This past week seemed like it’d never end. I know since hearing the news that I’m pregnant again that we have had quite a few of you just as anxious as us to hear a little reassurance. After miscarrying three time over the years I have to tell you the biggest fear I have in pregnancy is the first trimester. I’ve spent a lot of time this past week resting and keeping myself busy when I did have energy so that my mind wouldn’t begin thinking about the past or the risks.

Today I had my first ultrasound to help confirm the due date. Knowing that I’ve had a history of irregular dates they wanted to be certain they were close with the due date and of course we prayed the ultrasound would help us feel more confident that this little one was going to be okay. Jason and I agreed we’d take the kids to the ultrasound. We’ve always been very honest with them and honestly they help keep my nerves a little more calm when I’m as emotional as I’ve been lately. As I found myself extraordinarily nervous about to head into the doctor’s office Hope and I took a quick photo. I have reminded her the last two days how happy I was that she’d be there because I really feel like she’s my good luck charm. I began to think back to the past. Call me suspicious but she was there for Jaylen’s first ultrasound and he made it here safely. During the last pregnancy she was in school and I remember feeling so empty hearted not having her there beside me. Here’s me and my baby girl (aka my good luck charm).

We’ve definitely embraced this pregnancy and the support surrounding us has been amazing. It was so reassuring again today walking in realizing how many in our doctor’s office are pulling for everything to work out well for us this time. We were greeted with so many smiles today and it was so reassuring knowing how on edge they knew we felt after our last pregnancy.

I’m quite a proud Momma…here to make sure everyone knows that this little one is doing so well. I was brought to tears by my little one’s amazing heartbeat. 166 beats per minute to be precise. They told us it’s a great sign. As far as due dates they were nearly right on and only different by two days. The ultrasound estimated the baby to be 7 weeks 4 days and the original estimation leaves me at 7 weeks 6 days. When ultrasounds are within week of the estimated due date they keep the original due date given so that means tomorrow I’ll be 8 weeks along. And well, this little one should arrive around March 8, 2011. The doctor said give or take a week or two because of how unpredictable babies can be. Given my history we won’t be surprised if it’s a week or two sooner than that due date but we’ll just have to see what God has planned.

I know you all are probably curious to see the first photos of this little one. It’s still early so it’s tough to see much, but here’s a few photos our third little one thriving within my belly.

There’s no forgetting
I suppose some may think it’s been easy to just pick up and move on since the last miscarriage. I wish I could tell you all I’ve totally forgotten about it. Even after finding out that I’m pregnant again, it’s impossible for me to erase the memories or the hope I once had for the little one I lost. But the quote by Oscar Wilde helps me think a little more optimistically about it all, “What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” I think this time around God’s making sure I feel every single ounce of this pregnancy to help remind me how important this little one is. But no matter how much time passes I know God’s going to find his own ways to remind me of the little angels I’ve lost. Today on our way to the doctor it was only ironic that I hear the Kelly Clarkson song “Already Gone”, you may or may not remember me writing about the impact this song had on me after the miscarriage. It was the song I heard on the way to the hospital before first surgery and every time I hear it I swear it reminds me of that little one I lost in October. I’ve been so thankful that the radio has played it a little less often lately so to hear it for the first time in a while today brought back a rush of memories and emotions. As I sadly thought back to those moments today it seemed to symbolize a more hopeful meaning. And though I know my heart will never completely let go of the sweet thoughts for the little ones I’ve lost I now have so much hope for this little one that’s now on the way.

What are the risks now?
Honestly, the doctor said things are looking very good for us. All the prenatal lab work came back normal, including my progesterone levels. Since I was pregnant with Hope the doctor discovered my prosterone levels were low and needed to be supplemented in order to sustain the pregnancy. Every pregnancy after I was given progesterone for the first trimester. I was relieved to hear this time the test came back normal because I wasn’t so sure I could endure progesterone making me feel more sick than I already feel. I asked the doctor if they’d keep checking my levels or if there were any concerns given my past and he said that the levels are at an adequate level and show no reason to show concerns so I will escape this first trimester without having to take it! The doctor knows how incredibly nervous I am after miscarrying a few times now and he reminded me that typically risks of miscarrying are 20% of all pregnancies. He said once we hear a heartbeat that risk goes down to 3%. I’m not one to rely on numbers, especially after the fall and being told that 2 or 3 surgeries rarely happen and are virtually unheard of. But yes, seeing this little one’s heartbeat today brought me some much needed reassurance. Every time I’ve seen it before I’ve been blessed with a little one. The doctor reminded me that typically they look back at the history of previous viable pregnancies and given that we’re hoping this pregnancy goes smoothly. Lord knows I need a little break from all the risks and concerns and really deserve to just enjoy the moments of anticipation that come with expecting a child.

