This past week seemed like it’d never end. I know since hearing the news that I’m pregnant again that we have had quite a few of you just as anxious as us to hear a little reassurance. After miscarrying three time over the years I have to tell you the biggest fear I have in pregnancy is the first trimester. I’ve spent a lot of time this past week resting and keeping myself busy when I did have energy so that my mind wouldn’t begin thinking about the past or the risks.

Today I had my first ultrasound to help confirm the due date. Knowing that I’ve had a history of irregular dates they wanted to be certain they were close with the due date and of course we prayed the ultrasound would help us feel more confident that this little one was going to be okay. Jason and I agreed we’d take the kids to the ultrasound. We’ve always been very honest with them and honestly they help keep my nerves a little more calm when I’m as emotional as I’ve been lately. As I found myself extraordinarily nervous about to head into the doctor’s office Hope and I took a quick photo. I have reminded her the last two days how happy I was that she’d be there because I really feel like she’s my good luck charm. I began to think back to the past. Call me suspicious but she was there for Jaylen’s first ultrasound and he made it here safely. During the last pregnancy she was in school and I remember feeling so empty hearted not having her there beside me. Here’s me and my baby girl (aka my good luck charm).

We’ve definitely embraced this pregnancy and the support surrounding us has been amazing. It was so reassuring again today walking in realizing how many in our doctor’s office are pulling for everything to work out well for us this time. We were greeted with so many smiles today and it was so reassuring knowing how on edge they knew we felt after our last pregnancy.

I’m quite a proud Momma…here to make sure everyone knows that this little one is doing so well. I was brought to tears by my little one’s amazing heartbeat. 166 beats per minute to be precise. They told us it’s a great sign. As far as due dates they were nearly right on and only different by two days. The ultrasound estimated the baby to be 7 weeks 4 days and the original estimation leaves me at 7 weeks 6 days. When ultrasounds are within week of the estimated due date they keep the original due date given so that means tomorrow I’ll be 8 weeks along. And well, this little one should arrive around March 8, 2011. The doctor said give or take a week or two because of how unpredictable babies can be. Given my history we won’t be surprised if it’s a week or two sooner than that due date but we’ll just have to see what God has planned.

I know you all are probably curious to see the first photos of this little one. It’s still early so it’s tough to see much, but here’s a few photos our third little one thriving within my belly.

There’s no forgetting
I suppose some may think it’s been easy to just pick up and move on since the last miscarriage. I wish I could tell you all I’ve totally forgotten about it. Even after finding out that I’m pregnant again, it’s impossible for me to erase the memories or the hope I once had for the little one I lost. But the quote by Oscar Wilde helps me think a little more optimistically about it all, “What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” I think this time around God’s making sure I feel every single ounce of this pregnancy to help remind me how important this little one is. But no matter how much time passes I know God’s going to find his own ways to remind me of the little angels I’ve lost. Today on our way to the doctor it was only ironic that I hear the Kelly Clarkson song “Already Gone”, you may or may not remember me writing about the impact this song had on me after the miscarriage. It was the song I heard on the way to the hospital before first surgery and every time I hear it I swear it reminds me of that little one I lost in October. I’ve been so thankful that the radio has played it a little less often lately so to hear it for the first time in a while today brought back a rush of memories and emotions. As I sadly thought back to those moments today it seemed to symbolize a more hopeful meaning. And though I know my heart will never completely let go of the sweet thoughts for the little ones I’ve lost I now have so much hope for this little one that’s now on the way.

What are the risks now?
Honestly, the doctor said things are looking very good for us. All the prenatal lab work came back normal, including my progesterone levels. Since I was pregnant with Hope the doctor discovered my prosterone levels were low and needed to be supplemented in order to sustain the pregnancy. Every pregnancy after I was given progesterone for the first trimester. I was relieved to hear this time the test came back normal because I wasn’t so sure I could endure progesterone making me feel more sick than I already feel. I asked the doctor if they’d keep checking my levels or if there were any concerns given my past and he said that the levels are at an adequate level and show no reason to show concerns so I will escape this first trimester without having to take it! The doctor knows how incredibly nervous I am after miscarrying a few times now and he reminded me that typically risks of miscarrying are 20% of all pregnancies. He said once we hear a heartbeat that risk goes down to 3%. I’m not one to rely on numbers, especially after the fall and being told that 2 or 3 surgeries rarely happen and are virtually unheard of. But yes, seeing this little one’s heartbeat today brought me some much needed reassurance. Every time I’ve seen it before I’ve been blessed with a little one. The doctor reminded me that typically they look back at the history of previous viable pregnancies and given that we’re hoping this pregnancy goes smoothly. Lord knows I need a little break from all the risks and concerns and really deserve to just enjoy the moments of anticipation that come with expecting a child.

Is it a girl or boy?
I have to laugh at how many times we’ve been asked either that or if we wanted a girl or boy. It’s entirely too early to know and to be honest we won’t be finding out until the baby is born. I’m sorry if any of you are disappointed with the fact that we hope to be surprised this time around. We look at it this way. We have a girl. We have a boy. Honestly, we don’t really care what we have as long as our little one arrives into this world healthy. We didn’t find out Hope was a girl until the day she was born and it still is one of the most amazing surprises we’ve experienced. We sure loved knowing that Jaylen was a boy before he was born but to be honest, our family doesn’t need to be wrapped up in the materialistic hopes that come with knowing the sex of your child. We have this feeling it’ll bring a great sense of anticipation and help us appreciate this little one that much more.

