Take a moment to help out how you can.

• If you missed the photos I took a couple days ago of Wrenn be sure to check them out: http://www.amandakern.com/blog/2010/05/a-few-moments-with-wrenn/
• Wrenn’s blog
  
• Wrenn’s NTAF donation page
• Wrenn’s facebook page

Her game was pretty early so it just added to the excitement for me to have a misty/dew look to the field as I watched my baby girl practice before the game.

Yes, I know…she’s a brave. Our family full of cubs fans will still love her knowing we had no choice in her team’s name. She made it very clear to me this morning that she didn’t like her uniform because it wasn’t cubs gear. I still think she looks super cute sporting a braves uniform!

While Hope and her team were warming up, Jason and Jaylen were hanging out in the bleachers. Jaylen had fun playing with his cars for a while. Thankfully Jason was there to hang out with my baby boy while I was busy taking photos of my baby girl.

Hope was super excited about her first game but I truly think Jason was so much more excited. He loves baseball so much so that he volunteered last fall to begin umpiring with the little league. He’s since become the head Umpire for our little league so if he’s not working he seems to be at the little league field. He was so proud of his little girl today.

Hope got to play second base in her first game. It was awesome to see how into playing the position she was. It’s amazing how much she’s matured since her days of playing t-ball. I remember back then most of the kids, including Hope, would play in the dirt. Hope was definitely a focused second baseman!

I took a ton of photos today of Hope’s entire team. I imagine by now Hope is use to her “momarazzi” following her around to capture some priceless moments but she’s getting to the age that I can sense she may not allow me to take as many pictures of her. I still ask her to cooperate at times, like in this photo.

Midway into Hope’s game Jaylen got restless. It was a good indicator for me to take a break with my little man instead of taking pictures. Most of the game he was very observant of the game. For now I’m sure he’ll continue to take it all in but something tells me he will be interested in playing “ball” before long.

Hope did awesome batting today. She looked like a pro. As I was taking pictures in the opposing team’s dugout the coaches and parents kept saying she had such awesome form for her age. She ended up getting 2 hits and scoring 2 runs!

I don’t think they ever kept score, so I’m not quite sure who won. Because of her age Hope is in the “rookie” league which is considered an instructional league so rather than getting overtly competitive she’s learning the skills she needs to know to play softball. More importantly she had fun which was exciting for us to see. Something tells me that years from now we’ll end up with many memories of our little ones at the little league field. Hope you all enjoyed seeing a few photos from Hope’s 1st game — it was definitely a memorable one!

We took a little afternoon trip to Bok Tower this weekend. It’s only our second time visiting, but it still remains one of our favorite places in central Florida to visit. It’s not just an amazing place to visit but it’s a dream location for doing photography so Jason and I headed out there with the kids. Because I’ve been to Bok Tower before and the tower was being renovated the day we visited, I didn’t take many photos of location. Of course I was happy to finally be on a little bit of a break and anxious to do something I haven’t done enough of lately: take lots of photos of the kids. Because of how busy Jason and I have both been with work and how much I’ve been trying to get caught up with my coursework at SCAD, it’s the first weekend since our trip to Jacksonville in January that we have really been able to have some fun as a family. I enjoyed watching the kids having so much fun alongside their daddy. I managed to sneak a quick distant shot of Jason and Hope goofing around.

Yes, my kids are just as guilty as all the other children I’ve photographed over the years of letting me know when they don’t really wish to take photos. I could tell early on that my camera wouldn’t be capturing as many picture perfect moments as I had hoped…it was just too much more fun to just play. Jaylen was quick to tell me to “stop” taking pictures.

I rarely completely stop taking pictures though. As we walked around Bok Tower I walked right into the most classic photo…Jaylen being a typical little boy. Yes, he may hate me years from now for this photo but to me it’s priceless.

I found the best photos of the kids today were with their backs turned towards me. As Jason and I were letting the kids play we looked over and this is what I saw…

Yes, could an unstaged moment be any more perfect? I didn’t bother them, but I got closer and took a couple more photos in a matter of seconds…thankfully I did because a moment after the next two photos were taken they got up and ran off to play more.

While I was out taking more photos the kids continued to play. I just adore seeing the bond these two have with one another. Hope’s one strong big sister giving her little brother a piggy back ride. Jaylen loves to play along – he doesn’t mind Hope carrying him these days. I’m not quite sure how much longer this will last because he’s growing fast so I imagine years from now this photo will be another memorable candid moment that I am glad I took.