Is it a girl or boy?
I have to laugh at how many times we’ve been asked either that or if we wanted a girl or boy. It’s entirely too early to know and to be honest we won’t be finding out until the baby is born. I’m sorry if any of you are disappointed with the fact that we hope to be surprised this time around. We look at it this way. We have a girl. We have a boy. Honestly, we don’t really care what we have as long as our little one arrives into this world healthy. We didn’t find out Hope was a girl until the day she was born and it still is one of the most amazing surprises we’ve experienced. We sure loved knowing that Jaylen was a boy before he was born but to be honest, our family doesn’t need to be wrapped up in the materialistic hopes that come with knowing the sex of your child. We have this feeling it’ll bring a great sense of anticipation and help us appreciate this little one that much more.

How in the world will you do everything with three kids?
Yes, I’ve already had a few people asking me this question. I knew it was coming so I may as well answer it now. People ask me that now with just two kids and I really don’t know “how”, I just have faith that everything will work out as it was meant to be. I realize it may mean that this coming year I will pick my battles wisely. My family comes first. I have absolutely no intent to ever stop teaching. Obviously there’ll be a little break for maternity leave but I have every intent to continue teaching full time as I have been. This year I will begin my tenure track ILP which is a three year process. I still don’t know how I will do it all, but I have faith that I will conquer it just as I have so many other things in life. I’m thankful to have such amazing and supportive colleagues and students at Valencia who I know stand behind everything I do. I will somehow complete my Masters degree at Savannah College of Art & Design. I will likely take less classes than I have in the last three years but I know at this point my family and career take precedence. I know I also have amazing support at SCAD and something tells me taking a little pause in my degree won’t put me as far behind as I once feared. I will also continue pursuing my photography business. It will leave me far more limited with time but I suppose that means I will take on only photography commitments I have time for. Something tells me being a little more selective in my work may end up building me that much more of an amazing portfolio. I am sure once the little one arrives I’ll slow down photography commitments dramatically but I have this feeling in the months ahead you all will begin to see an awesome new collection of newborn photography leading up to the day that I am able to spend all this time and energy into photographing my own little one.

So that’s it. Our update that we know many of you have been waiting to hear more about. In about a month we’ll return for my next OB appointment which will include another ultrasound. Thank you all once again for all the amazingly kind words of encouragement and support you’ve sent our way. There’s no doubt this little one is loved. 32 weeks and 1 days to go until we get to meet our little newest blessing.

Yes, this news seems like a miracle after all we’ve been through. We feel very blessed to inform you all that our family is once again expecting our third little one. We found out this past weekend that many months after our last miscarriage that finally I am pregnant again. I admit I began to think the day would never come and at times began to think giving up would be better for me emotionally than trying month after month and feeling just as heartbroken as I did in October. But this past week I’ve been reassured that miracles just take a little longer sometimes. We continue to hope God’s protecting us and this little one that’s on the way.

Today we went to my first OB appointment and it’s still too early to share anything more than the news that I am pregnant. This morning at my appointment the nurse confirmed how many times I’ve been pregnant as she did she sighed saying “You’ve been pregnant…six….times, correct?” It took so much to hold the tears back realizing that I now face this hurdle again where looking at the numbers I fear the odds are against us but I’ve dug down deep to try to remain strong and think so optimistically this time. Since finding out the news this weekend we’ve sat here debating the last few days when exactly we’d share this news. Given the fact that I have miscarried 3 out of the 5 previous times I was pregnant I think it’s obvious why we usually elect to hesitate to share this news. Though we’ve been to the doctor we have  yet to hear a heartbeat and we’re obviously just as nervous as we are excited. We decided to share this news now because we know so many of you have been just as anxiously awaiting to hear this news. There hasn’t been a day that has passed since October that I haven’t thought about our loss or the hope our family has to someday welcome another little one into this world. I recall the first few times being pregnant years ago feeling like I should hide the news until we heard the heartbeat and have learned it has only hurt us more. Many feel as though we should keep the news secret but I honestly only think it’ll make these next few weeks harder on me trying to hide the fact that I am pregnant. We have embraced this pregnancy fully and know that if anything happens you all will find out either way and continue to be there offering so much reassurance to my family.