How in the world will you do everything with three kids?
Yes, I’ve already had a few people asking me this question. I knew it was coming so I may as well answer it now. People ask me that now with just two kids and I really don’t know “how”, I just have faith that everything will work out as it was meant to be. I realize it may mean that this coming year I will pick my battles wisely. My family comes first. I have absolutely no intent to ever stop teaching. Obviously there’ll be a little break for maternity leave but I have every intent to continue teaching full time as I have been. This year I will begin my tenure track ILP which is a three year process. I still don’t know how I will do it all, but I have faith that I will conquer it just as I have so many other things in life. I’m thankful to have such amazing and supportive colleagues and students at Valencia who I know stand behind everything I do. I will somehow complete my Masters degree at Savannah College of Art & Design. I will likely take less classes than I have in the last three years but I know at this point my family and career take precedence. I know I also have amazing support at SCAD and something tells me taking a little pause in my degree won’t put me as far behind as I once feared. I will also continue pursuing my photography business. It will leave me far more limited with time but I suppose that means I will take on only photography commitments I have time for. Something tells me being a little more selective in my work may end up building me that much more of an amazing portfolio. I am sure once the little one arrives I’ll slow down photography commitments dramatically but I have this feeling in the months ahead you all will begin to see an awesome new collection of newborn photography leading up to the day that I am able to spend all this time and energy into photographing my own little one.

So that’s it. Our update that we know many of you have been waiting to hear more about. In about a month we’ll return for my next OB appointment which will include another ultrasound. Thank you all once again for all the amazingly kind words of encouragement and support you’ve sent our way. There’s no doubt this little one is loved. 32 weeks and 1 days to go until we get to meet our little newest blessing.

Yes, this news seems like a miracle after all we’ve been through. We feel very blessed to inform you all that our family is once again expecting our third little one. We found out this past weekend that many months after our last miscarriage that finally I am pregnant again. I admit I began to think the day would never come and at times began to think giving up would be better for me emotionally than trying month after month and feeling just as heartbroken as I did in October. But this past week I’ve been reassured that miracles just take a little longer sometimes. We continue to hope God’s protecting us and this little one that’s on the way.

Today we went to my first OB appointment and it’s still too early to share anything more than the news that I am pregnant. This morning at my appointment the nurse confirmed how many times I’ve been pregnant as she did she sighed saying “You’ve been pregnant…six….times, correct?” It took so much to hold the tears back realizing that I now face this hurdle again where looking at the numbers I fear the odds are against us but I’ve dug down deep to try to remain strong and think so optimistically this time. Since finding out the news this weekend we’ve sat here debating the last few days when exactly we’d share this news. Given the fact that I have miscarried 3 out of the 5 previous times I was pregnant I think it’s obvious why we usually elect to hesitate to share this news. Though we’ve been to the doctor we have  yet to hear a heartbeat and we’re obviously just as nervous as we are excited. We decided to share this news now because we know so many of you have been just as anxiously awaiting to hear this news. There hasn’t been a day that has passed since October that I haven’t thought about our loss or the hope our family has to someday welcome another little one into this world. I recall the first few times being pregnant years ago feeling like I should hide the news until we heard the heartbeat and have learned it has only hurt us more. Many feel as though we should keep the news secret but I honestly only think it’ll make these next few weeks harder on me trying to hide the fact that I am pregnant. We have embraced this pregnancy fully and know that if anything happens you all will find out either way and continue to be there offering so much reassurance to my family.

Okay, tell us when you’re going to have that baby?
We’re still not 100% certain of the due date but after my first OB appointment today the doctor believes I’m about six weeks along. If this is correct and everything goes as planned the baby would be born sometime in March 2011.

How did your doctor’s appointment go?
Everyone from the moment I entered the doctor’s office was amazing. I’m fairly certain everyone recognized my name or recognized me passing through the office. The nurses that had seen me before were quite excited to see I had OB papers in hand and everyone offered us the warmest wishes for a healthy pregnancy. The doctor offered reassurance and said thus far there is no reason to worry. Easier said than done, but overall the appointment went well. It’s still too early to detect a heartbeat without an ultrasound. Because there are no immediate concerns with this pregnancy thus far we will have to wait a few days before our first ultrasound next Monday afternoon. Hopefully by then we’ll have a more firm due date. I know seeing a heartbeat would help me rest a little easier.

Do the kids know?
Yes, we told the kids yesterday. Jaylen is still a bit too young to understand but Hope knew right away when Jason sat down and talked to her. She’s very excited but I obviously worry how much she may worry about me and the baby. She’s told me a few times since October that she never wants “that” (meaning the miscarriage) to happen to me ever again. I adore her sweet spirit and loving support. I just pray that my body is strong enough to protect this little one through the months ahead because I don’t want my family to relive last October ever again.