Hope you all enjoyed seeing a few candid moments with the kids. Before my break ends I have a bunch more awesome photos to finish editing that I can’t wait for you all to see soon!

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” -Robert Brault

Things have been so crazy these last few months that I’ve put off taking the kids to the doctor until today. The kids have been doing well and I could tell they were growing, but I never really know just how much they’ve “grown” until  we schedule a visit with their doctor. I’ve come to put off the doctor the last few years with the kids once they’re past a year or two old, I suppose because every time we visits it seems they end up sick a day or two later. A few weeks ago I realized that it had been many months since when I should have taken them in for their check up so I scheduled an appointment and we finally went today.

The only time available that fit into my schedule was when Hope was in school still. Jaylen was excited to take a trip up to school to pick Hope up a little early. He brought along his puppy that he refers to as “bu-duh”. Not quite sure  where “bu-duh” translated to “puppy”, but we know that’s what he means and that’s all that matters.

Hope was not too enthused about the idea of going to the doctor. She is always reminded of her memories of getting shots and being sick so I don’t blame her. Thankfully we got there at a time when not many people were there so hopefully the kids didn’t end up picking up any germs. They played as we waited. Of course I’m the over obsessive mother who loves photographing so much, yes, I even bring a camera to the doctor’s office. I ended up taking pictures with my iPhone and nikon today and captured quite a few memorable moments worth sharing. I’m sure years from now the kids may hate me for it, but right now, it’s little moments like these that are so worthwhile to capture because they remind me how some of the littlest moments will some day be the big moments that I will remember best. Like the one where Jaylen farted in the waiting room and they both laughed hysterically. I just happened to have my iPhone out taking pictures of them when it happened. Yes, I know they have no manners to say “excuse me” yet – they laugh at one another instead. Laughter is far more important, right?!

Of course my favorite part of their doctor’s visit is getting to see just how much they’ve grown. I really wish I could keep them little forever, but I know they’re going to grow so I’ve come to try to embrace the moment I get to hear how much taller they’ve grown and how much more they weigh.

Hope who’s 8 now weighs a massive 42lbs and is 45 1/4″ tall. She’s grown several inches since her last visit! Of course I say “massive” because we all know my baby girl is actually very petite – she’s always been in the 1-3% for both weight and height and the doctor said she was right on track at 3% again this year. I was very proud of Hope because she was questioned a lot by the doctor did an awesome job letting the doctor know just how much she knew. She let the doctor know how broccoli and macaroni were her favorite foods. She rattled off our phone number, address, favorite school subject, and all the things she’s been doing in and outside of school. When the doctor asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up she said “a baby doctor” and let her know that she wanted to help take care of the babies to make sure they were safe. I can tell her little heart is still pretty heavy too since October. I think she really impressed the doctor.

Jaylen is still so young so he didnt really understand exactly what was going on, but something tells me he remembered his past visits to the doctor. Today was the first time he wasn’t weighed on the “baby scale”, however, the nurse still measured him there. He’s grown so much that I am confident next time he’ll by pass all the “baby” measuring – which is just another sign to me that he’s becoming such a big boy. So I took the last picture of him on the “baby scale” as the nurse took his vitals.

Go ahead, say “awe”. I did. Yes, I have taken a picture of him EVERY doctor’s visit on the “baby scale” since he was 8 weeks old. If you really want to see how much he’s grown take a look at him the entire first year and again at 21 months old. It’s okay, I’ve come to realize there’s no keeping this little stinker from growing. He’s now weighing in at 29lbs and is 35 3/4″ tall. That’s put him in the 50% for weight and 90% for height. Yeah, Hope didn’t pass 29lbs until she started kindergarten (when she was close to six!) if that tells you anything about their difference in size!

After weighing in we all waited to see the doctor. Jaylen played on my iPhone and well, I took out the nikon and got the little guy to laugh quite a bit.

Of course Hope sat beside me worrying. She hates shots. But who doesn’t? As I turned around she gave me this look and said, “I do NOT want a shot today!” I suppose she thought the serious way in which she told me would make a difference. And as you can see, she thinks its funny to “act tough” these days.