Okay, tell us when you’re going to have that baby?
We’re still not 100% certain of the due date but after my first OB appointment today the doctor believes I’m about six weeks along. If this is correct and everything goes as planned the baby would be born sometime in March 2011.

How did your doctor’s appointment go?
Everyone from the moment I entered the doctor’s office was amazing. I’m fairly certain everyone recognized my name or recognized me passing through the office. The nurses that had seen me before were quite excited to see I had OB papers in hand and everyone offered us the warmest wishes for a healthy pregnancy. The doctor offered reassurance and said thus far there is no reason to worry. Easier said than done, but overall the appointment went well. It’s still too early to detect a heartbeat without an ultrasound. Because there are no immediate concerns with this pregnancy thus far we will have to wait a few days before our first ultrasound next Monday afternoon. Hopefully by then we’ll have a more firm due date. I know seeing a heartbeat would help me rest a little easier.

Do the kids know?
Yes, we told the kids yesterday. Jaylen is still a bit too young to understand but Hope knew right away when Jason sat down and talked to her. She’s very excited but I obviously worry how much she may worry about me and the baby. She’s told me a few times since October that she never wants “that” (meaning the miscarriage) to happen to me ever again. I adore her sweet spirit and loving support. I just pray that my body is strong enough to protect this little one through the months ahead because I don’t want my family to relive last October ever again.

How are you feeling?
The last few weeks I’ve been feeling very fatigued and have had very little energy. Beyond working, taking Jaylen to his swim lessons, and a few times doing photography I have felt like I’ve been hibernating…yes, like a bear. I’ve had quite a few crampy growing pains these last few weeks that I can officially attribute to this pregnancy. They worry me so much but the doctor said they are perfectly normal, especially after being pregnant this many times. This past weekend I began feeling very nauseous and every day the nausea has progressively gotten worse where I find myself throughout the day feeling so sick. I’ve stocked up on saltines and toast has helped curb the nausea at times. Eating lots of small meals seems to make the days go a little smoother. I’ve had a few low grade fevers and chills since the weekend. The doctor said it’s very normal during the first trimester and it’s likely my body adjusting to the many changes going on right now.

For the last couple of months as I’ve continued to cope with the emotions caused by the miscarriage this past October and since have clung to the words of this poem. I realize that things are out of my hands now and we just need to believe. So I leave you all with the words of this poem that has echo’d in my head these last few months and looking back has now given me a renewed sense of hope but has also helped remind me that I will never forget the little ones I have lost over the years.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won’t soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

I thank you all now, knowing I can feel the love and support you all are sending our way.

Many of you were here last fall when I began to establish my business and brand myself. I suppose I’m not the typical photographer. I don’t just love photography…I love design too. And I realized very early on the importance of having my photography represented with a strong brand identity. Some of you may recall me sharing the creative process with you when I worked with Daissy Linares who designed my brand identity. Yes, I admit it was tough stepping down from designing my own brand but I knew that it was more important for me to focus on photography, teaching & my studies at SCAD. And given all that happened in the fall I couldn’t be more proud to have someone as talented as Daissy step up to the challenge of creating an identity to represent me. When I finally made the decision to commit to the logo and brand I now use I recall the big factor in that decision was how much more iconic and memorable the brand was to me. I look back now at the other options I had for logos and I can’t even imagine any of those ideas to have left such an impact with me as my current brand now has.

I know most of you have been anxiously awaiting to hear more about the printing process behind my business cards. Since the fall I had given serious consideration to having my business cards printed letterpress. After doing a lot of research I contacted Nick Sambrato of Mama’s Sauce. He owns the only letterpress shop in Orlando and helped reassure me that all the ideas I hoped to pull off with my business cards were doable and ideal for letterpress. Because I am just such a photography geek and thoroughly enjoy sharing the process behind creative projects Nick agreed to let me, his new paparazzi client, into his shop to document the process to share with you all.

I found myself photographing everything from the details of the press (a.k.a. Vogner…yes, the folks at Mama’s Sauce love their machines so much that they’ve named them!)

A big thanks to GianCarlo (Blue) Brand who joined me for a bit to help me document some of the printing process. Thanks to him you all are able to see my enjoyment of documenting and seeing the process first hand.

It was exciting to be there seeing the cards get printed. Letterpress printing is a very old form of printing and its very hard to find printers who are able to print letterpress. Yes, it’s a print form that is nearly obsolete in comparison to newer faster and cheaper printing methods like laser printing. But there’s something special about letterpress. You may not get it until you see it for yourself.