How are you feeling?
The last few weeks I’ve been feeling very fatigued and have had very little energy. Beyond working, taking Jaylen to his swim lessons, and a few times doing photography I have felt like I’ve been hibernating…yes, like a bear. I’ve had quite a few crampy growing pains these last few weeks that I can officially attribute to this pregnancy. They worry me so much but the doctor said they are perfectly normal, especially after being pregnant this many times. This past weekend I began feeling very nauseous and every day the nausea has progressively gotten worse where I find myself throughout the day feeling so sick. I’ve stocked up on saltines and toast has helped curb the nausea at times. Eating lots of small meals seems to make the days go a little smoother. I’ve had a few low grade fevers and chills since the weekend. The doctor said it’s very normal during the first trimester and it’s likely my body adjusting to the many changes going on right now.

For the last couple of months as I’ve continued to cope with the emotions caused by the miscarriage this past October and since have clung to the words of this poem. I realize that things are out of my hands now and we just need to believe. So I leave you all with the words of this poem that has echo’d in my head these last few months and looking back has now given me a renewed sense of hope but has also helped remind me that I will never forget the little ones I have lost over the years.

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold
It doesn’t mean I’m gone
This world was worthy, not of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that won’t soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn’t mean I never was,
An Angel never dies.

Author Unknown

I thank you all now, knowing I can feel the love and support you all are sending our way.

Many of you were here last fall when I began to establish my business and brand myself. I suppose I’m not the typical photographer. I don’t just love photography…I love design too. And I realized very early on the importance of having my photography represented with a strong brand identity. Some of you may recall me sharing the creative process with you when I worked with Daissy Linares who designed my brand identity. Yes, I admit it was tough stepping down from designing my own brand but I knew that it was more important for me to focus on photography, teaching & my studies at SCAD. And given all that happened in the fall I couldn’t be more proud to have someone as talented as Daissy step up to the challenge of creating an identity to represent me. When I finally made the decision to commit to the logo and brand I now use I recall the big factor in that decision was how much more iconic and memorable the brand was to me. I look back now at the other options I had for logos and I can’t even imagine any of those ideas to have left such an impact with me as my current brand now has.

I know most of you have been anxiously awaiting to hear more about the printing process behind my business cards. Since the fall I had given serious consideration to having my business cards printed letterpress. After doing a lot of research I contacted Nick Sambrato of Mama’s Sauce. He owns the only letterpress shop in Orlando and helped reassure me that all the ideas I hoped to pull off with my business cards were doable and ideal for letterpress. Because I am just such a photography geek and thoroughly enjoy sharing the process behind creative projects Nick agreed to let me, his new paparazzi client, into his shop to document the process to share with you all.

I found myself photographing everything from the details of the press (a.k.a. Vogner…yes, the folks at Mama’s Sauce love their machines so much that they’ve named them!)

A big thanks to GianCarlo (Blue) Brand who joined me for a bit to help me document some of the printing process. Thanks to him you all are able to see my enjoyment of documenting and seeing the process first hand.

It was exciting to be there seeing the cards get printed. Letterpress printing is a very old form of printing and its very hard to find printers who are able to print letterpress. Yes, it’s a print form that is nearly obsolete in comparison to newer faster and cheaper printing methods like laser printing. But there’s something special about letterpress. You may not get it until you see it for yourself.

Meet Brooks, the letterpress operator who printed my cards. Yes, Brooks is not the stereotypical press operator. He helps bring a youthful and hip fun touch to such an old printing process. After spending time seeing the cards printed first hand I can see why Nick trusts Brooks to take charge of his letterpress. Brooks had amazing attention to detail and spend quite a bit of time checking, double checking and yes, even triple checking colors, registration and impressions. It definitely is a tedious process that only a patient and detail oriented person could take on. For Brooks the printing process is much like an art form and he puts great care into perfecting the jobs he prints. And yes, I suppose I have to share a photo of the guy who printed my cards…he says his Mom will enjoy seeing photos of him hard at work.

I think seeing the cards printed first hand helped me have a greater appreciation for my business cards. Yes, seeing every ounce of color loaded into the press helps me appreciate seeing the color that’s now on my 3 color business cards.

Or watching the speed of the press and all it’s small details…the details that help it pump out some amazing prints.

Throughout the printing process we continually checked color, registration and impressions.

It was rewarding seeing each new color printed and it’s certainly helped me gain a fonder respect for letterpress than I ever had before.

Though I know you all enjoy seeing photos of the printing process I’m sure you’re all interested in seeing the final printed cards. If you’d like to see additional photos of the printing process you’ll find more in my flickr acount.

On to my sweet new cards…

Yes, two versions…one version is standard size and one square size. What makes them extra special is that a different image is on the back of each one.

It was extremely tough to decide but I chose what I felt were the most iconic and memorable photos from my portfolio that would fit appropriately in the given space.

I had Mama’s Sauce print my letterhead and envelope as well but only offset printing for these.

The cards may seem nice from a distance but take a closer look and you’ll notice the detail and impression that makes the impact. These were printed on 220lb Lettraset cotton paper. The images were printed separately and composited/duplexed to ensure the cards were sturdy enough that the impression wouldn’t show through on the back. Yes, my cards are super thick.