Jaylen saw me taking pictures and cried to take pictures too. People think I’m crazy to allow my kids use my camera. I can’t say I trust him yet, but with a little mentoring I bet he’ll be pretty good with a camera soon! As I held the camera he took pictures of his big sis.

And she was busy taking pictures of us with the iPhone.

After the doctor came in to visit with the kids she let us know they both needed one more vaccine and that it’d be the last one for a couple years. Hope was devastated. She cried as if the world was coming to an end because she had to have a shot. Jaylen is absolutely adorable these days because when anyone cries he’s right there worried and he quickly ran to Hope to help console her. He gave her hugs and tried to cheer her up. Seeing this bond these two have so young just makes me smile and hope that they continue to stay this close as they grow and grow. Yes, Jaylen just really wanted to help “Bah” (how he says Hope).

Jaylen tried to put on Hope’s shoes and hat in hopes that it’d make her happy. It really didn’t matter what Jaylen did to try to cheer Hope up, she was still devastated that she had to get another shot.

I give the little guy kudos for trying, thankfully he didn’t quite understand or he’d have likely been crying too. As you can see, he was all smiles trying to cheer Hope up.

Yes, the shots were a horrible experience for Hope. Jaylen went first. He didn’t cry at all. He flinched for half a second as if he was thinking “ouch this hurts” but then he got right up as if nothing happened. I had hoped this would help Hope, but it didn’t. She screamed louder than I think I’ve heard her scream ever and cried for quite a while afterwards. But thankfully she survived the shot!

I surprised the kids after their appointment by stopping by steak-n-shake to pick up 1/2 priced milkshakes for the kids. It made their day. They decided they’d enjoy them out front while they colored on the sidewalk together.

One of the most reassuring parts of today was hearing the doctor tell me I need not worry about Jaylen not talking much yet. I told her about his delays and shyness and she said it’s completely normal, especially for a boy. He’s beginning to say a lot more words and even combines 3-4 words together, but he’s a stubborn little guy who seems to enjoy not sharing all his thoughts with the world yet. Many times he surprises us saying things like “more ketchup”, “what’s that” or “get in bath” but the moment we ask him to say it again, he refuses. He loves to color and that’s one of the few things he will repeat. He loves to point out just about every color. Of course I understand just about everything he tries to communicate, so perhaps that’s only influencing him from saying more. There’s no doubt that he understands as much if not more than a typical toddler. The doctor said it’s very common, especially when there’s a big sister with this age difference for there to be a delay in talking. She said as long as he’s saying at least 10 words she isn’t worried at all. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if how emotional and clingy he is with me still is connected to all the emotions he sense from me after the miscarriage. She affirmed that it’s expected for a child to be more emotional when their parents are going through so much. So for now, I’ll just continue to give my little guy lots of loving…something I think we both need right now…but knowing he’ll always be my baby boy no matter how fast he grows!

I hope you all have enjoyed a few “little” moments with the kids. Yes, they’re growing too fast and today was definitely confirmation of that.

MY TYPE BOOK
One of the things I’ve been immersed for a good portion of the last two weeks is make up work for the two classes I did not complete last quarter due to the miscarriage. One project has been a typographic book that gave me an opportunity to creatively play with type using a large amount of text. Of course instantly I thought of how much I had written during and after the miscarriage on my blog and how emotionally connected I was to all I had written so I used that as my motivation for the project. I created a lot of type by hand and also using the wacom tablet but by the end I realized much of it would remain computer generated in order to complete as much as I could in time to get it printed. I ended up giving in at 54 pages, which left me at the end of 4 posts written during October (out of  21). I really truly hoped to finish the entire book, but after a while I realized it was a little unrealistic. So it’s a start, and I suppose finished enough to turn in for my assignment.

Creating this book for countless hours did leave me living through many emotional moments of reflection and thinking often about how much I’ve been through these last few months. It’s still a little overwhelming for me to accept. I suppose I’m the one crazy enough not only to write through all the crazy moments but then to rewrite them and create a book to help me fully appreciate the fact that no matter how challenging the moments have been that I have really truly been blessed. It’s been extremely tough for me, but yes, I’m trying desperately to turn a negative into a positive, somehow.

I finished the book yesterday and finally sent it off to be printed at Blurb where it’s now officially online for you to check out! Blurb only allows you to preview a few pages so I’ve posted a pdf of the inside pages online temporarily for those of you who’d like to take a closer look. (here’s the link to check out the pdf) And for those of you who don’t want to download the entire pdf, here’s a sneak peak of just a few of my favorite pages.