Meet Brooks, the letterpress operator who printed my cards. Yes, Brooks is not the stereotypical press operator. He helps bring a youthful and hip fun touch to such an old printing process. After spending time seeing the cards printed first hand I can see why Nick trusts Brooks to take charge of his letterpress. Brooks had amazing attention to detail and spend quite a bit of time checking, double checking and yes, even triple checking colors, registration and impressions. It definitely is a tedious process that only a patient and detail oriented person could take on. For Brooks the printing process is much like an art form and he puts great care into perfecting the jobs he prints. And yes, I suppose I have to share a photo of the guy who printed my cards…he says his Mom will enjoy seeing photos of him hard at work.

I think seeing the cards printed first hand helped me have a greater appreciation for my business cards. Yes, seeing every ounce of color loaded into the press helps me appreciate seeing the color that’s now on my 3 color business cards.

Or watching the speed of the press and all it’s small details…the details that help it pump out some amazing prints.

Throughout the printing process we continually checked color, registration and impressions.

It was rewarding seeing each new color printed and it’s certainly helped me gain a fonder respect for letterpress than I ever had before.

Though I know you all enjoy seeing photos of the printing process I’m sure you’re all interested in seeing the final printed cards. If you’d like to see additional photos of the printing process you’ll find more in my flickr acount.

On to my sweet new cards…

Yes, two versions…one version is standard size and one square size. What makes them extra special is that a different image is on the back of each one.

It was extremely tough to decide but I chose what I felt were the most iconic and memorable photos from my portfolio that would fit appropriately in the given space.

I had Mama’s Sauce print my letterhead and envelope as well but only offset printing for these.

The cards may seem nice from a distance but take a closer look and you’ll notice the detail and impression that makes the impact. These were printed on 220lb Lettraset cotton paper. The images were printed separately and composited/duplexed to ensure the cards were sturdy enough that the impression wouldn’t show through on the back. Yes, my cards are super thick.

I’ve had quite a few people question my reasoning for printing letterpress. I think just looking at these next few images will be convincing enough to show my reasoning. (Additional photos of my cards can be viewed in flickr)

A FEW QUESTIONS…
Yes, I have had a number of questions before and after having my cards printed so I thought I’d add them to this post to share them with the many out there that I know may be wondering some of these same questions.

Isn’t letterpress a lot more expensive?
Yes.

Isn’t laser or offset printing cheaper?
Yes.

Doesn’t letterpress printing take longer?
Yes.

Why didn’t you take the cheaper and faster route to have your cards printed?
I think it’s important that my brand represent the quality of work I do. Yes, I wanted it to be representative of the timeless images I’ve captured and the tireless energy I put into my photography. I wanted the cards to leave an impact with every person I give a card to…just like the impact I hope my photography leaves with people. I don’t want them to just say “thanks” when I give them a card. I want them to say “wow” or “I love your card”. To me the cards thus far have helped create the attention needed to brand my business and me as a person. They are memorable. They are the type of card that will be kept and remembered.

MY BIG THANKS…
Again, I have to give a big thanks to Daissy Linares for her creative efforts in designing my brand identity. I can’t think of a better designer to work with to design a brand for me…yes, complicated, picky me. Thanks to GianCarlo “Blue” Brand for joining in to help me document the printing process. And a huge thanks to Nick Sambrato and the rest of the gang at Mama’s Sauce. There’s no question…you guys rock.

I hope you all enjoy the cards…I’d love to hear your two cents!

This time last year so many of us were so concerned about this sweet little girl who was born six weeks early and weighed only four pounds (remember how little she was a year ago?). This time last year we were all unsure of a lot of things after learning she was diagnosed with down’s syndrome — but here we are a year later and she’s such a healthy happy baby girl. A little over a week ago I took this groovy picture of her to show off her happiness.

Today we all went to Raven’s first birthday party. Yes, I’m a little obsessive taking pictures and found myself taking hundreds of photos so Erik and Amanda would have to reflect on their celebration of Raven’s first year. Several of us commented on how much we adored these beautiful flowers…I suppose for me they were a little symbolic of the beautiful little girl we were celebrating.

It was great to see Erik and Raven having such a great time together. I have to admit that we’ve been so connected to Erik over the years – so much so that he seems almost like one of our own. Looking back it’s amazing to see how much they both have grown this past year. Despite the challenges that have come with raising his first child with down’s syndrome I think we’ve all come to realize what a little blessing Raven has been to our family. There’s no doubt how much happiness Raven has brought Erik and us all this year.