I’ve had quite a few people question my reasoning for printing letterpress. I think just looking at these next few images will be convincing enough to show my reasoning. (Additional photos of my cards can be viewed in flickr)

A FEW QUESTIONS…
Yes, I have had a number of questions before and after having my cards printed so I thought I’d add them to this post to share them with the many out there that I know may be wondering some of these same questions.

Isn’t letterpress a lot more expensive?
Yes.

Isn’t laser or offset printing cheaper?
Yes.

Doesn’t letterpress printing take longer?
Yes.

Why didn’t you take the cheaper and faster route to have your cards printed?
I think it’s important that my brand represent the quality of work I do. Yes, I wanted it to be representative of the timeless images I’ve captured and the tireless energy I put into my photography. I wanted the cards to leave an impact with every person I give a card to…just like the impact I hope my photography leaves with people. I don’t want them to just say “thanks” when I give them a card. I want them to say “wow” or “I love your card”. To me the cards thus far have helped create the attention needed to brand my business and me as a person. They are memorable. They are the type of card that will be kept and remembered.

MY BIG THANKS…
Again, I have to give a big thanks to Daissy Linares for her creative efforts in designing my brand identity. I can’t think of a better designer to work with to design a brand for me…yes, complicated, picky me. Thanks to GianCarlo “Blue” Brand for joining in to help me document the printing process. And a huge thanks to Nick Sambrato and the rest of the gang at Mama’s Sauce. There’s no question…you guys rock.

I hope you all enjoy the cards…I’d love to hear your two cents!

LEARN MORE ABOUT WRENN
Thanks to those of you generous enough to help Wrenn’s family. It’s not to late to help Wrenn’s family…a link to the NTAF donation page is below.  If all goes as planned they may be relocating to St. Louis this week. Thanks also to all of you who have helped us spread the word. I know there are many many prayers being said for Wrenn and her family. Take a moment to help out how you can.

• If you missed the photos I took a couple days ago of Wrenn be sure to check them out: http://www.amandakern.com/blog/2010/05/a-few-moments-with-wrenn/
• Wrenn’s blog
  
• Wrenn’s NTAF donation page
• Wrenn’s facebook page

For those of you who have been following me in twitter and facebook you likely heard me announce just a bit ago the official news about the tenure track position at Valencia. It’s official, as of August 24, 2010 I will begin a tenure track faculty position at the college.

I’ve been teaching since 2004 and teaching in a full time temporary position since 2005. Last month I interviewed for the position and have waited patiently for the last month to hear this news. It was my third time interviewing for a tenure track position over the last few years. I recall the disappointment I felt the last two times I was turned down for a tenure track position. As discouraging as it was for me I remember trying to remind myself how everything in life happens for a reason. And though I feel I was just as strong of a candidate the last two times I had applied for the position I must admit that as I reflect on how far I’ve come in just a few short years the decisions made have only helped shape me into who I am today. So much has happened in just the last year that years ago I would have never even imagined were possible.

So I thank you all for your support, encouragement, and reassurance. It means to world to see the confidence you all have in me. I am overjoyed with this news and the opportunities that are ahead.

I have to admit that this news couldn’t come at a better time. I’m not so sure if someone higher really planned this news to come today but it has lifted my spirits incredibly on one of the toughest moments I find myself passing since the miscarriage. Yes, in light of the news I find myself still pausing today, 33 weeks after miscarrying and realizing that today is also the day that the little one I lost in October would have been due to be born today. So I am thankful to have such wonderful news on a day where I find myself reflecting a little more lately on what might have been if I hadn’t have miscarried. I realize as I reflect it’s all an important part of me continuing to accept all that has happened this past year and part of how I will continue to get past the heartache that hasn’t completely faded. There aren’t days that pass that it hasn’t crossed my mind or that I haven’t wondered “what if?” And though it will likely not fade completely from my mind I will feel relieved for today to pass so that I can focus more on the promising future ahead.

Yes, today I’m reminded that “sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”. But as they do today my heart will remain reserved for the little one that in my mind I feel I should be holding today. I realize I can’t change a thing…but I can and will take that time today to remember and honor the little one that will always have a special place in my heart. Yes, I just pray all the little ones I’ve lost over the years know:

“A thousand words cannot bring you back. I know because I tried. And neither can a million tears. I know because I cried.”

As I find myself reflecting today, I reassure you all that I will do so now finding a renewed strength to smile while embracing my children, and yes,  praying that the news today is the start of a much needed streak of better news in my life. Thank you all again.

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” -Robert Brault

Things have been so crazy these last few months that I’ve put off taking the kids to the doctor until today. The kids have been doing well and I could tell they were growing, but I never really know just how much they’ve “grown” until  we schedule a visit with their doctor. I’ve come to put off the doctor the last few years with the kids once they’re past a year or two old, I suppose because every time we visits it seems they end up sick a day or two later. A few weeks ago I realized that it had been many months since when I should have taken them in for their check up so I scheduled an appointment and we finally went today.

The only time available that fit into my schedule was when Hope was in school still. Jaylen was excited to take a trip up to school to pick Hope up a little early. He brought along his puppy that he refers to as “bu-duh”. Not quite sure  where “bu-duh” translated to “puppy”, but we know that’s what he means and that’s all that matters.