FORT CHRISTMAS
Out of all the places in central Florida, I’d say Fort Christmas ranks as one of my top 10 locations to do photoshoots. I’m absolutely shocked to learn how many people either don’t know about the park or who don’t realize how much potential there is to excite children about history and also make the most of a great photo opportunity. Over the last year I’ve learned how horrid their current web site is. It’s become one of the project’s I assign to my web design students every few semesters and now that I’m taking a web design course at SCAD I’ve decided to use it for my first project. So this past week I took the kids out to Fort Christmas park and we had fun exploring the forts and historic homes in the park. Obviously I had a blast taking photos so I thought I’d share a few.

Here’s the schoolhouse.

It’s every designer’s dream to find books this old. Most of the books dated back to the late 1800’s and early 1900’s.

In the school I enjoyed the repetition created by the chairs near the performance stage.

We visited the lunchroom/kitchen and my jaw dropped to the ground to see an antique dough/trench bowl. Many of you have heard my excitement over dough/trench bowls to use in my newborn photography and they just had one sitting around on display. Do you think they’d let me borrow it for a photoshoot?

I loved the wooden wheels outside of one of the forts.

The forts lights are now electric, but still awesome.

They have a lot of old homes on display in large open fields.

Yes, this is an ideal location for some pretty sweet photos of the kids…

The homes were definitely old and some seemed very fragile. Most of the homes you are allowed to walk out but a few were so fragile that you could feel the floor move slightly as you walked around the homes.

The park has a lot of open fields, with beautiful light breaking through the trees.

Yes, some of the simplest objects, like this barrel, sparked my interest.

Of course, I was equally interested to snap a few shots of the kids. Fort Christmas is a great place for portraits because the light that comes through many of the windows and doors is so dramatic and allows for a strong contrast portraits. So I had fun taking the kids photos. Here are two taken inside one of the forts.

Before we left I let the kids play at the playground. Jaylen had a blast going up and down the ladder and down the slide. He’s such a big boy now. It’s tough to get photos of him in his pure happiness, that is unless I have my zoom lens on. I ended up getting this awesome photo of him just before we left.

THE WEEK AHEAD
The week ahead is likely to be just as busy and chaotic as the last. I’m in the home stretch of completing my make up work and also juggling my three new classes that we’re now nearly at midterm! Classes at Valencia to continue to move at full speed as well. In addition to all the typical school obligations this next week is the week we’ve been waiting for since October. This coming Tuesday, February 2nd, exactly 3 months to the day that I learned I miscarried, I will finally undergo the HSG procedure that many of you may recall me writing about my “scary wait” last October in order to confirm or rule out whether or not I have to worry about any conditions with my uterus that could affect our decision of whether or not we’d ever try to have another child. I admit it leaves me very nervous, but at the same time, very anxious to finally end this long and what has seemed like a neverending wait. We’ll just have to continue to pray for good news for a change.

I hope you all enjoyed a few random updates…

Okay, I suppose I should stop laughing and share a few memorable photos from their trip to Orlando. On New Year’s eve we took a trip to Fort Christmas Park. It’s one of my favorite spots to take the kids in Orlando because they have forts that date back to the late 1800s and early 1900s. There’s also a play ground and large open fields. Best of all, it’s free! On our ride there my nephew got a little car sick. He only wanted to rest when he arrived at Fort Christmas.

My niece Justice and my son Jaylen quickly became best buddies.

We were missing my oldest niece who lives out of state, but I just know my parents have to love seeing their grandkids having fun together.

I had to take just a few photos of just Justice and Adrian. He still wasn’t feeling so well.

We convinced him to let me take a few photos of just him, despite how cruddy he was feeling. Yes, for all of you who follow me in facebook or twitter – I photoshopped the sickness right out of his shirt in all these photos.

The kids decided to give me their serious faces for photos with my sister.

We walked around the forts and explored the historic things on display. The kids seemed to enjoy the adventure.

One of the things I like best about Fort Christmas is that they have amazing natural light coming through many of the windows in the forts. This always leaves me with endless possibilities for more dramatic and exciting portraits like these two of my niece and nephew.