Though I came armed with my trusty nikon to photograph Raven’s party I have to say I was amazed by how many other cameras were out. Just about everyone seemed to have a point and shoot or cell phone out taking pictures most of the party. Yes, Raven is so loved.

Hope and Raven have become good buddies. Hope loves to hold Raven. Well, that is until Raven pulls her hair.

I can tell how much Raven looks up to Hope already.

I stole Raven for a moment to take a few photos 365 style…yes, the 365 that I’ve failed at miserably this year. I haven’t been in many photos this year compared to last year when I did 365. But I knew it was a day I didn’t want to forget with my niece. So I told Raven to hold on…and we took a photo and Hope joined in. I think she’s gotten use to being tortured by my nikon.

I don’t let many people take photos of me…except Hope who took this one of me and Raven.

Raven was adorable with her cake…it definitely caught her attention.

She didn’t hesitate digging right in to that cake…

Raven had quite a few gifts awaiting her…this one caught my eye.

Hope was cute and made sure to write the tag for our gift to Raven.

Raven sat with Erik & Amanda while the gifts were opened and then at the very end she made sure to clap for us all.

All that partying was enough to make Raven a tad bit sleepy. I went in to check on her while she was napping. Yes, I love to photograph sleeping babies.

Jaylen came in the room with me. I told him “shhhhhhhhh” and that Raven was sleeping. He crawled up quietly onto the bed to check on her. Yes, Jaylen loves Raven. Today was also the first time he said Raven’s name.

Yes, Raven woke right up and seemed to be quite content with her cousin’s company.

Of course for me I felt this was a perfect photo opportunity with the two together. I tried everything to get Jaylen to sit with Raven and this was the closest I could get him to Raven. He’s still a little reserved around babies so even having him sit this close made for one of the memorable shots of the day for me.

Yes, Raven Rose is now one. My how time flies. We love you baby girl!

I took many more photos at the party that you can see in Erik & Amanda’s flickr.

One day we all went out to Cypress grove park and took a few more photos with Josh, Chelsie & Brylie. It was fun trying to contain Brylie’s energy for a few family photos.

I’ve learned that Brylie is definitely a Daddy’s girl. I’m sure Josh’s parents would be so proud to see him now with his little girl.

Brylie had a blast counting to three and getting pulled in the air. These are such priceless moments to see how happy she was.

One evening we went downtown just before sunset to take photos around Church Street. This is one of the unplanned family photos. Brylie insisted on sitting on the train tracks so we went with the flow…just like her newborn session two years ago…she was definitely in charge.

That lasted all of a split second and we were up and off again exploring and taking more photos.

Who needs family photos when you’re as cute as Brylie? She definitely was the center of attention.

You’ve gotta love the cute pig tails!

I wasn’t convinced we had gotten the best family photo because Brylie was more interested in other things but Josh did a great job tricking her. After throwing her in the air we managed to sneak this shot.

As we let Brylie play I took a few photos of Josh & Chelsie near the train. Josh works for the railroad up in Indiana so Church Street was the perfect location for their family photos.

I have to say my favorite of their family photos was the unexpected one as we waited for a train to pass. Brylie was mesmerized and we quickly snapped this shot. Maybe next time around I should plan all my sessions outside a parking garage – yes, that’s where this one was taken. Hopefully it’s not that obvious.

And another priceless moment with Daddy’s girl just after the train passed.

Friday we decided to do photos one last time before Brylie headed home. We had been talking about how much she has grown and I thought it’d be neat to take a photo of her in that same basket that she was photographed in when she was just six days old. (Remember, her newborn photo of her smiling in that basket?) It didn’t take much to get her to smile, yes, unclothed in the basket.

She still loves that basket just as much now as she did back then. She may hate me when she’s a teenager but I think everyone will agree…these photos turned out too priceless.

We gave Brylie a lot of Hope’s hair accessories that she use to wear as a toddler because they don’t fit her anymore. So these photos will always be special knowing that a part of my baby girl has been passed on to Brylie.

I had fun admiring and photographing Brylie just as much this past week as I did just over two years ago.

As you can see, two years later she’s a spunky little girl full of energy.

…and innocence.