Hope was not too enthused about the idea of going to the doctor. She is always reminded of her memories of getting shots and being sick so I don’t blame her. Thankfully we got there at a time when not many people were there so hopefully the kids didn’t end up picking up any germs. They played as we waited. Of course I’m the over obsessive mother who loves photographing so much, yes, I even bring a camera to the doctor’s office. I ended up taking pictures with my iPhone and nikon today and captured quite a few memorable moments worth sharing. I’m sure years from now the kids may hate me for it, but right now, it’s little moments like these that are so worthwhile to capture because they remind me how some of the littlest moments will some day be the big moments that I will remember best. Like the one where Jaylen farted in the waiting room and they both laughed hysterically. I just happened to have my iPhone out taking pictures of them when it happened. Yes, I know they have no manners to say “excuse me” yet – they laugh at one another instead. Laughter is far more important, right?!

Of course my favorite part of their doctor’s visit is getting to see just how much they’ve grown. I really wish I could keep them little forever, but I know they’re going to grow so I’ve come to try to embrace the moment I get to hear how much taller they’ve grown and how much more they weigh.

Hope who’s 8 now weighs a massive 42lbs and is 45 1/4″ tall. She’s grown several inches since her last visit! Of course I say “massive” because we all know my baby girl is actually very petite – she’s always been in the 1-3% for both weight and height and the doctor said she was right on track at 3% again this year. I was very proud of Hope because she was questioned a lot by the doctor did an awesome job letting the doctor know just how much she knew. She let the doctor know how broccoli and macaroni were her favorite foods. She rattled off our phone number, address, favorite school subject, and all the things she’s been doing in and outside of school. When the doctor asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up she said “a baby doctor” and let her know that she wanted to help take care of the babies to make sure they were safe. I can tell her little heart is still pretty heavy too since October. I think she really impressed the doctor.

Jaylen is still so young so he didnt really understand exactly what was going on, but something tells me he remembered his past visits to the doctor. Today was the first time he wasn’t weighed on the “baby scale”, however, the nurse still measured him there. He’s grown so much that I am confident next time he’ll by pass all the “baby” measuring – which is just another sign to me that he’s becoming such a big boy. So I took the last picture of him on the “baby scale” as the nurse took his vitals.

Go ahead, say “awe”. I did. Yes, I have taken a picture of him EVERY doctor’s visit on the “baby scale” since he was 8 weeks old. If you really want to see how much he’s grown take a look at him the entire first year and again at 21 months old. It’s okay, I’ve come to realize there’s no keeping this little stinker from growing. He’s now weighing in at 29lbs and is 35 3/4″ tall. That’s put him in the 50% for weight and 90% for height. Yeah, Hope didn’t pass 29lbs until she started kindergarten (when she was close to six!) if that tells you anything about their difference in size!

After weighing in we all waited to see the doctor. Jaylen played on my iPhone and well, I took out the nikon and got the little guy to laugh quite a bit.

Of course Hope sat beside me worrying. She hates shots. But who doesn’t? As I turned around she gave me this look and said, “I do NOT want a shot today!” I suppose she thought the serious way in which she told me would make a difference. And as you can see, she thinks its funny to “act tough” these days.

Jaylen saw me taking pictures and cried to take pictures too. People think I’m crazy to allow my kids use my camera. I can’t say I trust him yet, but with a little mentoring I bet he’ll be pretty good with a camera soon! As I held the camera he took pictures of his big sis.

And she was busy taking pictures of us with the iPhone.

After the doctor came in to visit with the kids she let us know they both needed one more vaccine and that it’d be the last one for a couple years. Hope was devastated. She cried as if the world was coming to an end because she had to have a shot. Jaylen is absolutely adorable these days because when anyone cries he’s right there worried and he quickly ran to Hope to help console her. He gave her hugs and tried to cheer her up. Seeing this bond these two have so young just makes me smile and hope that they continue to stay this close as they grow and grow. Yes, Jaylen just really wanted to help “Bah” (how he says Hope).

Jaylen tried to put on Hope’s shoes and hat in hopes that it’d make her happy. It really didn’t matter what Jaylen did to try to cheer Hope up, she was still devastated that she had to get another shot.

I give the little guy kudos for trying, thankfully he didn’t quite understand or he’d have likely been crying too. As you can see, he was all smiles trying to cheer Hope up.

Yes, the shots were a horrible experience for Hope. Jaylen went first. He didn’t cry at all. He flinched for half a second as if he was thinking “ouch this hurts” but then he got right up as if nothing happened. I had hoped this would help Hope, but it didn’t. She screamed louder than I think I’ve heard her scream ever and cried for quite a while afterwards. But thankfully she survived the shot!

I surprised the kids after their appointment by stopping by steak-n-shake to pick up 1/2 priced milkshakes for the kids. It made their day. They decided they’d enjoy them out front while they colored on the sidewalk together.