By the end of our visit at Fort Christmas Adrian was feeling a little better – I suppose a kiss from his Momma helps him smile a little more.

On New Year’s day we headed out to Rollins College. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite places in central Florida to take photos…and on New Year’s there was absolutely no one on campus so the trip out was that much more enjoyable. We went there with the goal to take some really nice photos of my sister and the kids.

My nephew, Adrian is now seven and I swear he’s quickly becoming a little heartbreaker.

My niece, Justice, is now 11 years old and has grown so much since she visited us just before I had Jaylen.

Of course seeing them in this photo together is just priceless.

Justice was happy to pose for a few more photos and one with her Momma.

I took my daughter, Hope, along with us as we took photos. It’s tough to take her anywhere without taking photos. Thankfully she wasn’t opposed to me taking more photos of her in the new year.

I took a few more photos of the kids together. At this point everyone was cold and restless. They decided to do their own thing for the photos.

I plead with them to take just one really nice photo…and promised to show it’d be for Grandma & Papa…it took a few tries but we finally got one.

On New Year’s eve I was showing my niece Justice how to use my camera and let her take a few pictures. So before we left I asked her to take a photo of me and my sister. After seeing that first photo…I suppose it reminds us just how much we both have grown in the last 30 years.

Okay, now that I feel old…and we’re missing my family – we hope you all enjoyed the photos. They’re definitely moments we’ll remember years from now.

It still does not feel like Christmas for us this year. Rarely are there years that pass by that our Christmas tree isn’t up the day after Thanksgiving, or that the outside of our home isn’t lit up with holiday decorations, or that I’m not out in October doing holiday shopping – that is until this year. This is the first year since the kids were born that we’ve had a tough time believing it’s Christmas time or celebrating the holidays. Now that all I hear on the radio is holiday music it’s tough not to realize it really is Christmas time and I suppose I find the Faith Hill song “Where are you Christmas?” continues to repeat in my head. I suppose after all that’s happened this year it’s a little tougher to accept that it’s time to celebrate the holidays, the time has definitely come far before we’re ready.

The holidays are normally my favorite time of year where it’s time to open our hearts and share our kind spirits with all those who have touched our lives. Since we had the kids I have to admit that the holidays have typically been that much more exciting, especially seeing how excited the children get. One thing we’ve done every year since Hope’s been able to write is write a letter to Santa. She’s at the age where she has listed just about everything she’s seen on a commercial but I’ve got to admire that though she has many toys listed she’s has such a huge heart and is quickly beginning to understand that Christmastime isn’t just about Santa bringing lots of toys. I thought you all would enjoy seeing Hope’s letter to Santa. Because her brother is too young to write his own letter she added him to her letter too. And rather than mailing it right away, I held onto it for a few days and she continued to add to the letter as the days passed.

Yes, the letter tears at my heartstrings. Out of all the things she has listed, she made sure to include “a baby sister”. When she was making the list she was watching Charlie Brown’s holiday special so she originally wanted to name a baby sister Lucy and then she changed her mind and eventually ended up with Cheyenne, the name of one of her friends from school. A few times we’ve been out and people have asked her what she wanted for Christmas and that’s always the first thing she tells everyone.

I suppose this time of year really isn’t about letters to Santa, receiving or giving gifts. As the holidays approach us it reminds me of the real reason for Christmas. I don’t claim to be the most religious person in the world, but this year more than any year before I find myself reminded that we’re celebrating the birth of Jesus…yes just like my own children, he was a miracle too. As tough as this year has been I keep reminding myself just how bless we are. But I have to admit that it’s tough not to think about how if I hadn’t have miscarried in October that this would have been the first Christmas I would have been pregnant. Or how by the time Christmas arrives that I would have been around 19 weeks along. Yes, it’s tough not to miss the little one I would have had this year. And it’s tough not to imagine how different life might have been if things had worked out like we had hoped.

Yes, I’m still wondering how Santa is going to bring my baby girl a baby sister and a bigger house with stairs. Heck, even a clean house would be nice this year. Dear Santa, are you listening?