That same day we tried coaxing Jaylen into letting us photograph him too. I had a tie for him to wear (you’ll have to wait a little longer to see those ones…) – as he refused Brylie gladly stepped up to pose to try to help me convince him how cool it was to wear a tie. Yes, priceless.

Of course we wanted to take photos of her in one of her super cute outfits but she wasn’t so interested in the idea.

After bribing her with a ring pop we finally managed to get a few shots of  my sweet niece in her cute outfit.

Josh & Chelsie I hope you guys enjoy the photos. Editing all these photos quickly reminded me how much we miss Brylie (and you guys) already!

LEARN MORE ABOUT WRENN
Thanks to those of you generous enough to help Wrenn’s family. It’s not to late to help Wrenn’s family…a link to the NTAF donation page is below.  If all goes as planned they may be relocating to St. Louis this week. Thanks also to all of you who have helped us spread the word. I know there are many many prayers being said for Wrenn and her family. Take a moment to help out how you can.

• If you missed the photos I took a couple days ago of Wrenn be sure to check them out: http://www.amandakern.com/blog/2010/05/a-few-moments-with-wrenn/
• Wrenn’s blog
  
• Wrenn’s NTAF donation page
• Wrenn’s facebook page

For those of you who have been following me in twitter and facebook you likely heard me announce just a bit ago the official news about the tenure track position at Valencia. It’s official, as of August 24, 2010 I will begin a tenure track faculty position at the college.

I’ve been teaching since 2004 and teaching in a full time temporary position since 2005. Last month I interviewed for the position and have waited patiently for the last month to hear this news. It was my third time interviewing for a tenure track position over the last few years. I recall the disappointment I felt the last two times I was turned down for a tenure track position. As discouraging as it was for me I remember trying to remind myself how everything in life happens for a reason. And though I feel I was just as strong of a candidate the last two times I had applied for the position I must admit that as I reflect on how far I’ve come in just a few short years the decisions made have only helped shape me into who I am today. So much has happened in just the last year that years ago I would have never even imagined were possible.

So I thank you all for your support, encouragement, and reassurance. It means to world to see the confidence you all have in me. I am overjoyed with this news and the opportunities that are ahead.

I have to admit that this news couldn’t come at a better time. I’m not so sure if someone higher really planned this news to come today but it has lifted my spirits incredibly on one of the toughest moments I find myself passing since the miscarriage. Yes, in light of the news I find myself still pausing today, 33 weeks after miscarrying and realizing that today is also the day that the little one I lost in October would have been due to be born today. So I am thankful to have such wonderful news on a day where I find myself reflecting a little more lately on what might have been if I hadn’t have miscarried. I realize as I reflect it’s all an important part of me continuing to accept all that has happened this past year and part of how I will continue to get past the heartache that hasn’t completely faded. There aren’t days that pass that it hasn’t crossed my mind or that I haven’t wondered “what if?” And though it will likely not fade completely from my mind I will feel relieved for today to pass so that I can focus more on the promising future ahead.

Yes, today I’m reminded that “sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”. But as they do today my heart will remain reserved for the little one that in my mind I feel I should be holding today. I realize I can’t change a thing…but I can and will take that time today to remember and honor the little one that will always have a special place in my heart. Yes, I just pray all the little ones I’ve lost over the years know:

“A thousand words cannot bring you back. I know because I tried. And neither can a million tears. I know because I cried.”

As I find myself reflecting today, I reassure you all that I will do so now finding a renewed strength to smile while embracing my children, and yes,  praying that the news today is the start of a much needed streak of better news in my life. Thank you all again.

I took on an impromptu project in the last week or so after one of my friend’s children, Aaron, helped me out for one of my SCAD master’s projects. I needed an older child to photograph for my project and I was in a time crunch. Aaron was more than willing to help out and thanks to him he helped my project be that much more successful. It was the first time in a year or two since I had seen Aaron and it brought back many memories with his family. Those close to my family know his mother Tessa has helped us over the years watching Hope from when she was a baby until she was about four or five years old. After I took photos of Aaron for my project he reminded me that mother’s day was almost here and yes, I felt a little surprised to hear that. Is it really already Mother’s day? A split second after he mentioned it I told him I’d give anything to be able to surprise his mother by taking photos of not just him but also of his younger sisters. So we plotted out a time and on Mother’s Day Tessa will receiving some pretty amazing photos of her beautiful children.