One of the most reassuring parts of today was hearing the doctor tell me I need not worry about Jaylen not talking much yet. I told her about his delays and shyness and she said it’s completely normal, especially for a boy. He’s beginning to say a lot more words and even combines 3-4 words together, but he’s a stubborn little guy who seems to enjoy not sharing all his thoughts with the world yet. Many times he surprises us saying things like “more ketchup”, “what’s that” or “get in bath” but the moment we ask him to say it again, he refuses. He loves to color and that’s one of the few things he will repeat. He loves to point out just about every color. Of course I understand just about everything he tries to communicate, so perhaps that’s only influencing him from saying more. There’s no doubt that he understands as much if not more than a typical toddler. The doctor said it’s very common, especially when there’s a big sister with this age difference for there to be a delay in talking. She said as long as he’s saying at least 10 words she isn’t worried at all. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if how emotional and clingy he is with me still is connected to all the emotions he sense from me after the miscarriage. She affirmed that it’s expected for a child to be more emotional when their parents are going through so much. So for now, I’ll just continue to give my little guy lots of loving…something I think we both need right now…but knowing he’ll always be my baby boy no matter how fast he grows!

I hope you all have enjoyed a few “little” moments with the kids. Yes, they’re growing too fast and today was definitely confirmation of that.

Three months to the date that I learned I miscarried I’m incredibly relieved to share great news from the hysterosalpingography (HSG) procedure I underwent today. The procedure today confirmed that “I’m normal”. Okay, so perhaps some of you might believe that I’m not totally “normal”, but the procedure today ruled out all the suspicions of any conditions with my uterus that arose in October after the miscarriage and surgeries.

Though many of you may have kept up with the challenges and emotions that came in October after miscarrying – I haven’t really written about it much the last two months. I can’t deny the experience still affects me just as much today as it did three months ago. It’s tough to make it past a day without the thoughts of what could of been or how much I truly wished to move on. But until today, it’s felt more as though I’ve been stuck in the moments, emotions, and fears from that chaotic month that I still would prefer be erased from my memory. So this news could not come at a better time because it has helped bring me the reassurance that after all I’ve been through, I am okay.

After the procedure the doctor was able to explain to me everything he saw clearly through during this procedure. Though suspicions arose in October that I might have had a condition with my uterus, this procedure confirmed that all those suspicions were not accurate and that I am perfectly healthy and capable of conceiving again when we are ready. Of course this doesn’t rule out the risks of more recurrent miscarriages, but we no longer have to worry about how that condition they suspected could have affected me and our decision to conceive again. The doctor also forewarned us of a slightly higher risk of placental issues if we were to ever conceive again. Apparently women who have had multiple pregnancies and/or surgeries are at a slightly higher risk for such conditions – but not so high that they would discourage us from trying again. And as scary as this sounds too, I have to admit I continue to be relieved that the doctors have continued to be very upfront and honest, giving us a clear understanding of what we’re up against and the worst case scenario as it will influence us moving forward.

So yes, finally, three months later…tears. Tears of happiness that I can stop worrying about one big concern that has plagued me for months. It feels like finally we can begin to move on…and as we do I can’t help but remind myself how blessed I am. Blessed to have an amazing family. Two beautiful children. And such caring friends and family who have said so many prayers and sent such caring wishes our way. Again, I thank you all…finally, the prayers seem to be working.

MY TYPE BOOK
One of the things I’ve been immersed for a good portion of the last two weeks is make up work for the two classes I did not complete last quarter due to the miscarriage. One project has been a typographic book that gave me an opportunity to creatively play with type using a large amount of text. Of course instantly I thought of how much I had written during and after the miscarriage on my blog and how emotionally connected I was to all I had written so I used that as my motivation for the project. I created a lot of type by hand and also using the wacom tablet but by the end I realized much of it would remain computer generated in order to complete as much as I could in time to get it printed. I ended up giving in at 54 pages, which left me at the end of 4 posts written during October (out of  21). I really truly hoped to finish the entire book, but after a while I realized it was a little unrealistic. So it’s a start, and I suppose finished enough to turn in for my assignment.

Creating this book for countless hours did leave me living through many emotional moments of reflection and thinking often about how much I’ve been through these last few months. It’s still a little overwhelming for me to accept. I suppose I’m the one crazy enough not only to write through all the crazy moments but then to rewrite them and create a book to help me fully appreciate the fact that no matter how challenging the moments have been that I have really truly been blessed. It’s been extremely tough for me, but yes, I’m trying desperately to turn a negative into a positive, somehow.

I finished the book yesterday and finally sent it off to be printed at Blurb where it’s now officially online for you to check out! Blurb only allows you to preview a few pages so I’ve posted a pdf of the inside pages online temporarily for those of you who’d like to take a closer look. (here’s the link to check out the pdf) And for those of you who don’t want to download the entire pdf, here’s a sneak peak of just a few of my favorite pages.

FORT CHRISTMAS
Out of all the places in central Florida, I’d say Fort Christmas ranks as one of my top 10 locations to do photoshoots. I’m absolutely shocked to learn how many people either don’t know about the park or who don’t realize how much potential there is to excite children about history and also make the most of a great photo opportunity. Over the last year I’ve learned how horrid their current web site is. It’s become one of the project’s I assign to my web design students every few semesters and now that I’m taking a web design course at SCAD I’ve decided to use it for my first project. So this past week I took the kids out to Fort Christmas park and we had fun exploring the forts and historic homes in the park. Obviously I had a blast taking photos so I thought I’d share a few.