Finally, it’s time that I present you all with the 2009 Kern family holiday cards. For our friends and family or those who’ve been following me you all will recall that since 2006 Hope and I have put a lot of work into making sure we made memorable holiday cards to send out to everyone. (check out our 2006 cards, 2007 cards, 2008 cards) This year after we designed our cards I had them professionally printed on Pearl paper with a UV coating. Most of our cards are already in the mail, but we thought we’d share a few photos because we know we’ve likely missed sending them out to a few of you. Hope and I were so excited to finally receive our cards a little over a week ago – here we were just after we received them:

Hope has helped me design our cards every year, however, this was the first year that she didn’t design the cover. She’s getting to the age where it’s a little tougher to get her full cooperation and the ideas she had just weren’t working for what I had in mind. As the days passed I finally came up with the concept to do a completely typographic front of our card – which was definitely a little too complex for Hope to create. I used words from the letter written to Virginia in “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus” as my inspiration and pulled several key words and phrases to fit into my card. This included one of the most powerful messages, “Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind”. The word “believe” really stood out in my mind these last few weeks as I came up with the ideas for the front of my cards and so the message “Angels Believe that Miracles will happen.” became the theme that I hoped everyone would see as they admired the typographic cover that was completely rendered by hand. And yes, it was only fitting that I put “hope” at the top of the tree – as far as I’m concerned it’s the most important thing for us all to have these days.

Here’s Hope admiring the inside of our trifold card.

Yes, I made sure to save myself the work of having photos printed separately – instead I had them designed right into the card. Here are a few of the photos if you didn’t get to see them yet.

Here’s our family photo taken by Hope. (see her holding the remote?)

Here’s the inside center of the card that was made by Hope, though each of us signed our names. Jaylen even scribbled a little something for our card this year! It’s becoming a tradition that Hope illustrates our family – this year she made sure to draw Jason wearing a cubs shirt, me with a camera, she was holding a picture and she thought it was funny to draw her baby brother crying. The inside continued with my theme for our cards with the saying “May the holidays remind you of life’s little blessings.” This year more than any year before I am reminded of how blessed I am…I have two little ones that I’m now absolutely convinced are miracles.

Here are my two little blessings.

Because it was a trifold card we had lots of room for photos and writing. Here’s Hope admiring another part of the card.

Yes, that’s one of my favorite pictures of Hope & Jaylen and on the Pearl paper the photo looked pretty sweet. Here’s that photo of them looking so stinkin’ cute.

Of course we made sure to personalize the back of our card too so that everyone knew all the hard work my baby girl put into this card. She drew a picture of herself as a superhero and wrote her name in curly decorative letters.

We hope you all enjoy this little peak at this year’s holiday cards. And really, if any of you have a connection with the big man please let him know that if he can’t make things happen this year, maybe by next year he’ll have a enough time to make miracles happen.

We hope you all have a memorable Holiday season…may you all be blessed with the the best life has to offer.

First, before I share the photos with you, I felt it pretty important to share with you a brief understanding of the project. The concentration of the project was Visual Rhetoric, meaning we would be expected to use imagery to help represent a specific chosen amount of text that was provided to us. We were given a few options to choose from. Because I had fallen behind from the chaotic moments of last month, I was able to see how frequently some text options were chosen so I tried to go with one that was less used but also the one that left a more emotional impact. Once we selected our text from the options we were given we were to conceptualize and create two images representing the text literally and abstractly. Here’s the provided text I used as the basis for this project:

“And when some months later she contemplated suicide, she decided to drown herself in the open sea so that the vileness of her dead body would be known only to fish, mute fish.

I spoke earlier of a Thomas Mann story: a young man suffering from a mortal illness gets on a train and descends in an unknown town. There is a wardrobe in his room, and every night a painfully beautiful naked woman steps out of it and tells him a long, sweetly sad tale, and that woman and that tale are death.

It is death sweetly bluish, like nonbeing. Because nonbeing is an infinite emptiness and empty space is blue and there is nothing more beautiful and more soothing than blue. Not at all by chance did Novalis, the poet of death, love blue and search for nothing else on his journeys. Death’s sweetness is blue in color.?”—Milan Kundera, The Book of Laugher and Forgetting

After all I’ve been through the last month or so it was easy to relate to the “emptiness” visually. I also found that with fish being a symbol of fertility that it only be fitting to come up with a concept that related to both this text, but also to me personally. Here are the two images together as a diptych.

The first image I elected to keep primarily black and white to set the mood. Yes, me standing at the train tracks – holding a stinky fish at sunrise. To most, they may not instantly see the fish, but I hope that as they do it makes them more curious to know the meaning behind the photo.