Though I definitely want to wish all the mothers out there a Happy Mother’s day, there’s one mother who’s been so special to our family over the years who deserves a little extra attention this year. So many people have asked me over the years “how do you do all you do?” and still to this day I credit my family and friends who have been there time and time again. I have to give Tessa so much credit for how I’ve been able to do so much those first few years after Hope was born. She began babysitting Hope when she was only nine months old and was always there to ensure I was able to complete my education at Valencia and as I began working and teaching. There were times when I began working as a designer fulltime and teaching practically fulltime that my schedule was so demanding that Tessa often helped watch Hope from before 7 in the morning through 10 at night, often several times a week. Hope and Tessa built a great bond those first few years. I spent a little time this week reflecting on old photos and reminded of how much Tessa was there for us over the years. Hopefully Tessa doesn’t kill me for posting this picture of her – it’s one of the few I took of her and Hope together and is definitely my favorite. Hope was almost three years old here.

When Tessa first began helping us with Hope she only had her son, Aaron. Tessa’s family treated Hope just as if she was one of their children and boy did she feel loved. Just before Hope turned three Tessa had her daughter, Alyssa and a year and a half later she had her second daughter, Alyson. Hope was so close with Tessa that once she had the girls she began to feel like most children after their mother has a child. Hope realized she was no longer the baby.

I still recall visiting them shortly after the girls were born, long before I was a so called “photographer” I captured such memorable moments that I suppose looking back they now foreshadow my love for newborn photography. It was so sweet to see Hope as she got to feel almost like a sister to Tessa’s girls.

Once I stopped working as a designer and began teaching fulltime at Valencia and Jason’s schedule changed we didn’t need to rely on Tessa as often. She also began working and going back to school, all while raising three children. We saw one another occasionally but not as often as when we lived beside one another in an apartment complex. Before I knew it days, weeks, months, and yes, years passed before I saw Tessa again. I bumped into her last summer at Valencia and learned that her mother had just passed away suddenly of cancer. It all caught me off guard because she too was someone we came to know well while Tessa helped us with Hope. She use to love me taking photos but she never liked me taking her photo. Yes, I suppose this is a great reminder of why I remain so persistent to take photos of those closest to us. As I was reflecting this week I found a few photos I had taken of Tessa’s mother. I recall showing these to her after I took them when she had given me a hard time for taking her picture. I remember her telling me “oh, I like that one”. So I hope she’s not up in heaven screaming at me for sharing this wonderful reminder. I suppose I only took this time to reflect and now share these photos because this is the first mother’s day since Tessa’s mother has passed away and I know it will be on her mind. I can sense that Tessa’s mother is looking down on her proudly, smiling for being such a great mother and person. The two photos were taken at Alyssa’s blessing – a very memorable moment with their family.

Fast forward a few years and yes, we’ve seen little of one another. So when Aaron helped me with my project we plotted to get together for photos because I just knew this would be something that would help lift Tessa’s spirits this Mother’s day. Here are the photos I had taken of Aaron as this idea popped into my head. Some of these photos of Aaron were also used in my SCAD masters course work. I can’t believe how much he’s grown. I am in a bit of shock realizing he’s now in high school. He’s still just as responsible and well mannered as he was when he was Hope’s age.

Because Tessa works nights it made it pretty easy for us to take the girls out last week during Hope’s softball practice. As Hope practiced Aaron, the girls, and I took photos near the ball fields and at Downey park. I can’t believe how much the girls have grown. Alyssa is the energetic one with such an awesome smile.

The girls seem to be so close with one another and they were so cooperative as I took a couple hundred photos of them.

Aaron has been a great older brother. The girls definitely look up to him.

Yes, we had fun taking photos. I asked them to run around and have fun. Why force moments when they just happen, like these ones…

Alyson is a little more quiet and reserved. I adore her smile!

I took so many great photos of the kids that I should stop writing and just show you the photos, eh…

Though I took quite a few great shots of the kids, I really think the ones of Alyson are my favorites of all the ones I took. Alyson is also our God daughter, so realizing how much time has passed made me realize just how much we’ve missed of this little girl’s life as both Tessa and I have been incredibly busy the last few years. I really do adore her smile…

With as busy as I have been, though I don’t have many free moments I do often think of those friends close to our family, like Tessa, and it just reminds me of how important it is to try to make time. I sure hate seeing years pass and realizing how much the kids have grown. But I’m also reminded of the quote by Elisabeth Foley, “The most beautiful discovery friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” So Tessa hopefully after seeing the photos and reading this you know that regardless of the time that has passed our family certainly hasn’t forgotten you and all you’ve done for us over the years. I hope you and your family enjoy the photos of the kids. A big thanks again to Aaron – NONE of this would have been possible without him.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!