Here’s the schoolhouse.

It’s every designer’s dream to find books this old. Most of the books dated back to the late 1800’s and early 1900’s.

In the school I enjoyed the repetition created by the chairs near the performance stage.

We visited the lunchroom/kitchen and my jaw dropped to the ground to see an antique dough/trench bowl. Many of you have heard my excitement over dough/trench bowls to use in my newborn photography and they just had one sitting around on display. Do you think they’d let me borrow it for a photoshoot?

I loved the wooden wheels outside of one of the forts.

The forts lights are now electric, but still awesome.

They have a lot of old homes on display in large open fields.

Yes, this is an ideal location for some pretty sweet photos of the kids…

The homes were definitely old and some seemed very fragile. Most of the homes you are allowed to walk out but a few were so fragile that you could feel the floor move slightly as you walked around the homes.

The park has a lot of open fields, with beautiful light breaking through the trees.

Yes, some of the simplest objects, like this barrel, sparked my interest.

Of course, I was equally interested to snap a few shots of the kids. Fort Christmas is a great place for portraits because the light that comes through many of the windows and doors is so dramatic and allows for a strong contrast portraits. So I had fun taking the kids photos. Here are two taken inside one of the forts.

Before we left I let the kids play at the playground. Jaylen had a blast going up and down the ladder and down the slide. He’s such a big boy now. It’s tough to get photos of him in his pure happiness, that is unless I have my zoom lens on. I ended up getting this awesome photo of him just before we left.

THE WEEK AHEAD
The week ahead is likely to be just as busy and chaotic as the last. I’m in the home stretch of completing my make up work and also juggling my three new classes that we’re now nearly at midterm! Classes at Valencia to continue to move at full speed as well. In addition to all the typical school obligations this next week is the week we’ve been waiting for since October. This coming Tuesday, February 2nd, exactly 3 months to the day that I learned I miscarried, I will finally undergo the HSG procedure that many of you may recall me writing about my “scary wait” last October in order to confirm or rule out whether or not I have to worry about any conditions with my uterus that could affect our decision of whether or not we’d ever try to have another child. I admit it leaves me very nervous, but at the same time, very anxious to finally end this long and what has seemed like a neverending wait. We’ll just have to continue to pray for good news for a change.

I hope you all enjoyed a few random updates…

Okay, I suppose I should stop laughing and share a few memorable photos from their trip to Orlando. On New Year’s eve we took a trip to Fort Christmas Park. It’s one of my favorite spots to take the kids in Orlando because they have forts that date back to the late 1800s and early 1900s. There’s also a play ground and large open fields. Best of all, it’s free! On our ride there my nephew got a little car sick. He only wanted to rest when he arrived at Fort Christmas.

My niece Justice and my son Jaylen quickly became best buddies.

We were missing my oldest niece who lives out of state, but I just know my parents have to love seeing their grandkids having fun together.

I had to take just a few photos of just Justice and Adrian. He still wasn’t feeling so well.

We convinced him to let me take a few photos of just him, despite how cruddy he was feeling. Yes, for all of you who follow me in facebook or twitter – I photoshopped the sickness right out of his shirt in all these photos.

The kids decided to give me their serious faces for photos with my sister.

We walked around the forts and explored the historic things on display. The kids seemed to enjoy the adventure.

One of the things I like best about Fort Christmas is that they have amazing natural light coming through many of the windows in the forts. This always leaves me with endless possibilities for more dramatic and exciting portraits like these two of my niece and nephew.

By the end of our visit at Fort Christmas Adrian was feeling a little better – I suppose a kiss from his Momma helps him smile a little more.

On New Year’s day we headed out to Rollins College. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite places in central Florida to take photos…and on New Year’s there was absolutely no one on campus so the trip out was that much more enjoyable. We went there with the goal to take some really nice photos of my sister and the kids.

My nephew, Adrian is now seven and I swear he’s quickly becoming a little heartbreaker.

My niece, Justice, is now 11 years old and has grown so much since she visited us just before I had Jaylen.

Of course seeing them in this photo together is just priceless.

Justice was happy to pose for a few more photos and one with her Momma.

I took my daughter, Hope, along with us as we took photos. It’s tough to take her anywhere without taking photos. Thankfully she wasn’t opposed to me taking more photos of her in the new year.

I took a few more photos of the kids together. At this point everyone was cold and restless. They decided to do their own thing for the photos.

I plead with them to take just one really nice photo…and promised to show it’d be for Grandma & Papa…it took a few tries but we finally got one.

On New Year’s eve I was showing my niece Justice how to use my camera and let her take a few pictures. So before we left I asked her to take a photo of me and my sister. After seeing that first photo…I suppose it reminds us just how much we both have grown in the last 30 years.

Okay, now that I feel old…and we’re missing my family – we hope you all enjoyed the photos. They’re definitely moments we’ll remember years from now.

It still does not feel like Christmas for us this year. Rarely are there years that pass by that our Christmas tree isn’t up the day after Thanksgiving, or that the outside of our home isn’t lit up with holiday decorations, or that I’m not out in October doing holiday shopping – that is until this year. This is the first year since the kids were born that we’ve had a tough time believing it’s Christmas time or celebrating the holidays. Now that all I hear on the radio is holiday music it’s tough not to realize it really is Christmas time and I suppose I find the Faith Hill song “Where are you Christmas?” continues to repeat in my head. I suppose after all that’s happened this year it’s a little tougher to accept that it’s time to celebrate the holidays, the time has definitely come far before we’re ready.