Here’s that stinky fish up close. After some color adjustments and other minor alterations to the photo I added in staples to the mouth of the fish to show how it was “mute”. Most may not get why a fish must be left to remain silent. I suppose this fish knows all about the “sad tale” noted in the text.

Yes, this all seems a bit strange, I’m sure…and its definitely far from the typical newborn photos I’m known for but hopefully you all enjoy the conceptual nature of the project.

Yes, I was up at sunrise last week taking these photos. The night before we went out, I mentioned it to Hope and she expressed an interest to come along with me. I was thrilled she had an interest. She got up at 530 in the morning with no problems at all and I have to admit I enjoy the photos of her from that morning just a tad bit more than stinky fish photos.

She insisted on walking on the train tracks.

And yes, I had to apologize to her teachers because though she got up with no problems at all – I could tell by the time I took her to school that she looked a little tired – but she had fun.

We just love Church Street. On the way to the train tracks she swore she saw her buddy Kaiden’s name etched in a brick. I told her we’d come back to check once I finished my fish photos. On the way back we did stop and search for a good five minutes and couldn’t find his name. She still swears she saw it – though something tells me she’s been missing her friends and she was definitely thinking of them that morning.

I told Hope we had to go so that we got her to school on time. She gave me a hard time because she still believed she saw Kaiden’s name.

The light an hour or so after sunrise is great. Every parent should take their kids out at sunrise to explore the world a little more. I must say that our sunrise venture out was a very memorable one and one that we’ll definitely have to do again. Next time without fish!

SOME ARTSY MOMENTS
Jason’s been on 12 hours shifts the last three days so the kids and I have been trying to keep ourselves occupied. And it’s been a whole week since I’ve done a photoshoot – don’t go into shock! Well, today I decided to do some artsy projects with the kids.

While I got things ready to paint I put large paper on the floor for the kids to color. Jaylen had a blast coloring with his big sis.

I’m working on a book cover design project for my typography course and I’m planning for a lot of the design to happen off the computer in a similar style to the children’s book illustrator Eric Carle. So today Hope and I did several paint fields as part of the process so that I can redesign the cover of Chicka Chicka Boom Boom for my class. I thought I’d share a few photos of our fun moments today.

I started out by telling her what I was doing for my project and how I needed to paint.

Of course I let her paint with me today.

We painted LOTS of yellow.

Hope made sure to tell me what the colors reminded her of. We used a few different yellows and one she called macaroni yellow and another she called banana yellow. That makes a lot more sense than cadmium yellow, right?! I’d prefer to refer to color names by what Hope calls them any day. So here I am asking her what color yellow I was painting with. She claims it’s banana yellow.

I’m also about to start using a linoleum block print for part of the design process for this same project. Hope has been working on her & Jaylen’s thank you cards for their birthdays and so I let her try cutting her first linoleum block today. She was very excited to try something new and she’s been carving away at it for quite sometime this evening.

I had to show her how to cut the block, because she did get frustrated at first. I also had to make sure she knew how to hold the block safely, though I made sure to get the safety blades for her to use.

I took turns with her to help get her started. She took the camera remote and had a blast taking photos. She got a little silly.

Then she got super silly.

She was hilarious. I asked her what she was doing and she said “taking lots of pictures like you do to me”. So she acted even sillier. I guess all these silly pictures are payback for me torturing her with the camera.

Okay, I know that’s only a sneak peak – I’m sure I’ll have more to share with you all soon. Lord knows I have a ton of catching up to do. Hope you all enjoyed seeing some creative moments with myself and the kiddos!

Today Hope turned eight. Yes, eight. Wow…I find myself still trying to figure out how time has passed us by so quickly.

I have to admit that it wasn’t until I had Hope that I felt so differently about birthdays. As an adult I can’t say they’ve ever been nearly as exciting as I remembered as a child, and now as a parent I sit and spend quite a bit of time reflecting and celebrating the amazing life I helped bring into this world. Birthdays aren’t about presents, parties, or cake & ice cream. Since having my children it’s always been about the two miracles I now have. And after all I’ve learned this past month or so I must admit I find myself even more blessed. So today, I was reminded of the day my baby girl was born…my “hope”.

Two weeks ago we had a party for the kids and so today I decided to do what I could, without having another party. To me it was far more important to spend time with the kids. Unfortunately Jason’s working a mandated schedule due to the Florida Classic bowl game so for the last couple of weeks I’ve tried to conjure up ways to make Hope feel special on her birthday.