Her game was pretty early so it just added to the excitement for me to have a misty/dew look to the field as I watched my baby girl practice before the game.

Yes, I know…she’s a brave. Our family full of cubs fans will still love her knowing we had no choice in her team’s name. She made it very clear to me this morning that she didn’t like her uniform because it wasn’t cubs gear. I still think she looks super cute sporting a braves uniform!

While Hope and her team were warming up, Jason and Jaylen were hanging out in the bleachers. Jaylen had fun playing with his cars for a while. Thankfully Jason was there to hang out with my baby boy while I was busy taking photos of my baby girl.

Hope was super excited about her first game but I truly think Jason was so much more excited. He loves baseball so much so that he volunteered last fall to begin umpiring with the little league. He’s since become the head Umpire for our little league so if he’s not working he seems to be at the little league field. He was so proud of his little girl today.

Hope got to play second base in her first game. It was awesome to see how into playing the position she was. It’s amazing how much she’s matured since her days of playing t-ball. I remember back then most of the kids, including Hope, would play in the dirt. Hope was definitely a focused second baseman!

I took a ton of photos today of Hope’s entire team. I imagine by now Hope is use to her “momarazzi” following her around to capture some priceless moments but she’s getting to the age that I can sense she may not allow me to take as many pictures of her. I still ask her to cooperate at times, like in this photo.

Midway into Hope’s game Jaylen got restless. It was a good indicator for me to take a break with my little man instead of taking pictures. Most of the game he was very observant of the game. For now I’m sure he’ll continue to take it all in but something tells me he will be interested in playing “ball” before long.

Hope did awesome batting today. She looked like a pro. As I was taking pictures in the opposing team’s dugout the coaches and parents kept saying she had such awesome form for her age. She ended up getting 2 hits and scoring 2 runs!

I don’t think they ever kept score, so I’m not quite sure who won. Because of her age Hope is in the “rookie” league which is considered an instructional league so rather than getting overtly competitive she’s learning the skills she needs to know to play softball. More importantly she had fun which was exciting for us to see. Something tells me that years from now we’ll end up with many memories of our little ones at the little league field. Hope you all enjoyed seeing a few photos from Hope’s 1st game — it was definitely a memorable one!

We took a little afternoon trip to Bok Tower this weekend. It’s only our second time visiting, but it still remains one of our favorite places in central Florida to visit. It’s not just an amazing place to visit but it’s a dream location for doing photography so Jason and I headed out there with the kids. Because I’ve been to Bok Tower before and the tower was being renovated the day we visited, I didn’t take many photos of location. Of course I was happy to finally be on a little bit of a break and anxious to do something I haven’t done enough of lately: take lots of photos of the kids. Because of how busy Jason and I have both been with work and how much I’ve been trying to get caught up with my coursework at SCAD, it’s the first weekend since our trip to Jacksonville in January that we have really been able to have some fun as a family. I enjoyed watching the kids having so much fun alongside their daddy. I managed to sneak a quick distant shot of Jason and Hope goofing around.

Yes, my kids are just as guilty as all the other children I’ve photographed over the years of letting me know when they don’t really wish to take photos. I could tell early on that my camera wouldn’t be capturing as many picture perfect moments as I had hoped…it was just too much more fun to just play. Jaylen was quick to tell me to “stop” taking pictures.

I rarely completely stop taking pictures though. As we walked around Bok Tower I walked right into the most classic photo…Jaylen being a typical little boy. Yes, he may hate me years from now for this photo but to me it’s priceless.

I found the best photos of the kids today were with their backs turned towards me. As Jason and I were letting the kids play we looked over and this is what I saw…

Yes, could an unstaged moment be any more perfect? I didn’t bother them, but I got closer and took a couple more photos in a matter of seconds…thankfully I did because a moment after the next two photos were taken they got up and ran off to play more.

While I was out taking more photos the kids continued to play. I just adore seeing the bond these two have with one another. Hope’s one strong big sister giving her little brother a piggy back ride. Jaylen loves to play along – he doesn’t mind Hope carrying him these days. I’m not quite sure how much longer this will last because he’s growing fast so I imagine years from now this photo will be another memorable candid moment that I am glad I took.

Hope you all enjoyed seeing a few candid moments with the kids. Before my break ends I have a bunch more awesome photos to finish editing that I can’t wait for you all to see soon!