The holidays are normally my favorite time of year where it’s time to open our hearts and share our kind spirits with all those who have touched our lives. Since we had the kids I have to admit that the holidays have typically been that much more exciting, especially seeing how excited the children get. One thing we’ve done every year since Hope’s been able to write is write a letter to Santa. She’s at the age where she has listed just about everything she’s seen on a commercial but I’ve got to admire that though she has many toys listed she’s has such a huge heart and is quickly beginning to understand that Christmastime isn’t just about Santa bringing lots of toys. I thought you all would enjoy seeing Hope’s letter to Santa. Because her brother is too young to write his own letter she added him to her letter too. And rather than mailing it right away, I held onto it for a few days and she continued to add to the letter as the days passed.

Yes, the letter tears at my heartstrings. Out of all the things she has listed, she made sure to include “a baby sister”. When she was making the list she was watching Charlie Brown’s holiday special so she originally wanted to name a baby sister Lucy and then she changed her mind and eventually ended up with Cheyenne, the name of one of her friends from school. A few times we’ve been out and people have asked her what she wanted for Christmas and that’s always the first thing she tells everyone.

I suppose this time of year really isn’t about letters to Santa, receiving or giving gifts. As the holidays approach us it reminds me of the real reason for Christmas. I don’t claim to be the most religious person in the world, but this year more than any year before I find myself reminded that we’re celebrating the birth of Jesus…yes just like my own children, he was a miracle too. As tough as this year has been I keep reminding myself just how bless we are. But I have to admit that it’s tough not to think about how if I hadn’t have miscarried in October that this would have been the first Christmas I would have been pregnant. Or how by the time Christmas arrives that I would have been around 19 weeks along. Yes, it’s tough not to miss the little one I would have had this year. And it’s tough not to imagine how different life might have been if things had worked out like we had hoped.

Yes, I’m still wondering how Santa is going to bring my baby girl a baby sister and a bigger house with stairs. Heck, even a clean house would be nice this year. Dear Santa, are you listening?

Finally, it’s time that I present you all with the 2009 Kern family holiday cards. For our friends and family or those who’ve been following me you all will recall that since 2006 Hope and I have put a lot of work into making sure we made memorable holiday cards to send out to everyone. (check out our 2006 cards, 2007 cards, 2008 cards) This year after we designed our cards I had them professionally printed on Pearl paper with a UV coating. Most of our cards are already in the mail, but we thought we’d share a few photos because we know we’ve likely missed sending them out to a few of you. Hope and I were so excited to finally receive our cards a little over a week ago – here we were just after we received them:

Hope has helped me design our cards every year, however, this was the first year that she didn’t design the cover. She’s getting to the age where it’s a little tougher to get her full cooperation and the ideas she had just weren’t working for what I had in mind. As the days passed I finally came up with the concept to do a completely typographic front of our card – which was definitely a little too complex for Hope to create. I used words from the letter written to Virginia in “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus” as my inspiration and pulled several key words and phrases to fit into my card. This included one of the most powerful messages, “Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind”. The word “believe” really stood out in my mind these last few weeks as I came up with the ideas for the front of my cards and so the message “Angels Believe that Miracles will happen.” became the theme that I hoped everyone would see as they admired the typographic cover that was completely rendered by hand. And yes, it was only fitting that I put “hope” at the top of the tree – as far as I’m concerned it’s the most important thing for us all to have these days.

Here’s Hope admiring the inside of our trifold card.

Yes, I made sure to save myself the work of having photos printed separately – instead I had them designed right into the card. Here are a few of the photos if you didn’t get to see them yet.

Here’s our family photo taken by Hope. (see her holding the remote?)

Here’s the inside center of the card that was made by Hope, though each of us signed our names. Jaylen even scribbled a little something for our card this year! It’s becoming a tradition that Hope illustrates our family – this year she made sure to draw Jason wearing a cubs shirt, me with a camera, she was holding a picture and she thought it was funny to draw her baby brother crying. The inside continued with my theme for our cards with the saying “May the holidays remind you of life’s little blessings.” This year more than any year before I am reminded of how blessed I am…I have two little ones that I’m now absolutely convinced are miracles.

Here are my two little blessings.

Because it was a trifold card we had lots of room for photos and writing. Here’s Hope admiring another part of the card.

Yes, that’s one of my favorite pictures of Hope & Jaylen and on the Pearl paper the photo looked pretty sweet. Here’s that photo of them looking so stinkin’ cute.

Of course we made sure to personalize the back of our card too so that everyone knew all the hard work my baby girl put into this card. She drew a picture of herself as a superhero and wrote her name in curly decorative letters.

We hope you all enjoy this little peak at this year’s holiday cards. And really, if any of you have a connection with the big man please let him know that if he can’t make things happen this year, maybe by next year he’ll have a enough time to make miracles happen.

We hope you all have a memorable Holiday season…may you all be blessed with the the best life has to offer.