This morning Hope woke up nearly an hour earlier than normal because she was that excited about her birthday. She was so proud that by the end of the day she claims 57 people told her happy birthday, yes, she kept count.

I was fortunate to get the opportunity to visit Hope for lunch at school and to spend a little time with her class. After lunch we went to recess with her class.

The last two years I’ve been lucky that Hope’s in such a great school with such great teachers who are so supportive. A few times a year I volunteer to go into the classroom and photograph the kids. I end up giving copies to the teachers to share with parents or to use for other school functions and so I can make a book, like Hope’s  kindergarten book, at  the end of each school year. For me, not only is it awesome to see Hope in school, but it’s just awesome to be surrounded by the energy of kids. Hope was found running around and having a blast during recess with her friends. Ah, how awesome recess is…

After recess the class went to the library and they all did “fast math”. It’s a way for the kids to get fast at simple math problems, without using their hands to add or subtract.

Hope was sure to point out when she beat her high score!

I have to admit I have so much respect for elementary school teachers. They have to keep nearly 20 young children under control as the students go from their class, to lunch, to recess, and other areas in the school on a daily basis. That’s a tough challenge with just one or two kids, let alone nearly 20! I couldn’t help but smile as I came up the stairs and the kids were waiting for her teachers. They all were sure to quiet down the moment she returned.

Before I left I returned to Hope’s class and she showed me her special birthday certificate her teacher gave her today. She was so proud and it’s was very evident how special it made her feel.

When Hope arrived home from school I took her and Jaylen out to the Build-A-Bear workshop. I’ve promised her for a few weeks now and so she was that excited about it that she’s been counting down every day. So for a few weeks she’s had her heart set on making her own Jonas Brother’s bear. While she picked out her bear and it’s accessories, Jaylen curiously watched her.

Then she had her bear specially made just for her. She ended up choosing the “Champ” bear where a portion of the proceeds are donated to the Build-A-Bear Hugs foundation to support grants to help support research towards children’s causes such as childhood diabetes, autism, and cancer.

She even picked out her bear’s heart. She had to warm it up first, because bear’s aren’t allowed to have cold hearts!

Then she dressed her bear, full of Jonas Brother’s accessories.

After her bear was dressed she filled out her bear’s birth certificate, yes using computers & keyboards that are reminiscent of a  “cold war era nuclear power plant”. (thanks for the reference Eddie!) Here she is with her bear that she named Stella Jonas.

Of course now that I have two kids, it’s always hard to do something for one without doing something for the other – even on their birthday. Seeing this photo made me feel so bad for my baby boy. However, he wasn’t pouting because he didnt’ get to make a bear – he was pouting because we made him get off the computer so we could go pay for Hope’s bear. He looked so small here…seeing this after the fact makes me feel as though he felt so left out…but I promise he wasn’t.

Though he was sure to let us know he really wanted to play on the computer at Build-A-Bear. So much so that he had a melt down. He threw himself onto the floor and just cried. Don’t you wish we could all do that when things didn’t go our way?

Instead of picking him up and giving him the attention he was expecting (which would in turn only make him do this more often) I stood there and told him to get up…and yes, I had my Nikon d700 out and took more pictures. Yes, I’m sure there were a few people in the store that had to have thought I was crazy. Though we weren’t going to make Jaylen a build-a-bear I did plan on letting him get a smaller one – it turns out a little puppy dog made him much happier. Yes, he quickly forgot about those cold war era computers!

Since Jaylen was 2 months old we’ve been doing photo booth every month on the anniversary of their birthday. I had done so well going every month, twice a month, for nearly two years. It wasn’t until I was pregnant again and then miscarried that I missed photobooth. We missed September and October and the first one in November, but today we made sure to stop at photobooth. It’s so awesome now that they both love photo booth. They both ran right in, sat down and took photos together.

Yes, they both truly enjoy photo booth every time we go now.

When I had Hope eight years ago I never realized how much my life would change in eight years. This little girl has definitely changed my life far more than she may realize right now.  I love seeing how much she’s grown these last eight years. But yes, there are still many days that I miss my itty bitty Hope that I remember from eight years ago.

Happy Birthday Hope!
(Yes, she reads my blog!)